DOG TRAINING 101

“I told her exactly what I felt – actually many times – but I guess she just didn’t care…”

“No,” she said.  “He never told me!”

Remember that old dog training saying, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, sit!”

“Communication,” my Dad the attorney, used to say, “isn’t what comes out of your mouth.  It’s what is received by the other guy!”

So, during that couples session as I translated what the man was saying – trying to say – his wife’s eyes popped open. 

“Oh, my gosh,” she said shaking her head. 

“I didn’t have a clue that was what you were saying!”

How often do you imagine your feelings have been hurt because of poor ‘translations’?

   Woof!

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

One very interesting concept about flaws and imperfections comes from the Navajo culture. 

The famous rugs of the Navajo always include a purposeful imperfection. 

It is believed that this helps maintain the humility of the weaver and also allows an outlet for energy. 

 (read more)

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...


Ever notice how your eye goes directly to the ‘flaw’? 

Let’s use some creative imagery to experiment with this strange phenomenon and see what happens:

Think back to a moment when you got fixated on one of your own imperfections.  For some of us it might have been this morning…

In case one doesn’t come to mind here’s a list to choose from:
           
            Wrinkles
            Pimples
            Imperfect facial feature    
            Body shape
            Weight …
            And of course hair…

Now focus on this area of your body.   

Imagine you could see it on a large tv screen. 

Visualize the imperfection and allow it to get bigger and bigger until it takes up the whole screen!

Now intensify the color – maybe it goes neon or strobe light intense.  Perhaps it flashes?

Whoa!   Now breathe deeply and make it even bigger until it takes over the entire room…

Check it out and get into the show.

And then as you continue to breathe deeply, shrink the image all the way down to a pin point…

How does it feel now?

And finally, continuing to breathe deeply, allow this pin point of energy to fly off into the cosmos - farther and farther away until it is no more…

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BAD HAIR DAYS

Talk about one day at a time…

How can something change so dramatically overnight? 

Yesterday my hair was perfect - and today?  Mamie Eisenhower bangs, skunk lines along my scalp and one side longer that the other!  How did that happen?

And what about those days when you wake up with a pimple on the tip of your nose?

Okay, I know, pretty superficial, right?  But let’s face it – who do you see in the mirror when you’re brushing your teeth in the morning? 

A hotty … or the Loch Ness Monster?

And don’t tell me that doesn’t affect your day!

Maybe it’s all a Zen meditation? 

A challenge to accept the ever evolving ups and downs of life?

What do ya think?  How do you handle those changes?

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SUNDAY SMILES

APARTMENT HUNTING NEW YORK STYLE

I saw 250 apartments in my search for the perfect home.  This is not an exaggeration.  I know because after seeing the same place for the third time, I began keeping notes!

Number 52 was quite an experience...

The broker called me in a frenzy of excitement.  “Quick” she yelled into the phone.  “Get downstairs and I’ll pick you up.  This great new place just came onto the market!  We’ll be the first to see it!  Hurry!”

Being first, I learned, was a point of honor among real estate brokers. 

We zoomed through the streets to this Upper East Side building.  Leaving her car double parked, we rushed breathlessly into the lobby.

We had to wait for the elevator – for quite awhile, actually.

“I’m sure it’s usually much faster,” she reassured me.  “Must be the owner moving out…”

And indeed it was... 

My agent had neglected to tell me that the ‘first alert’ she got was on the police band. 

As the elevator door opened paramedics wheeled a covered gurney out the door…

And no, I did not go to see that apartment!

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

Being stuck means not having a sound exit strategy.

In life we always need to be able to imagine our next step – even if it’s just across the street!  

Remember that play by Existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre called "No Exit"?  In it hell was defined as a room with no way out...(read more)

In reality since all nature is in a state of flux, our belief about being stuck is just that – a belief!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...

To recognize the silver lining in a situation does not mean to be a Pollyanna – we need to see things realistically, to look at a situation square on – especially one that seems negative.

The silver linings are almost always there, but when we try to ‘override’ the negative they can stay hidden.

So: 

First call it like it is!

“This sucks!”

“I hate it!”

“I can’t stand it!”

“I want to kill…”

You get the idea – If you want to rant and rave, go for it – just be respectful of your neighbors!

Second:  Ask yourself if there could possibly be a hidden message.  What can you learn from this position?

(Remember Mary from yesterday’s post?  Her message was:  time to quit!

You might have to probe a little but with perseverance and smarts you’ll find it.    

Malcolm Forbes said: “Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs.” 

Ask yourself if you’re still ‘becoming’, evolving in the situation.  Does it still have juice for you or have you already reached the diamond stage and it’s time to move on?

Third:  Go for it!  Life is short.  Pay attention to what it’s telling you!

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GIFTS COME IN STRANGE PACKAGES

Mary wanted to quit her job for a long time.  She just couldn’t pull the trigger.  Her boss was great, adored her and obviously really needed her.  She was so tired and worn out, but how could she just walk away?

This was a big job and getting bigger all the time… lets face it, she was stuck!

And then came what she termed, “The worst day of my life!”

Okay, she was somewhat prone to exaggeration… but still, it was really bad:

A one day turn around flight overseas, a disgusting meeting with extremely rude people YELLING at her – actually accusing her of misconduct!

And then the final straw – her adoring boss telling her - after the fact – that this was exactly what he had expected!

Whew!

So guess what happened?

You got it!  She quit!

And therein lies the gift…

Have any good silver lining stories to share?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

Is it possible that we are genetically programmed for this one too? 

There is no way to ignore whining.  Whining is one of the most annoying sounds known to us – like fingernails on a chalkboard, it’s a sound that instantly gets our attention. 

That grating tone of voice jangles our nerves, stops us in our tracks, and makes us react.

Some theories suggest that there could be a survival of the species role for this un-ignorable sound.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...



The following suggestions are borrowed from a web-site dealing with whining kids – but hey…  (read more)

FIVE SURE FIRE STEPS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH WHINERS:

1)      Realize that the person is not using whining to deliberately drive you crazy!  They just want to be heard, so it’s a good thing, right?

2)     Call out the whining!  Demonstrate to the whiner how they sound – but of course don’t be mocking!  (Ha)

3)     Practice your Buddha breathing – stay calm… (teeth gritting is not recommended!)

4)     Do not give in!

5)     When all else fails … stick out your tongue and stick your fingers in your ears! 

Hey, age appropriate, right?


What do ya say?  Any other strategies?

TOMORROW:  SILVER LININGS

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-           

 

TAKING THE FALL

I went to a meeting last night and commented that the poor turn-out probably had to do with short notice.  No brainer, right?

Wrong!  OMG you would have thought I accused these people of matricide!  Especially this one woman whose whining about not being appreciated was truly embarrassing! 

“You’re not even grateful for all the hours we put into setting this up!” she bleated woefully.  (She was right about that – talk about wasted time!)

Everyone in the room turned to look at the evil fiend (me) who had caused this poor little lamb such obvious suffering.

Don’t you just hate getting penalized for something you didn’t do? 

Echoes of years past:

“Mommy,” child one whines woefully, “She hit me!”

Not true, but you know what happens. 

Mommy, who missed the action, turns around at yells, “Stop hitting your little brother!”

                    

ARGH!

And how, pray tell, do you set that record straight?

TOMORROW:  GENETICS...AGAIN?

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SUNDAY SMILES

The kindness of strangers – Part II

I heard a loud commotion across the street.  An elderly man, using one of those white canes, was getting into a heated argument with the young woman who works in the bakery.

He was yelling at her and waving his cane.  She was starting to get that frozen chipmunk look on her face (maybe I mean deer, you know, in the headlights?)

Carol to the rescue!  I tied my Super Girl cape on and trotted across the street.  After all, I’m supposed to be good at things like this, right?

He was ranting (sorry, but he was…) about his fingernails and how he needed them cut.

“Look,” he shouted.  “See how bad they are,” he demanded, waving those nails a little too close for comfort.

“Sir,” I suggested, I thought kindly…  “How about we go inside and I buy you a cup of coffee?” 

“No!”  he shouted, becoming more and more agitated.  “Why are people always trying to buy me coffee?  Do you think I can drink coffee all day?  What’s wrong with you!?”

Okay, at this point I thought that last question was pretty astute…

“Listen,” I tried again.  “How about if I give you some money and maybe you can find someplace to get your nails cut?”  Yes, I admit I was giving up and passing the problem on to someone else…

I took out a $20 bill and handed it to him – or tried to…  The bill somehow got fumbled and fell to the sidewalk…

He looked at me in disgust.

“What’s wrong with you!?  He shouted again loud enough for everyone on the street to turn around and stare.  He grabbed the $20 and stomped off down the street shaking his head, muttering about how stupid some people were…      

 

What do ya think? 

Have any good Superhero tales to share?               

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

Like many other traits we have, it is hypothesized that envy is probably an adaptive evolutionary trait! 

The belief is that at a time when resources were scarce it helped keep our species competitive.

This theory goes on to explain that our discomfort with acknowledging envy also fits because of the ‘one down’ position that envy seems to imply.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...


Struggling with envy?  Here’s a sure fire way to diminish the discomfort:

1)      Cop to it!  (Yeah I know - dating myself again, but some expressions say it all…)

Acknowledging our emotions is always a first step in getting control over their impact on our lives.

2)      Give yourself a “So What!  After all, face it, if it’s in our DNA…

So you envy that guy’s millions – if you really think about it, you don’t want to be him, you just want his money!

3)      As always, remind yourself of who you are and what you do have. 

       It’s okay to envy someone else’s stuff but never to diminish yourself!

Two last thoughts about envy:

-         

 Envy is comparing someone’s else’s outside to your insides.

And a story of the Plotkin Diamond:

Two ladies are sitting next to each other at some ritzy event.   

Lady 1 admires Lady 2’s gigantic diamond ring.

“It’s gorgeous,” she says enviously.

“Yes,” agrees Lady 2.  “It’s called the Plotkin Diamond.  But it comes with a curse.”

“Oh,” says Lady 1.  “What’s the curse?”

“Plotkin” sighs Lady 2, looking down the table at her husband.

What do ya say?  Have any good envy stories to share?

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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY?

Oh puhleeze! 

The last time it was really happy was probably in kindergarten or first grade when we all made Valentines and everyone got the exact same cards – the same number and type. 

And then… OMG competition!  Who got more, who got them from the cutest, most popular boy/girl in the class?

Whose Mom brought in the best cupcakes…

Then maybe with our first love it got good again – if our best friend’s first love didn’t go all out and do better than ours… who got the best, biggest heart? 

Who was most disappointed and what really did it say about you and your choices? 

And remember when the wrong person gave you the right gift!  

YIKES!

What’s your favorite Valentine’s Day memory?  Did you ever get it right?

Tomorrow:  Envy?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

One very interesting theory explains this connection between abuser and abused as an evolutionary trait aimed at survival of the species.  According to this belief, since early in our human history when one tribe attacked another, female hostages were taken into the conquering tribe. In order to survive they had to accept and take on the values of the aggressor.   

We are most used to understanding this way of interacting as Stockholm Syndrome, the behavior of kidnap victims who become sympathetic to their captors.  This is considered to be a desperate and usually unconscious act of self preservation.

This behavior is also called ‘capture-bonding’ or ‘traumatic-bonding’ - defined as the strong emotional ties that develop between two people where one intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses or intimidates the other.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...

Of course there are many degrees of abusive relationships – for the most part, not as extreme as our gorilla story.  But, let’s face it, almost all of us have been in at least one of these relationships at some time, with a boss, a parent, a teacher, a romantic partner.

Think about it: 

          Have you been in a relationship that could fit into this category?

If your answer is yes:

What would have happened if you had faced the nature of the relationship head on?

How many times did you find yourself saying: “He/she didn’t really mean it…”

“They just had a bad day…”

“It’s just the way they talk…”

“They’re just trying to help me improve…”

“They had a bad childhood…”

Now ask yourself what would have happened if you stopped making excuses?  What belief of your own kept you hooked in?

Unfortunately, this is a really pervasive human dance!

What do you need to do to give yourself permission to say NO!

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GORILLA TALES

(With apologies to my anthropological friends…and close evolutionary relations…)

There’s this lady on Safari in deepest Africa who gets kidnapped by a wild gorilla.  The gorilla takes her off to his nest in the trees.  He brutalizes her and keeps her prisoner.  She suffers terribly. 

Finally she’s rescued and returns to her home weak and bedraggled.  A month later, when she’s recovered enough to receive visitors her best friend comes to see her.

“My God it must have been terrible,” she sympathizes.  “You look like hell.  How are you doing?”

“What can I tell you,” our heroine replies.

“He doesn’t write, he doesn’t call…”

What do ya say?  Been there?  Done that?

Care to share your best gorilla stories?  Let’s hear from you!

Disclaimer:  In today’s story the villain happens to be a male gorilla, but hey, as we all know, bad behavior is unisex!

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