Friday, August 28, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE GIFT OF UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Realistic expectations are crucial in human emotional dealing and healing.

When something happens that 'gets under our skin' it's usually for a good reason! 

Sometimes it's because it is totally unexpected and we feel blindsided.  In these cases we hold onto it as if that will allow us to be prepared the next time something hits out of the blue.

Sometimes an incident is difficult to walk away from because it taps into old unfinished family drama.  Once we realize what old story it is tapping into we can use it to help us take a step in healing the old wound.

And sometimes something happens that challenges our view of how things should be in the world!  These experiences are particularly difficult because in order to resolve them we have to revise our own beliefs!

The most important - and beneficial - aspect of unfinished business is to see it as a potential opportunity for personal growth!




 DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…


WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

Do you find yourself re-running the 'film' of something that happened in the past?

Are you repeating the same scenes again and again?
Do you say the same lines in your head as you imagine the incident?
If so you might think of yourself as 'STUCK'!

To un-stuck:

Play with the story!
Run the 'film' of the event backwards!  Yes, you can!  
At this point in time it really is your story and you can manipulate it any way you want…
Imagine what you might do differently if the last scene played first.
Change your lines!  This story now belongs to you and you can be as outrageous as you want!
Change the scenery, the costumes.

The idea of this manipulation is to empower yourself and realize that once the actual event is over all that remains is the story you are telling yourself - and you have a lot of control of your self-talk!





To comment click below


Thursday, August 27, 2015

HOLDING ON…

"I keep thinking I've worked through this one," she said with a puzzled look on her face.

"And then, WHOMP!"  

"Out of the blue I'm right back there again, chewing over that same annoying story, repeating the details in my mind and out loud to anyone I can get to listen."

She could have been talking about an ended relationship or a negative interaction with just about anyone…

"Why can't I just let go and move on?" she demanded. "What am I doing wrong!"

What do ya say?
Does this one ring any bells?


To comment click below

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - COMMUNICATE MUCH?

So, what do we expect when we ask 'how are you'?
The truth?
A lie?

Something to make us feel better?

The answer is often "fine" because it's easy and a way to deflect attention…

Then there are the times in our lives when someone asks us and we feel rebellious -and angry - and reply darkly:

"Since you asked…"
Or
"Do you really want to know…"




DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Before asking someone who has gone through a tough time how they are, think about what you really want to communicate and your level of relationship with that person!

Which ones would you check?

RELATIONSHIP
o   intimate
o   best friend
o   family
o   friend
o   casual acquaintance
o   neighbor
LEVEL OF CARING
o   Hi
o   Medium
o   Low
WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO COMMUNICATE
o   I care
o   I'm available as a sounding board
o   I'm trying to figure out something about myself
o   I'm into my snoop role





To comment click below



Tuesday, August 25, 2015

WHAT DO YA SAY TO THIS?

"So, help me here," he was shaking his head as he asked.

"What am I supposed to say when people ask me how I am after some earth shaking event or illness?"

"I mean, if it's my best buddy that's one thing, but all these other people?  I know they mean well, but really…"


"What do they expect me to say?  I don't have a clue how to field this one!"


What do ya say?
How do you handle this one?

To comment click below


Friday, August 21, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT DOES 'FAIR' MEAN?

Where does this idea of 'fair' begin?

Maybe with sibling rivalry?  You know, your brother gets more or better or less whatever, than you do?

Perhaps in school when children begin to be taught to compare themselves with others?   Is someone else the teacher's pet?  More popular?  Smarter?

Maybe it's all those movies and TV shows that depict those idealized families, perfect romances and surgically enhanced people? 

In the process of comparing ourselves to others and buying into the imagined inequity, we tend to see a distorted picture that creates envy and resentment - 'Not fair-itis'!



  
DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Did you ever hear the famous Plotsky diamond joke? 

A woman is wearing an amazing diamond ring.  The lady sitting next to her, drooling with envy, comments on the ring.
Diamond ring lady:  Thank you.  It's the famous Plotsky diamond, but it comes with a curse…
Other lady:  What's the curse?
Diamond ring lady, looking across the room at her husband, responds:  Plotsky!

And the take away from this one:  Envy and 'it's not fair-itis' tends to focus on only one side of the story!

To release yourself from the curse of this belief:

1)  See the whole picture!  Would you really want Plotsky?
2)  Exaggerate!  Take your lament to the extreme… You know you've reached the release point when you start to laugh.




To comment click below



Thursday, August 20, 2015

IS THIS YOUR MANTRA?

One of the most dangerous mantras that we humans adopt is the 'IT'S NOT FAIR' chant.

With this one we pull out all manner of evidence to shore up our belief that life has handed us a nasty slice…



'It's not fair' we moan about anything and everything, imagining that someone else has it better and easier…

Our lists include:  money, health, relationships, grades, office politics…

You know the inventory right?

And, let's face it, as ridiculous as it sounds when we really think about it, it is a tempting melody…

What do ya say?
Can you tell us you've never pulled this one?

To comment click below




Wednesday, August 19, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - AWFULIZING

Fact:  If we put a border of negative feeling around a state of being we, by definition, increase our suffering.

If we can, instead, accept that life brings many different moments of experience and try to find those special 'coloring books' in any given moment, we can actually help ourselves heal!

Because most of us have learned to awful-ize our challenging moments and had a lot of practice doing this, changing our default position takes some practice.




DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CHANGING YOUR DEFAULT FROM AWFULIZING TO NOURISHING

What can you create, find, explore, discover, that can make the moment count?

Something that nourishes your soul…
Something you've never had time for…

This is a prime time to engage your creative imagination!
It can be as simple as something beautiful to stare at and get lost in…
Or as complex as planning for the rest of your life…

No matter what happens - and no matter how counter-intuitive it seems - you want to feel enriched!




to comment click below 



Tuesday, August 18, 2015

BEING IN THE MOMENT - A CHILDREN'S STORY

Once upon a time there was a little girl and like most little children she sometimes got sick - attacked by all those childhood bugs that lurk around…

Her mom and dad were determined to do sickness the right way.

What's that, you ask.

They didn't want to reward her so that sickness became a tempting default, but on the other hand they didn't want to vilify an inevitable part of life…

They said, "We're sorry you're sick", and then they proceeded to find ways to make that state of being tolerable for a young human.

There were the special coloring books and crayons, the wonderful stories and lots of hugs and kisses…


Their goal was to teach the little girl that there are many different states of being - not good or bad - just being.


What do ya say?

Can you see how this fable translates?




Friday, August 14, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE FINE ART OF SOCIAL CONVENTIONS

Most of us have, at one time of another, rebelled against most of the 'trite' social conventions that are part of our society. 

We label them as ridiculous, silly and totally unnecessary… especially the ones that are responses to life's ups and downs.

However, there is a really practical reason they exist.  When the 'you know what' hits that fan we are often clueless about how to respond!  And often because we don't know what to say or do we chose to do nothing. 

And walk around after the fact feeling guilty!

Those formulaic responses are simple, elegant, and time tested.  They let the other person know that you do care without demanding that the recipient 'perform'!
  



DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

K.I.S.S. or Keep it Simple, Sweetie!

There are three simple messages that go a long way to comforting those suffering:

*I'm here
*I care
*If I can do something to help let me know

A simple way of putting it together is: 
"I heard about __________.  I am so sorry.  I am thinking about you and if there is anything I can do to help please let me know"

But you ask, don't I have to make it more personal?  Shouldn't I ask questions about what happened?  Shouldn't I share some of my own experiences?

NO  NO AND NO!

If the person you are talking to wants to talk more, or tell you more or even hear about your experiences - LET THEM OPEN THAT DOOR, NOT YOU!

Otherwise, as well intentioned as you want to be, the recipient of your outreach often feels invaded and exhausted by what is surely meant to be kindness!



To comment click below



Thursday, August 13, 2015

K.I.S.S.

"So," he said, "I was lying in bed recovering from surgery and thinking about how people react when someone they know is going through hard times…"

"It's like they all think they have to reinvent the wheel," he continued.  "You know what I mean, right?"

"They think need to say something original, brilliant, helpful… or they need to ask 1000 questions!"

"Yeesh!" he rolled his eyes.



"I know they mean well, but does it ever occur to them how invasive and exhausting they can be?"

What do ya say?
Can you 'keep it simple'?



To comment click below
  


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE LEGACY OF 'DENNIS THE MENACE'

Remember Dennis the Menace?  We loved him, right?  Guess why?

Dennis was energetic, trouble prone, mischievous, and enjoyed tormenting their next door neighbor… check it out

And how about that wonderful 'I love Lucy'?  We adored her wacky antics and the predictable messes she created! 

Both of these characters represent aspects of our personalities that we tend to leave behind in childhood.  

We are instructed that our wacky, mischievous and somewhat trouble prone aspects are bad and not at all acceptable…

In reality by acknowledging these parts of ourselves and getting comfortable with them we can harness this energy and use it in a way to enhance our lives.




DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

ACCESSING YOUR INNER IMP

When's the last time you did something truly mischievous?

Can you remember the details?  How did you feel?  Did you enjoy the experience?

Now as an experiment, each day find one moment where you can get into your 'Dennis the Menace' character. 

If it feels safe, you can actually act it out in real time.  If not, use your imagination and try it on!

What do you experience? 

This part of us allows us to release tension, whether we do it in reality or imagination!



To comment click below



Tuesday, August 11, 2015

THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT

Ever had one of those 'devil made you do it' moments?

Bet you had at least a few when you were a kid? 

You know what I'm talking about, right … when nothing stops the other guys stuff coming at you, till you finally let the devil out!

Here's one:

I was in a small elevator with a neighbor who was talking as if we were on opposite ends of a baseball stadium.  Real loud!

And she kept getting closer and closer into my personal space and louder and louder.

I mean, how far could I back up in a tiny elevator?

Finally I gave up and let the devil do its thing…

"You know," I said, "I have pneumonia."
"Pneumonia!" she screeched.  "Are you contagious?"


"Probably…" the devil answered.

I've never seen anyone back away that quickly or jump off and elevator so fast!


What do ya say?

Can you relate to this one?




To comment click below



Friday, August 7, 2015

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DEFINE YOUR 'TERRITORY'!

Many animal species define their 'home range' with what are called 'sign posts' - messages that other animals can read in order to avoid creating conflict and aggression.  read more

In order to take care of ourselves and create a sense of security in our lives, we humans need to be aware that personal boundaries are very important to us.  The more conscious we become of our need to create and reinforce our boundaries the safer and more respected we feel. 

Obviously, humans don't create these markers by spraying like some other animal species.  Our markers are more verbal.  They are also indicated by body language and facial expression.

As much as it seems a paradox, the more tuned in to creating healthy personal space we are, the more comfortable we become with intimacy and sharing!



 DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Part of our sense of physical security is created by the 'boundaries' we set up between ourselves and others.  Even in very intimate relationships we need healthy boundaries.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you think about boundaries:
1)  Auditory 
          How much noise or silence do you need to feel comfortable? 
          In your own home?
          At a meal?
          In the gym or other public place?

2)  Visual
          How much visual 'load' creates a sense of comfort for you?

3)  Physical proximity
          In some cultures people stand right next to each other.        
In others we step back.  How close or far from others - friends?  strangers? - creates the most comfort for you?

What can you do to ensure the degree of boundaries you need?



To comment click below