Secondary gains are the hidden reasons we do something that on the surface doesn't seem to make sense - the not-conscious advantages that might take place 'secondary' to a stated or real problem.
Often our beliefs about ourselves - even the dark ones - come with secondary gains.
This means that when we feel stuck, instead of berating ourselves, we need to explore what hidden benefits might be lurking.
Instead of feeling defeated and depressed, ask yourself what advantage holding on to a belief or behavior might actually provide.
Does it allow you to avoid something that you would otherwise feel obligated to do? Does it reinforce a conviction you have about yourself that might be difficult to give up?
DANCE WITH IT! EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…
To ferret out a secondary gain think about a situation that has made you unhappy but seems unchangeable.
Now ask yourself:
What 'plus' might I be getting from staying in this 'negative' situation?
Does it allow me to avoid something that is difficult?
Does it allow me to avoid something that I perceive as dangerous?
Does it allow me to avoid something that could be life changing and therefore frightening?
If you answer 'yes' to any of these you might want to give yourself other options...