Friday, July 29, 2016


Secondary gains are the hidden reasons we do something that on the surface doesn't seem to make sense - the not-conscious advantages that might take place 'secondary' to a stated or real problem.

Often our beliefs about ourselves - even the dark ones - come with secondary gains.

This means that when we feel stuck, instead of berating ourselves, we need to explore what hidden benefits might be lurking.

Instead of feeling defeated and depressed, ask yourself what advantage holding on to a belief or behavior might actually provide. 

Does it allow you to avoid something that you would otherwise feel obligated to do?  Does it reinforce a conviction you have about yourself that might be difficult to give up?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

To ferret out a secondary gain think about a situation that has made you unhappy but seems unchangeable. 
Now ask yourself:

What 'plus' might I be getting from staying in this 'negative' situation?
Does it allow me to avoid something that is difficult?
Does it allow me to avoid something that I perceive as dangerous?
Does it allow me to avoid something that could be life changing and therefore frightening?

If you answer 'yes' to any of these you might want to give yourself other options...

Thursday, July 28, 2016



Check out your secondary gains!

"What are these," you might ask, "and more importantly what do they do for me?"

That is exactly the question to ask yourself:

What possible benefit could I be getting from hanging onto this situation?

No recriminations!

This is not about sabotage.  No, this one, as misguided as it might actually be, is one of those human attempts to take care of ourselves.

What do ya say?
Got any secondary gains lurking?

Wednesday, July 27, 2016


Manipulation is one of those 'It takes two to tango' human dances.

The manipulator says:  "Poor me.  I ask for so little… Can't you just be nice?"

The 'manipulee' says:  "I must be very important.  I have so much power.  Poor them…"

Guess who 'wins' this one?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…


The most important rule of thumb on this one:  'See it like it is!'

If you find yourself in one of these situations with someone who is getting you to do things you really don't think make sense for you, ask yourself the following:

What indirect gain might I be getting out of this situation?

Why do I actually feel sorry for this person?

Do I feel superior to them in some way?

Am I afraid of how others will view me if I say 'No'?

Am I really doing anyone a favor by saying 'yes'?

Tuesday, July 26, 2016


"I feel so bad for him," she sighed.

"He keeps reaching out to me - dinner?  lunch?  A walk?..."

"Really, any little bit would satisfy him… except, well, each time I give him one little thing he starts whining about one more … I feel really guilty!"

"I mean I must be a really bad person, right?  All he is asking for is a little bit of my time…"

(snookerverb [ T ] UK  /ˈsnuː.kər/ US  /ˈsnuː.kɚ/ uk informal to prevent someone from finishing an intended plan of action:us informal to deceive or trick someone)        read more

What do ya say?
Do you get this one?

Friday, July 22, 2016


One of our early survival instincts had to be the ability to change direction.

Think about it…

In our Hunter/Gatherer days, if a predator jumped out onto our path we needed to quickly pivot and head in the opposite direction!

And in our early agricultural societies, paying attention to changing and shifting conditions and making appropriate changes was crucial.

How did this natural reaction, this need for flexibility, get altered? 

Perhaps we can blame the emphasis on this inflexibility on the Industrial Revolution and its inherent need for conformity and repetition? 

Or could it simply be the current emphasis on 'sticking to it' and not 'giving up'?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…


1)  If I make a plan I stick to it no matter what!
2)  I resent having to change and I am going to sit here and stew!
3)  It's not my fault that the plan changed! I shouldn't have to deal with it!
4)  Now everything is ruined!
5)  I will never make plans with those people again!

Do you think these beliefs help or hinder you?

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Remember that old saying:  'Man plans and God laughs'?

How good are you at re-booting when that laughter starts?

When what you expect doesn't happen, how quickly can you re-group?

What do ya say?
Can you turn? 

Wednesday, July 20, 2016


Sometimes it actually seems as if people are treasuring their anger and resentments… even those going back pretty far in time.

Like broody hens,they sit on these memories and nurture them  recounting and recollecting each moment of annoyance…

Ever wonder what the hook is?  Why would a person want to revisit a negative experience?

Seems counter-intuitive, right?

EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…


See if any of these feelings fit for you…

1)  FEAR: If I let it go and forget, it might happen again… if I hold on, I stay protected.

2)  CONFUSION: I need to figure it out!

3)  SENSE OF POWER: I won't let them get away with it! 

4)  HELPLESSNESS: By remembering the 'wrong' I am not letting them get away with it!

5)  PUNISHMENT: They deserve these bad thoughts!

To paraphrase that great quote from the Dalai Lama:  Throw away the experience, hold onto the lesson!