SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LEARNING TO PUSH BACK

It seems that most animal species learn to fight at a young age and evolve that skill into adult life based on necessity.

We humans need to be able to push back in ways that are appropriate to situations that we find ourselves in - not too hard or too soft but truly appropriate.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

HOW DID YOU LEARN?

What were the lessons you received growing up about fighting?

Were you taught to hit harder?

Or to turn the other cheek?

Imagine you could rewrite your childhood script…

What would you want to teach yourself?

NOW, CHILDREN…

No fighting!

Be nice!

Seriously?

In what alternative universe?

Did they say that, maybe, because it made life easier for them?

You know, remove the fangs and howls - lower the noise level…

What do ya say?

Were you allowed to learn this important life skill as a child?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WIN OR LOSE?

We seem to assume that others know what we want and how we want it, and get terribly hurt when they don't match up with our expectations.

'How could they!' we rant.

How could they:  Forget my birthday, not help me after all I've done for them, not invite me to…, buy me that awful…, not take care of things in the way I like…'

And when they don't read our minds as we assume they should, we often experience (and perhaps enjoy?) a sense of righteous indignation.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS         An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

LET'S FACE IT RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION CAN FEEL GOOD…

BUT…

Does it really get you what you want?

Make a list of the times you've set yourself - and others - up in this way…

The times you've expected them to KNOW what you want and how and when you want it…

Birthdays?

Support for a particular project?

Understanding what you are feeling?

Having your back?

How clear were you about what you needed?

Who are the people you tend to do this with?  Everyone or only certain people?

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

"Well," he said.  "I knew it!  I just knew if I waited, sure enough, he'd screw up!"

"What did you say?" he asked me.

"No, of course I didn't go into detail about what I wanted…"

Here's another one:

"My brother," she said, "is such an obnoxious bore!  He just talks over everyone."

 "What did you say?" she asked me.

"No, of course I never told him how annoying he is…"

And finally:

"She invited me to dinner," he complained, "and made food I never eat!  It was awful!"

"What did you say?" he asked me.

"No, of course I didn't tell her what I could eat beforehand…"

What do ya say?  See a pattern here?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - AGELESS

Can you remember a time when you were really happy with your age?

In retrospect we all look back on how much easier life was at an earlier time.

You know, you were more attractive, thinner, stronger, happier, smarter…

Right.

And were you actually saying it then?

I mean, at age 15 were you saying, "Whoa, life is so easy!"

Or at age 18?

Or 23?

Or… 

Nah.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS               An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Here are some things to ponder…

How old do you feel?  Does this change from day to day?

What are your 'pictures' connected to different ages?

How do you divide your life into epochs?

How old is 'old'?

Where did you get your ideas about age?

Do you want to upgrade them?

WHATS AGE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

When I turned 21 I started fretting about getting old.

At the time I was working in a language school and one of the other teachers, a Russian lady of a certain age, asked me what was wrong.  She laughed when I told her. 

"Carol", she said, "life doesn't even begin until you hit 60!  That's when you really come into your own!"

Then there was the friend who had been complaining about how old he was - for the last 30 years!

The final word on this one comes from an 80 year old I met hiking in the mountains outside of Guadalajara, Mexico.  

Here's her take on age:

"When I turned 70," she said, "I was feeling poorly and went to the doctor.  

I described my symptoms, and he shook his head and smiled at me sweetly.  

"Well, you are 70 and this is the way people feel when they get old."

"I looked that idiot straight in the eye and said 'FU'!  Then I went and found another doctor!" 

What do ya say?

Maybe it's time to rethink this one.

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - RULES OF THE ROAD

On the one hand we are told to aim high, visualize success and it will all come to us…

On the other hand we've got that learning curve to deal with…

Did you ever learn to ski?

Did you start on the baby slope?  Doing that truly dumb snow plough?

Graceful?  Not even close!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CONVERSATIONS WITH BULLYS - INNER AND OUTER

You:  "Okay.  So I am not perfect, but I am in there trying."

Bully:  "Trying is lying!"

You:  "Get off my back you fanatic whip wielder!

Bully:  "I am only trying to help you."

You:  "Seriously?  Are you nuts?  Do you think whacking me with your constant demands for perfection is helpful?

Bully:  "Well…"

                                                                       

CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK

"I just had a conversation with my mother and tried on this new stuff you've been feeding me…"

He was really down in the dumps.

"You know," he continued, "pushing back, maintaining my own boundaries.  All that supposedly healthy stuff!"

"Ugh!"

"I felt like that 800 pound gorilla and did about as well as that gorilla would have!"

"Fail!" he shouted.

"After I got off the phone," he moaned,"I really felt rotten!  I was sooo clumsy!"

What do ya say? 

Ever feel like you have two left feet when you try something new?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MIGHT IT REALLY BE GOLDEN?

Quiet doesn't seem to get high marks in our lives.

Can you remember the last time you were praised for being silent?Maybe in grade school...  

When we're quiet, we often assume that others tend to think the worst about us - or maybe that's only what we think they're thinking?

Hmmm

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT'S YOUR SILENCE TOLERANCE?

Which of the following fit for you?

* I can sit quietly and be comfortable with my own silence and that of others.

* If it's quiet too long I think something's wrong.

* When I'm with people and there's silence I have to fill it in.

* If someone doesn't respond to me right away, I get nervous and start chattering or asking questions.

* If there's a lull in a conversation I tend to think the other person is bored and try to be entertaining.

* I hate silence.  I always fill it in with negative thoughts.

SHHH… HANG IN THERE!

She asked me a question and I was quiet for a moment, letting my mind wander…

It's a lovely way to find answers.

But…

Ever notice how many people tend to panic when there's silence?

"Oh," she filled in quickly, "did you mean…"

What is it about silence that makes people feel such an intense need to fill in the blanks?

What do ya say?

Ever notice this one?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - NO, I WON'T!

Words and how we use them are so important.

For instance, the word 'should' can be highly toxic!

Ever notice, how, when someone 'shoulds' you, your reaction is often of the knee-jerk variety?

"You should do x" almost always yields y!

And "You should not do x" almost always makes x irresistible.

'Should' no matter how well intended is a Bully word and most of us do not react well to being bullied!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

"Up yours," I screamed as I shot myself in the foot…

Sound familiar?

How many times do you think you have harmed yourself by reacting rebelliously to bullying?

Think about all the times someone has scolded you about what you are doing.  What were they complaining about? 

Did the 'problem' get better or worse?

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

"Ugh, I am so frustrated!" she announced as she came into the room.

"Remember," she continued, "the last time I saw you I told you that I lost all this weight?"

"And remember how happy I was?"

"Well, I gained it all back!"

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Nothing," she replied,"it just all changed…"

"Nothing?" I probed.

"Well, I did go to the doctor for a general checkup…"

"Yeah?" I prodded.

"And that bitch told me I needed to lose weight!"

What do ya say? Do you speak 'Rebel'?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HARNESS THE WAVE

Why would anger ever make us feel immobilized and stuck?

It seems to have been 'designed' for exactly the opposite purpose - to get us moving and activate our resources to fix problems.

But

We are taught that it isn't nice to feel and really not nice to act on our anger!

We are taught that using anger to push back against others will get us in trouble and make us 'un-likeable'.

In reality anger is a strong energy and if we try to sit on it we create internal blockage and an emotional frozen zone.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THREE RULES FOR HEALTHY ANGER

1)  It is okay to feel!

2)  It is okay to find non-toxic ways to release it - Be creative!

3)  It is okay to use your anger as part of a problem solving strategy!

DOING THE STOMP

He stomped into the room, fists clenched, shoulders tense.

"Grrr!  Grrr!  Grrr!"

"Snakes and bastards!" (Thank you Agatha Raisin.)

"I am overwhelmed by anger!"

STOMP!  STOMP!

"And the really bad part," he continued, "is that I can tell it's getting in my way!"

"All I want to do is bury myself under the bed and hide out 'til it's all over!"

"HELP!"

What do ya say?  Ever been there?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHERE Y'AT?

Balance is a very old human requirement. 

The Navajo called it 'harmony', the Greeks of antiquity told about the woes of humans and gods when they lost touch with balance, and it often shows up as a theme in the works of Shakespeare.

It seems to be part of our nature to need and crave balance - balance between work and play, between intensity and relaxation, between intimacy and space. 

And yet, interestingly, it also seems to be one of our most challenging goals to achieve. 

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                

 An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

FINDING YOUR BALANCE

The operative word here is: 'your'!

We are all different and have different requirements to achieve balance.

So…

An easy way to find your 'center' is to pay attention to the off-balance messages you give yourself…

Getting a lot of colds?  Minor ailments? Feeling bitchy?  Is your sleep off?  Over eating?  Over boozing? 

You get the idea.  All of these are possible signs that you've lost your balance point.

And the remedy?

Time out - with permission - to recalibrate!

LIMING, YEAH...

Ever heard of it?   (catch the rhythm...)

We call it 'spacing out' or 'being lazy'…

Yup.  
A negative connotation for sure.

But…

In Trinidad and other Caribbean islands?  (check it out)

It's an art form!  
Doing nothing without feeling guilty…

In reality, giving yourself time out allows your brain to process all that information it receives during the course of the day!

Hey, according to current research, Reggae is the favorite music of our canine friends!

What do ya say?

Are you as smart as your dog?