PERNICIOUSLY ENTERTAINING…

Those ancient Greeks probably had it right…

All their gods and heroes were FLAWED!

If you deconstruct those myths - think Zeus, Achilles, Hera, Prometheus …

What you get is prototypical human dysfunction - you know, real life!

And the stuff we feed ourselves today?

Seriously synthetic!

Happy endings (and really, what is an ending?)

Perfect parents, totally giving, loving and non-competitive sibs!

Yikes!

What do ya say?

You're not buying this stuff, right?

And please, don't say you are holding it up as the pattern for real life!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

How can we possibly believe that what another person does is predicated entirely on their feelings about us? 

It is as if we erase their entire life… they become only a reflection of our beliefs.

Pretty weird when you think about it, right?

The child who spills water on the floor while washing might be nearsighted or have astigmatism - or maybe is so worried about something that he is totally unaware of what is going on around him… 

Does that occur to his angry mom?  No.  She is sure that he is just 'taking her for granted' and being disrespectful…

When we write a script that makes the entire world revolve around us we lose touch with reality - always a dangerous thing!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

SEPARATION…SEPARATION…SEPARATION!

Another easy one:

Choose three recent instances where someone else's behavior got to you.

Ask yourself if you were 'taking it personally' i.e. assuming that they were making a statement about you.

Now ask yourself what that behavior might have actually been - about them.

How do you feel about the situation when you 'disengage' in this way?

Might it help you figure out a better way of dealing with this particular person?

DISSED... REALLY?

Her 11 year old son kept splashing water all over the floor when he washed his face…

His older brother kept handling their family business in a disastrous way …

Her nephew never bothered to call except when he wanted something…

What's the common denominator?

They all took the other person's behavior as a personal insult.

What do ya say?

Do you take other peoples actions as a statement about you?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - READY TO GIVE IT UP?

Do you really think you have that much control over…everything?

How did we come to feel that we should?  That everything in our lives is someone's fault: ours... theirs…

When things went off the rails in your younger days what did you learn?  Did you hear that old standby: 'Now, what did you do!'

The paradox is that when we assume total responsibility for things we are also indirectly saying we have all the power, all the control…

Perhaps it's time to give that one up in favor of something more balanced? 

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THIS ONE IS PRETTY SIMPLE: A MEDITATION ON REALITY

Think about some situations where you assumed the total 'weight'. 

Can you see how you were also assuming total control? 

Even when the outcome was negative?

  

DID I DO THAT!?

She was standing on top of a ladder screwing in a light bulb when that giant San Francisco earthquake hit.  

Luckily her neighborhood was solid… but all the lights in the street went out!

"OMG!" she berated herself.  NOW what have I done?" 

You get this, right?

Some of us seem to take a little too much responsibility on our shoulders…

What do ya say?

Can you relate?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - A CASE OF THE 'SHOULDS'

How do we get ourselves into those sticky situations where we make promises that we know, or at the very least suspect, are not tenable?

The answers to this one are easy:  we believe we should be able to do whatever we promise or…

We are afraid they won't like us if we don't pay lip service to what they want…

And the sad thing is that when we can't come across with the imprudently promised behaviors they end up really annoyed!

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PRELUDE TO A PROMISE:  GET REAL!

Before making that pledge ask yourself the following:

1)  Why do I feel I should be able to do this?

2)  Who am I afraid of disappointing?

3)  Am I buying time by saying 'yes'?

4)  If I need time, why not say it?

THE SET UP

"I promise," she insisted.

"I will tell you the minute I decide to…"

You can fill in the blanks.

Did she really think she'd be ready to share the minute she decided? 

Of course, not really possible…

BUT

Guess who got lots of anger coming her way from those promises?

What do ya say?

Do you set up unrealistic expectations?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - EMOTIONAL FLOATERS

We all know about PTSD, a serious after-reaction to a truly traumatic event. read more

But, did you know that we often also have after effects from expected but painful, sad, or difficult life events? 

(Obviously, not to the same degree, and if you really feel you are over-reacting then it's a great opportunity to talk to a professional!)

We tend to expect that when a difficult event is over we move on cleanly with no residue.  

Because of this belief we often feel bad about ourselves when we continue to react some time after the event.

As a way of understanding what actually happens think about that after image we see following a camera flash - or perhaps the after shocks of an earthquake!

Very little in nature recovers immediately!

If we expect aftershocks they don't scare us and this actually can speed up recovery!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about some of the major difficult events in your life:

          An illness

          A break-up

          A failed dream

          A lost job

          A death of a loved one…

Now think about how long it actually took you to recover.

How did you define recovery? 

BOUNCE BACK

"What's the matter with me?"

"Why am I still feeling…"

"Shouldn't this be over by now?"

"Everyone says I should be over it!

Sound familiar?

What do ya say?

How quickly do you expect to bounce back from a set back? 

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Is that person blocking the elevator exit selfish?  That's one way to look at it…

But even more valuable is the concept of situational awareness, sometimes referred to as mindfulness.

Simply put this is the ability to be aware of what is going on around you - a crucial survival skill for all animal species!

'Situation awareness involves being aware of what is happening in the vicinity to understand how information, events, and one's own actions will impact goals and objectives, both immediately and in the near future.' 

READ MORE

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

UPGRADE YOUR MINDFULNESS TO TUNE INTO YOUR WORLD!

Click the link below to take a Situational Awareness quiz:

CLICK HERE

What's your score?  Think about how you can upgrade your game…

SITUATIONAL UN-AWARENESS

A lady and her bicycle got off the elevator in the Lobby.

She stood blocking the elevator door as she yelled into her cell phone.

A little obnoxious, right?

But wait…

Behind her, still in the elevator - attempting to get her attention so he could exit was a guy - on crutches!

No, I am not making this up!

She was totally oblivious.

Must have been an important phone call…

What do ya say?

Been there?  Done that?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - PUSHING BACK

It takes a tremendous amount of self awareness - not to mention self esteem and inner strength - to say 'NO' to something we should do but don't really want to.

So, sometimes we say our 'no's' indirectly by breaking plates... 

We test badly for a job we really don't want but feel we should take, we get sick before an event we should attend but don't really want to, we even sometimes get caught cheating to get out of a relationship we haven't had the ability to end…

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

The problem with pushing back in this indirect manner is that we create …

s-u-f-f-e-r-i-n-g!

Think of some of the times in your life you got out of doing something you really didn't want to do - but knew you should - by indirectly downgrading your performance.

Make a list of each of these events.   

Now remind yourself what you did to 'ruin' it.

(Hint: Usually these are things we label as 'happening to us' not as 'done by us'!)

And finally, just for a mental stretch, imagine you 'failed' because you really didn't want to do whatever it was… and that it was okay not to do it!

I TRIED, REALLY …

Once upon a time there was a very sweet and well intentioned little girl.  Her parents believed children should do chores, so after dinner she washed the dishes.

I bet you think she was rewarded, right?

Nope.

Her mother pointed out all the spots the little girl missed on those nasty pots…

So the little girl tried again.

This time she got all the pots… BUT…

Her mother pointed out all the spots the little girl missed on the plates…

Can you guessed what happened next time?

If you figured out that the little girl dropped and broke more dishes than she cleaned you got it right…

And guess what?

That mother told the little girl that she was no longer allowed to wash the dishes…

AWWW… TOO BAD!

Now of course, the important thing about this story is the take away.

Can you guess what it is?

What do ya say?

Do you ever find yourself pushing back by breaking a metaphorical dish or two?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT?

How did it all get so difficult?

Where did we get the idea that saying something simply and directly was bad manners?

That we were supposed to hint and make end runs around what we were trying to say - especially when it had to do with something that we wanted or needed?

Could it have started with those parental voices saying, 'Ask nicely'?

Or maybe it was the 'rule' that telling someone what you wanted for your birthday was tacky?

Or perhaps that caveat: 'If they really care, they'll figure it out!'

When did communication turn into game playing and testing instead of simple and open sharing?

Perhaps it's time to give ourselves permission to just - kindly of course - tell it like it is?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about your own 'communo' style…

How would you describe your M.O.?

          Direct?

          Open?

          Clear?

          Taking responsibility for what you want and feel?

          Honest?

Or would you fall on the other side of the page…you know:

          Indirect?

          Obscure?

          Convoluted?

          Twisting the burden of what you want onto the other?

          Dishonest?

If you think back in time, who did you learn your licks from?

Did you really like the way they dealt with the world?

Can you think of someone whose style you admire?

Imagine yourself using their model for your own style.

How does that feel?

Could you try it out for a day?

HINT…HINT…

"I'm really upset with my friends," she complained. 

"Tomorrow is my birthday," she whined, with a really sad expression on her face, "and they haven't planned anything!"

"Did you remind them?" I asked.

"Well, no, not exactly… but I hinted pretty good, and they should have known!"

"I mean, when my dog woofs at his dish, I know what he wants and he's not even human…"

What do ya say?

Do you expect people to play detective?

And then feel hurt when they miss the clues?