DON'T GET MAD…

Ever hear this one:

'Don't get mad, get even!'

Of course you have.

It's very pervasive in our culture.

But think about it…

First of all, what's wrong with feeling angry?

And secondly, Yikes!

'Getting even' means your energy is focused on that other guy's game.

What do ya say?

Is that where you want your focus to be?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - IS IT WORKING?

During our teen age years, we often create groups that provide a sense of belonging.

There are insiders and outsiders, them and us.

These bonds help us negotiate tough times - all the changes that occur as we move from childhood to our adult status.

One of the ways the borders of these groups are created and fortified is with gossip about the outsiders.

Sometimes people retain these connections throughout their lives - and sometimes we let go of the people but continue the behavior - taking gossip and bad mouthing to a sophisticated level…

What do we get from this continued behavior?

Sometimes gossip is just silly fun - no biggie - but when the bad-mouthing moves into group behavior of them vrs. us, it can easily become destructive.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                          

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Ask yourself what you are getting from being part of a 'bad-mouth' moment…

Is it an indirect way of dealing with anger?  Does this really help you?

Does it make you feel important?  Is this the best way?

Does it make you feel safe?  (If I'm part of the 'bashers' they won't get me.)  Is this really true?

THE ART OF BAD MOUTHING

Ever notice how some families make this an Olympic sport?

There are rules, of course…

1)  The subject of the BM (yeah, I think that designation works) has to be absent.

2)  The BMers have to convey an attitude of rectitude - they would never be guilty of… whatever…

3)  The BM session is always intended in the best of spirits.  You know, to solve a problem or… something equally righteous.

4)  The 'in camera' sessions are off the record.  No one present is expected to let the accused know!

5)  Whatever is said is taken as gospel without any fact checking.

What do ya say?

We were all guilty in high school, but since then?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - NO THANKS!

After the age of 4 or 5 it's no longer cute to have diarrhea of the mouth!  We giggle when the little ones say those outrageous things but at a certain point we expect everyone to learn to 'think before they speak'!

We've all been on the receiving end of loose lip attacks and probably walked away hurt…

Instead of internalizing those comments it might be interesting to ask yourself what's going on with your 'assailant'. 

Is it an early learning defect - a mistake in their upbringing - or is there a more nefarious goal…

Might this person be jealous of you?  Competitive? 

Think about it.  These below the belt hits are usually not unintentional.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS               

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT ARE THEY GETTING?

When you get zapped, ask yourself what goal your assailant might have?  They are NOT saying these things as a favor to you!

Some possible reasons:

Generic meanness

Scratching an itch

A power play

Getting even for an assumed act by you

Competition

Jealousy

Thinking that their beliefs are better than yours…

You get the drift.  It is never really about helping you!

FAULTY FILTERS

Do they really think you want to hear everything they are thinking - about you?

'OMG you've really gained weight!'

'Whoa, you've lost weight and your face is sagging!'

'I can't believe you're wearing that!'

'Hey, are you pregnant?'

'Who cut your hair?'

'Your neighbor (who you hate) just got promoted!'

They say it's just to be helpful.  

For your own good…

Seriously?

What do ya say?

What's that really about?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CAN YOU AVOID EMOTIONAL ATTACKS?

No!  You really can't control this one! 

You can try to see these hits coming. 

You can avoid certain people and situations.

You can make an effort not to fall into quicksand and sand traps…

But staying 100% out of the way of all emotional ambushes? 

No way!  Not at all possible.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN YOU GET ZAPPED WITH THAT EMOTIONAL STUN GUN?

Be kind to yourself!

You just got zapped.  It happens. 

Don't compound it by self-scolding!  That means don't fault yourself for someone else's bad behavior!

Do you need to push back and let the other person know how you feel about what they did?

NO.  Not unless it feels safe!  

However, if you are left with anger you do need to do something to release it - whether you include the other person or not.

WHACK ATTACK

"So," he said.  "I was going along minding my own business with a smile on my face, when suddenly 'WHAMMO!"

"Out of nowhere," he continued, "this neighbor I saw in the hall jumps down my throat!"

He was talking about that awful sense of bewilderment and confusion we experience when out of the blue we are suddenly accused of…

Something that we weren't even aware of…

What do ya say?

Ever been on the receiving end of this one?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STEPPING STONES

Unless dealing with major catastrophes humans don't really change in giant steps…

There was a time when the big weekend marathon change-a-thons were popular.  Hop in, suffer, cry, scream and come out transformed…

Uh huh.

Ever know any of those participants?

Did you see lasting transformation?

It seems that the healthiest and most lasting path to change is in small, gentle moments of 'Ah ha!'. 

That 'ah ha' is important. 

That sound of self-applause and acknowledgement allows our neurological system (read 'brain') to catalog the change as positive and use it as a building block to the next step!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

LEARNING TO COUNT THOSE SMALL STEPS IS CRUCIAL!

TRY THIS:

At the end of each day ask yourself what you did in a new or different way that day.

If your answer is 'nothing' - re-check!

Look for small differences.

A slightly new way of solving a problem…

A slightly different way of dealing with another person…

A mini-step in a healthier direction…

THE ZEN OF LIFE MAINTENANCE

Tiny steps and movements…

Changing the position of a pebble - changes the whole design…

What do ya say?

Feel it?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT'S IN A GRIPE?

Do you have fun complaining?

Think about it…

There seems to be something very enjoyable about a good kvetch.

We get into them.

We share them with friends and sometimes even strangers.

We get dramatic.

Sometimes we exaggerate a wee bit…

And afterwards we often feel better.

So what's the downside?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                          

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THE FINE ART OF A GOOD GRUMBLE

Exaggerate it.

Get into it.

Have fun with it.

BUT

Don’t buy into it!

TUNE IN…

It is so easy to complain, right?

Let's face it, life is full of annoying hassles that just ask to be kvetched about…

Some minor, some major…

BUT

If you're still breathing, use your senses to feel the beauty around you - it's there…

The amazing, changing sky…

The song of the birds…

The acrobatic antics of the squirrels…

And then there is the love we find.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsxtImDVMig)

Each day has its moments if you stay tuned in!

What do ya say?  You feel it, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CONTAMINATED?

Toxic Life Syndrome (TLS) is contagious!

If you have it, you can infect those around you.

If you are exposed to a 'carrier' you need to detox!

You know you've probably been exposed when you experience a sudden and intense energy drop, emotional heaviness and a pervasive feeling of helplessness, often followed by diffuse anger.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take preventive measures?

Ever hear a song called 'Poison Ivy' by The Coasters? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRfRITVdz4k

Ever been exposed to the real stuff?  How many times?  It took awhile to be able to really identify it and avoid it, right?

Wouldn't it be great to avoid it altogether?

So to avoid TLS: watch out for anger coming at you, especially loud smoldering tirades or the anger disguised as whining, 'poor me' moans…

Equally dangerous are people ramping around in states of distorted expectations and beliefs about what life owes them…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

The more you tune into TLS, whether you are the carrier or someone else is, the easier it becomes to protect yourself…

3 STEPS TO AVOID CONTAGEON:

1)  Identify carriers

Sensitize yourself to the body language, auditory noise, and words these people tend to use.  Tune into the dissonance between their words and actions. 

Create your own sensors that signal oncoming attacks… Craft auditory signals as warning signs - these can be real - ring tones on your phone - or imaginary.  

Visual images that you attach to a person's presence are also useful. 

These tools are all meant to put you on alert and ready to take off!

2)  Bug proof yourself 

If you are stuck in a situation and can't get away, create an imaginary force field.   

Imagine wearing one of those CSI suits.  Earphones are amazing at bug proofing… Have some fun with this one…

3)  Stay out of dangerous environments

Do your best to avoid being with these people in locations that are small and where leaving is hard … elevators can be particularly difficult.

Phone calls can also be challenging … be ready to disengage!

TOXIC LIFE SYNDROME

Ever been around someone who seems to bring a dark, heavy, ominous atmosphere wherever they go?

You're in a good mood, life's fine, nothing horrid on the horizon…

and then someone walks into your space and the next thing you know you're feeling drained, your energy level's around minus 10 and you wonder how that happened!?

What do ya say?

Sound at all familiar?

How do you protect yourself from TLS?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE FALLACY OF EASY

Let's get real - it just isn't so!  The steps might be simple but the process is not easy!

Think about these life issues:

Diet

Exercise

School

Breaking up

Finding a life partner

Raising healthy children

Pushing back

Dealing with anger

Dealing with sadness

Saying goodbye

Letting go

De-cluttering

Sticking to it

Keeping up with paperwork

Do you really think any of these are easy?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PUSHING THROUGH HARD

Let's use one simple and time honored example:

FOOD AND EATING

Why do you think there are thousands of diet books?  Diet plans?  Diet doctors?

Staying with it is hard!  

Whether it is for weight loss or optimal health, at some point we all hit 'hard'… and then what happens?

Take yourself backwards in time to your last experience of 'hard' with this one...  

What happened?

Was it the smell of that 'forbidden' food?  Or perhaps the little voice that whined "it's not fair!"?  Or that other seductive voice that claimed "just this once!"

Or maybe it was watching others eat and letting your resentment take over…

Whatever it was, that was when the peddle hit the metal, the sh@# hit the fan and you approached the land of HARD!

Now imagine you had a personal cheerleader who chants:

"Yes you can!"  "Yes you can!"  "Hang in there!"  "Remember the reward!"

Focus on that reward (good health, beautiful skin, getting off meds, reducing pain, loving what you see and feel…) until it becomes your personal mantra.  

Can you hear it singing to you?