SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CAN YOU BE WRONG?

What does being wrong - or better yet - not right, mean to you?

It seems that a lot of our need to be right is connected to a competitive system of learning that we carry into our adult years.

The problem is that this can set up an adversarial structure that often blocks continued learning.

Think about it. 

Don't we really want our world to be expansive… not self-limiting?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PRACTICING 'NON-RIGHTNESS'

Try these mini-mantras and see how you feel…

'I might be wrong but I think…'

'You might be right but perhaps…'

'We could both be right in different ways…'

DID THAT LAST ONE MAKE YOU LAUGH?

SAY WHAT?

"We are going to have a major snow storm here in Nevada," he said.

"Yeah, here in NYC, too," I replied.

"No!" he stated categorically.  "You're wrong. Yours is not going to be anything much, just a few inches."

Okaaay…

So, the next week, after the second worst blizzard in NYC history, I spoke to him again…

"See," he gloated.  "I was right!  You did have a major snow storm!"

Riiight…

What do ya say?

How do you deal with these people who always have to be correct?

You're not one of them, are you?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - IT'S REAL

If we invalidate - second guess and discount our own experience - we limit our ability to learn, evolve and heal.

Pain, whether emotional or physical, directs our focus.

It cries out:  "Hey, pay attention!"

And in doing so, is an essential element of human learning.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

TALK TO YOUR PAIN

Here are 5 steps you can experiment with when you are in pain: 

1)  Describe your symptoms and their locations to yourself.

2)  List the emotions you are feeling:  fear, anger, depression, sadness, hopelessness…

3)  Now imagine that you could visualize your pain. 

What  form would it take?  What size?  Color?

4)  Next imagine you could actually talk to it.  What would you say?  How would it answer?

5)  Let a dialog develop and see what happens.

WHAT DO YOU GET FROM DOING THIS?

OUCH!

When I pulled my QL muscle the pain was pretty nasty, and frankly, I was worried about it... Until I read a description of the intensity of pain this can cause:

"Person may have to drop on all fours due to pain from the QL."

When I mentioned what a relief it was to read this I got a really interesting, and consistent response:

"Yeah, I can understand why it was a relief," they said.

"At least you knew you weren't crazy!"

WHOA!

Actually, I never thought I was crazy…

What do ya say?

Do you invalidate your own experiences by thinking you're crazy?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CALM DOWN?

Why do people tell us to calm down?

Simple:  They don't want to hear it or deal with it!

So, is it okay for them to say: 'Don't yell at me'?

Sure.

As long as they add that it's about them and not you.

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CHECK OUT THIS FORMULA:

Sitting on anxiety (anger!) = added stress!

So, what to do?

Find a 'voice', a way of acknowledging what you are feeling without 'sliming' those around you - even if you think it's their fault!

Yelling is pretty toxic and usually won't get good results - unless you see an bug, snake or maybe even a bear…

Saying 'OMG this is a disaster' is fine.

You get the drift!

IS HE NUTS?

He kept telling me to 'calm down' and the more he said it the more agitated I got!

I mean, jeez, water was pouring out of the dishwasher all over the floor and the fire alarm was going off!

'CALM DOWN?!'

Was he medicated or something?

What do ya say?

How do you react when people tell you to cool it?

Really works, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE MECHANICS OF SELF TORMENT

Sadly, it starts at a really early age.  Our well-meaning parents, frightened for us, shout, "Pay attention! What are you doing!?" 

They are scared that harm will befall us … and frightened of the criticism of others.  'What will the ubiquitous THEY think?'

The next step in this process is that we begin to internalize that voice at moments of real or perceived danger - "Pay attention, watch out, be careful!" we scold ourselves mimicking the voices of our elders…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

8 STEPS TO FREEDOM 

1)  Step back and describe the situation that has triggered your bully voice.

2)  Do you really think you should always be able to be perfect?

3)  How could you really know what was going to happen?

4)  Visualize your inner bully, listen to the sound of its voice, does it come with a smell…sulfur, perhaps…

5)  Cui bono?  Who's getting off on the self immolation?

6)  Start a dialog with that part of you.  You can use your hands like puppets and give each side a sentence to start with and then really let yourself get into it and see where the dialog goes.  

Usually laughter is a good sign…

7)  Celebrate freedom from that nagging… for the moment!

8)  Stay vigilant - recognize opportunities for your inner bully and be preemptive!

FEAR…AND LOATHING

"I really shouldn't have done that!"

He was so angry…

"It totally messed me up!"

His voice held a mixture of self loathing and contempt.

What did he do?

Well, this time it was not paying attention to where he was going and showing up late to an important meeting…

But it could have been anything in a long list from saying the wrong thing to listening to the wrong person…

Have you ever heard anyone say, "I can't believe I did something so stupid!"?

Not you, right?

What do ya say?

Do you get how this works?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY COUNT…

How many times have you heard someone - yourself maybe? - say they just learned something new and followed it up with:

  'I should have already known this!'

  'Everyone else already does…'

  'Why did it take me so long?'

  'All those wasted years!'

Clearly, a pitfall of those 'aha!' moments is the seemingly open invitation to our inner bully to jump on board.

Perhaps an explanation of the emergence of that well meaning inner bully at times of potential transformation, is to protect us from the destabilization of our previous beliefs that new learning can create?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

IN ORDER TO LIMIT THE BACKWARDS DRAG OF YOUR INNER BULLY VOICE…

LEARN TO CELEBRATE CHANGE ONE TINY STEP AT A TIME! 

LIGHT BULB MOMENTS

"Wait 'til you hear this!" hooted the 75 year old man.

"I had a real light bulb moment!"

His excitement was palpable… and lovely!

How wonderful to feel that amazement of self-discovery… even at age 75.

What do ya say?

Can you celebrate every new awareness as a gift?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SAY WHAT?

Ever notice how often people make comments about other people's appearance?  And how much impact their comments can have on how we feel?  

This is clearly an indication of how important appearance is in our society.  And of course, the specific content of these comments gives us even more information about our society's values.

Given the importance that appearance has, it also becomes a great arena for bullying, for feeling like a victim, for rebellion and passive aggressive behavior.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

EVER HEAR ANY OF THESE?  EVER SAY THEM?

- 'You look just like_____________'(fill in the blank).

- 'You would be so attractive if only you ____________'(fill in the blank).

- 'Have you ever thought of changing your___________'

- 'Men who look like you_____________'

- 'Women who look like you_______________'

- 'If only you'd_________________'

IF YOU WERE ON THE RECEIVING END:

HOW HAVE THESE COMMENTS IMPACTED YOU?

WHAT DID YOU DO IN RESPONSE?

DID YOU RESPOND DIRECTLY TO THE PERSON WHO SAID THIS?

DID YOU REALIZE THAT THE COMMENTS HAD MORE TO DO WITH THE OTHER PERSON THAN THEY DID TO YOU?

IF YOU WERE ON THE 'GIVING' END:

DID YOU REALIZE HOW YOUR WORDS WOULD IMPACT THE OTHER?

WHAT WAS YOUR REAL GOAL?

DID YOU ACHIEVE IT?

-

BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS

He kept telling me how much I reminded him of his mother…

And today, finally, he showed me a picture of said mom.

Heh…heh…heh…

As soon as he left I ran to the mirror.

It was either that or crawling under the bed.

And, no, thank God, I had not suddenly aged 30 years!

What do ya say?

He meant well, right?

Wasn't it supposed to be a compliment…

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ANGER? SADNESS? GRIEF?

These emotions are normal and actually part of our healing process.

We get in trouble when we start chastising ourselves for having these feelings - a guaranteed strategy for prolonging our distress and getting stuck in the very emotions we attempt to bully ourselves out of!

When things feel out of control we get frightened and tend to look for a way to gain more control - logical, right?

However one of our favorite mechanisms seems to be releasing our inner bully to handle things. 

Our bully voice takes over with its 'shoulds', its rules and mandates, scolding us and demanding we figure out what we did to cause the chaos.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

KNOW YOUR ENEMY!

Can you recognize your bully voice?

You might have heard it first from your mother, father, an older sibling, a teacher…

All well intentioned of course!

And then we internalize it and use it on ourselves…

5 FUN STEPS TO STOP THAT BULLY!

1)  Catch the sound bite!

2)  Say it out loud!

3)  Exaggerate it!

4)  Talk back!                                                                        ('You are not helping!  You are making things worse!  Leave!')

5)  Replace it with your inner ally! 

('It's ok!  Hang in there!  We'll figure it out!')

AAALLLL ABOARD….

Here we are at day 7 of a New Year…

What have you brought with you on this year's journey?

And what have you left behind?

REMEMBER:

External events, earthquakes, other people's stuff…

Those are not our choices…

How we react to them is!

What do ya say?

What are you packing this year?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HATE IT? OWN IT?

'Psychological projection, also known as blame shifting, is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence while attributing them to others.

For example, a person who is rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude.

According to some research, the projection of one's negative qualities onto others is a common process in everyday life.'    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

ENOUGH SAID…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

OWN IT AND DROP IT IN 3 EASY STEPS…

1)  Ask yourself whose behavior you hate.

2)  Ask yourself if that behavior seems at all familiar - to you!

3)  If you answered yes… knowing how you feel about it in others… perhaps you'd like to remove it from your own repertoire?

NOPE! NOT ME!

"She is so bossy!"

The bossiest man I know was complaining about his co-worker.

Oookaaay…

"He is always late to everything!" 

This time to complainer was a woman famous for always showing up at least an hour off the mark…

And how about this one:

"What a slob!"

Several major pack-rats were shaking their collective heads as they disdainfully looked around their friend's apartment…

What do ya say?

Ever noticed how the things that bug you the most in others just might - maybe - fit for you?