WHO TAKES THE HIT?

"Passive/aggressive is bad enough," she says.

"I get it," she continues.

"I'm mad at someone but I don't have the guts to tell them directly, so, we make plans to meet and I'm late…"

"Whoops!  My bad…heh, heh, heh."

"Only a minor FU, but I get it.  I stressed them out." 

"Yeah, I really feel bad about that - NOT!"

"But what I really don't get" she says shaking her head, "is when I do it to myself, you know," she continues, "when I'm late for class, or trying to catch a plane or…"

She sighed again.

"I mean, I'm the only one who suffers then!"

What do ya say?  Do you do this?  

Do you get it?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CREATING STRESS

Some stress is endemic; it comes with survival and is part of life...

But

There's another layer of stress that's self and other generated and unhealthy and unnecessary!

Bullying creates unwelcome and unnecessary stress whether we do it to ourselves or others.

Negative internal dialogs create unnecessary and unhealthy stress…

Competing for imagined scarcity of attention, love and appreciation creates unnecessary and unhealthy stress.

Having unrealistic expectations of self and others creates…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

REMOVING STRESS

First give yourself a stress rating from 1-10.  10 is HIGH!

Now ask yourself what is causing this moment's stress.

Is it internal or external?

Is it something unavoidable? (An exam, a performance, catching a plane - all those real life things.)

Now ask yourself if you have realistically done what you can to take care of things.

Finally, ask yourself if your expectations are realistic or if they come from old scripts about what you should be able to control…

Now, take a deep breath and release the part that is really and realistically out of your hands!

What happens as you do this conscious experiment?

ANTI-STRESS MANTRA

"You can't be late 'til you get there… and then you're there! - Professor P. Gallagher, GWU @1967

So very 1960's, right?

Seriously 'be here now', hippie, dippy…

Not relevant anymore?

Think again!

What do ya say?

Can you see the relevance?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - 'FIXER' IN YOUR FAMILY?

Ever notice how the movie 'fixer' ends up at the bottom of the lake?

Although useful, this character knows where all the bodies are buried and ends up being resented.

Family 'fixers' always think they are being helpful, but end up being resented, too. 

Who takes this role in our families?

It's the parent who says 'Be nice to your little sister', thus getting in the way of healthy sibling rivalry, or the older sibling who is given the role of making sure everyone else is taken care of.

It's the 'make nice' person who absorbs and hides the flaws of others. 

Thinking they are doing the right thing, they end up being resented, and, inevitably, resenting the burden they carry!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                      An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN FAMILY SET UP.

Was there anyone who: 

Covered up for others? 

Told you to make excuses for others?

Bribed you (ice cream, extra allowance) to overlook someone else's behavior? 

What do you think would have happened without the 'fixing'?

See if you can remember an event where the 'fix' was in.

Re-run the event 'fix' free.

What happens?

THE FIXER

The term 'fixer' is in the news a lot these days…

Many of us are familiar with it from the old gangster movies, but did it ever occur to you that there are 'fixers' in families, too?

This is the person - sometimes one of the parents - sometimes a sibling - who 'covered' for another family member.

What do ya say?  Was there a 'fixer' in your family?

Who was it?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ENERGY RELEASE

So is venting ever okay?

And actually what does it really mean?

Sometimes our emotions, especially anger, get so engaged that we experience them physically:

Can't breathe?  Stomach cramps?  Jaw clenching?  Muscle cramping?  Headache?

When this happens sorting through what we feel in a tempered manner can seem impossible.

Hence the concept of 'venting' - airing out and releasing backed up energy.  And it is okay…

But never around other sentient beings!  Yes, we are including our other animal friends in the vent-free zone!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

5 ENERGY RELEASE STRATEGIES

Write it out before you shout!

Stomp it out until you laugh!

Create imaginary dialogs with the evil doer!  Have fun!

Yell as loud as you want - in a safe, you only space!

VENTILATION

"Well, she wasn't yelling at me… I mean, I was the one on the phone with her, but you know, she was yelling about someone else…"

"And how did you feel when you got off the phone?" I asked.

"Well… exhausted," she admitted.

"I did have a headache for the rest of the day…" she acknowledged sheepishly.

"But she needed to vent!  Isn't that what friends are for?

What do ya say?  Think so?

SERIOULSY SPEAKING - SELF SOOTHING

It's easy to feel panic, and these days it's in the air a lot.

The challenge for all of us is to learn the art of self comfort and soothing.  We are not talking about denial.

In yesterday's story the child was correct that at some point our sun will burn out.  But her father was also correct in putting the threat into perspective.

Each of us is responsible for creating this perspective in our own lives!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

FINDING THE BALANCE

This one is pretty simple:

For each issue you are dealing with that starts to feel out of balance - this might include health, relationships, work, the political scene - ask yourself: 

What is the worst case result 

What is the best case 

and then find that balance point which is the most likely scenario.

THERE GOES THE SUN!

 (To the tune of: the Beatles: 'Here comes the Sun')

The youngster was pretty smart and proudly read the grown up newspaper.

But one story made her little, 7 year old breath catch.

"Daddy!" she cried.  "In 50 billion years the sun is going to burn out!  I am so scared!  What are we going to do?"

Her Dad smiled serenely.

"Don't worry," he reassured her. 

"We'll all be gone by then…"

What do ya say?

Do you understand how a smile and a reassuring tone can make it all okay?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE LECTURE CIRCUIT

Why do we so often respond to other peoples' problems by lecturing them?

Do we really think that we know the answers for them?

Or maybe we are just imitating an M.O. we learned from our parents?

Do we like being lectured?

Do we take in advice delivered in this manner?

Is lecturing ever useful?   Almost never!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU LECTURED SOMEONE OR WERE LECTURED BY THEM…

What do you think was the motivation:

Trying to be helpful?

Feeling smart?

Relieving your own anxiety?

Dealing with your own anger and stress?

Indirectly working out your own 'stuff'?

Copying learned behavior?

BLAH BLAH BLAH…

She was lecturing me, non-stop, about how bad it was that I had lectured her about…

Yikes!

What is this propensity we humans have for telling other people what to do?

What do ya say?

You don't do this, right?

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Don't you just hate it when you're wrong?

Especially when it turns out someone else was right … and you felt so superior to them because… well, you were sure they were clueless.

Ugh!  I mean, what does that say about you?

What do ya say?

Pretty unsettling, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MOVING THROUGH CHANGES

When we think of transitions obvious extreme images come to mind:  The image we often use for this is jumping from one mountain top to another (changing grades, living and dying…)

But how about those smaller changes?  Perhaps a good image for this might be stepping from a train onto the platform…

Here is a sometimes overlooked reality:  All transitions have an element of risk. 

Recognizing this makes understanding our emotional responses much easier to comprehend.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE LIFE TRANSITIONS YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH.

(This might include birthdays, changing grades in school, moving, losing friends, break-ups, marriages, births and deaths).

Were the transitions smooth or bumpy?

Did you feel:  angry, sad, scared, excited?

All of the above?

Did you work through and accept what you were feeling?

Did you criticize yourself?

Did you take your emotions out on others?

Did anyone help you?

Now think about the people around you.

What do you see about how they move through life changes?