FIRST HOLIDAY QUIZ

Remember:  the goal is to take care of yourself…you can't control others but you can try different strategies…

Your goal:  A for effort!

How did you do? 

1)  Did you try something - anything - new?

2)  Did it work to create the type of holiday you wanted?

3)  If not, did anything positive come out of it?

4)  What was it?  What's your take away?

5)  Did you get new understanding of the people involved?

6)  Did you get new appreciation for past challenges? 

What do ya say?

How did you score on this first Holiday Emotional IQ test?  

If you answered 'yes' to numbers 1, 3 and 5 and 6 you got your 'A'!

If not - well - we've got another test coming in December…

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - RECIPES FOR SUCCESS

Each holiday season therapy offices are loaded with extra sessions… Why?

Holidays, which we extol as times for the best we have, can actually be breeding grounds for the worst of family and friend dynamics.

We gather around a table and bring with us all our dreams, expectations, losses and resentments.

Unless we actively pay attention to what we bring to the table, this can be a recipe for pain and suffering.

The challenge is to re-structure expectations - releasing the past and opening to something - NOW!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

  An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CREATING A PARADIGM THAT WORKS…

1)  Take one pinch of the best and tastiest of your old holiday traditions with family and friends…

2)  Eliminate all those nasty moments - yes, we've all had them, and we all have the power to eliminate them this time!

3)  Think about this moment in your life and empower yourself to add a pinch of new ingredients that are 'today' relevant!

WE WON'T BE HERE TOMORROW BUT THERE WILL BE A HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE TEST FRIDAY!

(REMEMBER DREADING THOSE WORDS?)

GOBBLE GOBBLE

We can all kvetch*.

   

                                   Human nature…

Habit…

The desire to share pain and suffering with others…

The desire to inflict pain and suffering on others…

I mean, let's be real, right?

But, isn't it amazing that we have a day dedicated to saying 'thanks'!

What do ya say?

How do you celebrate the day?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GwjfUFyY6M

(*intransitive verb: to complain habitually :  gripe  

 noun kvetch·er )

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MONKEYS?

Remember those three monkeys?

They are a great image to remind us of this seductive behavior - not seeing, hearing or verbalizing what's right there and obvious.

What makes it so tempting to pretend that this time it will be different - with everything the same?

Perhaps it is that very predictability of outcome that makes this fantasy truly addictive?

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Here's a story to think about and a question to answer:

"My dad," he insisted, "is a really great guy…"

Okay, he stole money, cheated on my mom, and got into trouble with the police… but poor guy has just had a run of bad luck…

He's really a sweetie - and he loves me!"

The subtext is:

If I pay attention to his behavior, see it, hear it, and acknowledge it… 
What then? 

Do I have to hate him?

Never talk to him again?

Disown him?

Or might there be another alternative? 

Is it possible to deal with reality and still care?

SEEING IS … BELIEVING?

"I just can't trust her!" he complained… again.

"She keeps doing the same rotten things again and again…"

Hmmm

So, what does trust actually mean?

If someone is so predictable can't you count on what they are predictably going to do?

What do ya say?

You might not like it, but, perhaps… maybe… you can trust that it's going to happen?

To comment, click below

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ALLOW ALLOW

How have we gotten stuck on thinking of perfection as an attainable and stationary position rather than a direction?

Going back to the early philosophers we get definitions of 'perfectio' that include attaining a state where 'nothing could be better' and something that has 'attained its purpose'.  

It's interesting to think that both of these positions describe an end state… 

We know that people who get hooked on the need for perfection tend to have more issues with depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. 

Remember that beautiful Beatles song:  'LET IT BE' ...

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

This one is really easy!

Think of your 'cracks' - you know, the things that others have criticized in you and that have been part of your own 'not good enough' list.

Now, make a list of these attributes - both physical and emotional.

Next make a list of the things that you've 'done wrong' in your life.

NOW IMAGINE THESE TWO LISTS ARE YOUR OWN PRECIOUS AND PERSONAL LIFE LEARNING MANUAL!

To comment click below

WHAT'S PERFECT?

An interesting quote from Leonard Cohan:

"We all have cracks…

That's what lets the light in…"

Imagine a mom smiling at her daughter's unruly hair instead of trying to fix it…

Or a dad grinning as his young son tries valiantly to pour a glass of juice and misses not only the glass, but also the table…

What do ya say?

Can you celebrate the cracks?

To comment, click below

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HINDSIGHT'S 20/20

Believing that we 'should have known' is a rather sophisticated form of inner bullying!   listening music for this post

Creating impossible standards is a specialty of our inner bullies… and listening to these harangues is a sure-fire guarantee for creating unhappiness with what we have today!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Interesting fact: you can't have reached 'here' wishing to be able to change 'there' without having gone through 'there' just as it was …

You get this, right?

Now, for the fun of it, imagine that you could time-trip back and forth…

Go ahead and re-do all those 'if only's' …

Yes, imagine that you could 'fix' the past…

What would you actually change?

See your current reality in the face of the changes you just 'made' to your past…

How does it look different?

How does it feel?

Zen Koan of the day:  Imagine that the changes you made are real and that you are actually living the present reality that you want…

IF ONLY, REVISITED…

"If only I knew then…"

Uh huh…

He was talking about the girl who got away and how if he had the experience and skill set then, that he had now…

Why, it would be a totally different ballgame!

Sure.

And 'if wishes could wash dishes' … remember that one?

What do ya say?

Is this distorted, or what?

You do see that, right?

Click below to share your comment

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - IS IT HELPING?

Think about some of the things you don't do…

Is it because you are afraid of your own inner Bully?

If you say 'I don't do that because I'm not good at it' that's your Bully voice getting in the way…

Does it really matter if you're not good at it?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about some of those things that you avoid or quit doing because you believe that you can't do them 'good enough'.

What's on your list?

  Dancing?

  Trying to speak another language?

  Cooking?

  On-line dating?

  Telling jokes?

  Trying anything new?

Now ask yourself what your Bully voice does to stop you.

  Call you names?

  Tells you you're not good at it?

  Make faces at you?

Ludicrous?

Really give yourself a minute to think about this…

Other than that inner judge, what's stopping you?

To comment, click below…

THE BULLY TRACK

"I was walking on this really beautiful path - and well - I admit it - day dreaming… and the next thing I knew…YOW!  I tripped and ended up with a sprained ankle…"

"I can't believe I was so out of it!  That nasty sprained ankle served me right!"

"Yeah, well," her friend groaned, "at least you were someplace beautiful!  I didn't go anyplace but I whacked out my back doing nothing!  I just can't believe how clueless I can be!"

What do ya say?

Do you get this stuff?

Sound familiar?

Helpful?

to comment, click below

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STUCK TO…WHAT?

We create attachments to…

People

Places

Jobs

And most importantly beliefs!

These attachments make a kind of logical sense since they create predictability and make us feel connected - two experiences that most humans crave.

Even when what we can predict is negative, we often hold on with a tenacity that seems counter intuitive…

Because we believe we need these attachments when they are out-dated it takes courage to unhook!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT ARE YOU ATTACHED TO?

Make a list of the beliefs that you hold onto… which ones get in your way? 

Think about what keeps you holding on? 

What would it feel like to let the beliefs that are out-dated go?

Who are the people that you are holding onto past their time?

Do you need to let go of the people or just shift the relationships into something healthier for you?

NO! NO! I WON'T LET GO!

"I have such a hard time," he said, "giving up, or I guess letting go of people, even when it's clear the relationship is finished…"

"I really don't understand.  I don't think of myself as stubborn, but…"

Here's another one:

"I know my life should be easier… I mean," she moaned, "in all the books I read, and movies I see… "

You get where this is going, right?

It's about holding onto things that are past their 'pull by' date - better know as 'attachments'.

What do ya say?

How many out dated things are you holding onto?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - 'BE NICE!'

Pushing back when someone steps on your foot, metaphorical or literal, seems like a no-brainer, right?

How have we developed the idea that it's okay to tolerate the hit?

Remember hearing any of these:

'You're bigger than that!'

'Be nice!'

'They didn't mean it!'

'Don't be so intolerant and demanding!'

'No one will ever like you and you'll be ALL ALONE!'

Unfortunately, the well intentioned exhortations of parents and teachers tend to relay the message that people stomping on our emotional boundaries is both acceptable and normal.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

'MAKING NICE' IS TOXIC - TO YOU… AND BELITTLING TO THE RECEPIENT!

Consider: 

The bottom line is that you are allowing someone to cause you harm and giving them the message that their behavior is okay…

What does that say about your beliefs about them?

Do you do this with people you respect?

Is there perhaps some hidden contempt on your part?

Aren't you telling that person that you think they are incapable of acting decently?

To comment click below