SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SNEAKY, SNEAKY

Passive aggressive actors are seriously sneaky folk!  Think about it…

They get to hit and hide!  They act out their anger without consequences.  Who can tell what they are up to? 

Even if we are suspicious about their true intent, we don't want to be the meany who outs one of these poor pathetic souls, do we?

How do we learn this behavior in the first place?  

Is it really part of the human 'genome'?  

Or is it one of those learned behaviors that get passed down over time?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

ONCE AGAIN - AWARENESS IS KEY!

If you feel like someone is angry with you:

          But they are smiling…

          But they are not telling you they are angry…

          But they are doing things that cause you stress…  

Ask yourself what you could do if your assumption were true? 

Would you ask them if they were angry?  Would you tell them that their behavior seemed angry?  Would you do something to protect yourself?

And if you are the one acting passive aggressively:

Ask yourself what you might be angry about. 

Could you deal with this anger in a more direct way?  What is really emotionally healthy for you? 

Ask yourself how you learned this indirect way of dealing with anger? 

Observe those around you.  Can you recognize this behavior in others?  How does it make you feel?

WHAT IS? LURKING…

Late for dinner?

Say yes and mean no?

Return calls from the noisy street or underground?

Late payments?

Whining?

And that famous: 'Well, I tried…'

What do all these have in common?

If you guessed passive aggressive behavior you get a gold star…

If you're guilty of any of these you lose that star!

What do ya say?  Do you understand this stuff?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS!

Step #1 in dealing with bullies is recognizing their behavior for what it is - abusive and really unnecessary!

Sometimes we confuse ourselves by making excuses for the bully or thinking their manner is okay since they mean well…

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

RECOGNIZING BULLY BEHAVIOR

Check out their:

Voice - Harsh and loud?  Too quiet and whispered? Threatening?

Posture - Too close?  Rigid?  Looming?

Attitude - Dismissive?  Rude?  Curt?

Check out how you feel:

Belittled? Talked down to? Pushed?  Backed into a corner? Scolded?

No second guessing yourself!  

Remember that old saying:  'If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck…'

FOUL PLAY!

Sometimes they actually think they are being helpful…

You know, whacking you into compliance because, of course, they know better than you do!

Sometimes they're acting out their anger in a way they learned by example…

And sometimes they are just plain mean!

What do ya say?

You're not guilty of this, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING IT?

Why do we berate ourselves after something goes wrong?

Really, if you think about it, this behavior is totally counterintuitive.  You're already hurting and so…you pile on?

Obviously, this is learned behavior. 

Remember those childhood 'How could you's'?  And how about that 'This is for your own good'?

We inhale these words without understanding the long term impact, and years later use them on ourselves!

Anger is a natural human emotion - turning it inward is not!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CHECK IT OUT!

The next time you feel down try this:

1)  Ask yourself if something specific happened that you're upset about?

2)  Objectively describe what actually happened.

3)  How did you feel?

4)  Did you let yourself feel angry?

5)  How did you deal with your anger? 

AFTER THE FACT…

'What is wrong with me?'

'I should have known better!'

'How could I let that happen?'

'I didn't say 'NO!' loud enough!'

'I knew it was wrong but…'

These are the words of our Inner Bullys.

Whatever went wrong in the first place was bad enough but these self defeating mantras are always the final straw.

What do ya say?

Sound at all familiar?

Think it helps?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MAKING BELIEVE?

Somehow we get fed a bunch of distortions about the nature of humans and human families is particular.

Happy People

Happy Families

Happy endings

Nice stories but they have a tendency to blind us to reality and set us up for so much disappointment and 'reality crashes'!

When we buy into these stories it's like wearing blinders to what is actually in front of us…until the moment we fall into that rabbit hole and have no choice!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

REALITY -WHAT A CONCEPT!

Repeat after me:
Humans are not perfect - and that's reality!

Most of us have been strongly impacted by our history - and that's reality!

If we believe in the 'should' of perfection we often miss what is actually going on around us - AND THAT IS REALITY!

CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

"Sometimes," she shook her head and sighed, "I feel like Alice with my eyes bugging out, thinking 'Whoa!' did I just drop into that rabbit hole…" https://www.cs.cmu.edu/~rgs/alice-II.html

"I know people say that whole story was a drug trip but," she continued, shaking her head, "to me it feels more like shock therapy!"

"I mean, "she exclaimed," are these people for real?"

(P.S. She was talking about her family?)

What do ya say?

Ever feel that way?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - RE-CONNECTING

Athletes get it.

Students usually get it.

If you have a desired goal you have to stay focused not just on that end result but more critically on each step along the way.

Here's a super clear example:  Want to lose 10 pounds?

Are you focusing on that end goal or on the food in your hand aiming towards your mouth?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

4  STEPS TO MAINTAIN THE CONNECTION:

1) Visualize your goal, what you need to do to get there and why you want it.

2) Ask yourself: Is what I am doing right now helping me achieve my goal?

3) Remind yourself why you want to achieve this goal.

4) Push 'refresh' on your internal computer and take yourself back to step1.

CONSEQUENCES AND CONNECTIONS

It's not about bullying…

Not about scolding…

But

We often don't stay connected to the actions necessary to reach our stated goals.

We often seem to dis-connect the chain between what we're doing now and what we want then!

What do ya say?

Can you get this?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MANAGING THE UPSHOT!

How do we deal with the lack of rewards - or at least the rewards we expected - when we try our hardest to make things happen?

How can we avoid feeling angry and depressed when we work so hard and don't feel the ends justify the effort?

Some place along the line, home? school? we got sold a bill of goods about what the rewards should be…

Ever hear of managing your expectations?

It doesn't really mean expecting less… it really means expecting different!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THREE HEALTHY SHIFTS

1)  Be realistic and manage your expectations and goals!

2)  Watch out for the lurking bullies - internal and external!

3)  Be your own best friend - focus on self encouragement, and appreciation!

ENERGY IN EQUALS…WHAT?

"So isn't there some sort of formula that says 'energy in = commensurate results?' she demanded. 

"Lies!"

"And how about the one that says 'you reap what you sow'?"she continued.

"More lies!"  She was almost growling at this point…

"I mean," she continued," I have been working so hard on all my stuff - health, work, relationships - and what do I have?"

 What do ya say?

How do deal when your input and out put don't balance?

PANNING FOR GOLD

Way back in the 1800's they struck gold in California.

The stories are pretty amazing. read more

The lore of that shiny metal was incredible.  Despite hardship and many disappointments people continued to strive for the jackpot…

So how does this apply to us and our striving to evolve and hit those emotional prizes?

In a similar vein (sorry!) we can look at our lives as an exploration, a search for emotional gold (well being, self acceptance, forward momentum). 

We can remind ourselves that the process can be challenging, we will most likely run into snags, hit walls and feel that we are losing ground…

What do ya say?

How do you keep the momentum going despite the blunders, missteps and falls?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STUCK?

Obsessing is like a needle stuck on an old fashioned record player…

Imagine that sound.  That is the sound of obsessing…

It's like poking a sore tooth…

Imagine that sensation.  That is the feeling of obsessing…

It's like one step forward, one step back, repeat and repeat…

That is the kinesthetic rhythm of obsessing…

Although we sometimes confuse them, obsessing is very different from focusing and fixing!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

FORWARD MOMENTUM IS THE KEY TO 'FIXING' PROBLEMS… EVEN IF IT'S MEASURED IN INCHES!

Try this:  Think about a situation where you feel stuck. 

Describe it to yourself.  Who are the players?  What do they look like?  How do they sound?  This is the old, maybe original, story…

Now, change it.  Remember this is an experiment.  Your goal is to create momentum in your story…

To do this use your creativity and imagination.  This is meant as an interesting and fun experiment.  

If it does not feel comfortable to you:  Stop now. 

You can imagine changing the time period, the clothes, the sound of the voices, the size of the 'actors'. 

What you are doing is shaking up the stuck place so that your wonderful mind can move on and heal the problem! 

Try it and see what happens.