SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DANCING WITH CRITICISM

As children we learn to respond defensively to criticism.  We are small and the person criticizing us is usually big!

As an adult it is important to drop the defensive, victim mask and acknowledge whatever is going on.

Maybe you did do something imperfect?

Or, maybe the other guy is a bully?  You're not perfect… and unfortunately, neither are they!

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

IMMUNIZE YOURSELF FROM THE 'CRITICISM PLAGUE' IN 8 SIMPLE STEPS

1)  Make a list of your flaws.  No judgment - just observation!

2)  Study the list.  Are any of the items truly toxic? 

     (i.e. things that cause true suffering.)

3)  Remove toxic items by changing behavior - yes, you can do this! 

4)  Study the remaining items.

5)  Now go through the list and say, "I am ______(insert item) and it is ok."

6)  Repeat above exercise until the items no longer have any charge…

7)  Now imagine someone else accusing you of one of the now 'chargeless' items.

8)  Imagine smiling at them and saying:  "Yes, you are right!  I am!"

CHECK IT OUT!  IT MIGHT SOUND SILLY BUT IT WORKS - AND LIFE GETS WAY EASIER - AND MORE REAL!

HOW COULD YOU!?

"How could you?!"

"What's wrong with you?!"

Ever hear these imprecations?  Usually originally out of the mouths of mothers or fathers, right?

And later?  

Well, there seems to be an echo over those corridors of time, as we hear those same words - or something pretty close - coming out of the mouths of players in our current reality…

And the answer to those horror stricken faces behind the question?

"Hey, I'm human!  So, I'm not perfect.  So what!"

What do ya say?

How do you respond?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HEALTHY ANGER 102

Once upon a time, in a wonderful small classroom for 9 year olds, a smart girl named Cindy got angry at a classmate named Danny.

Cindy was certainly within her rights to be annoyed, since her classmate could indeed be incredibly exasperating. 

Cindy knew the rules - no hitting anyone, no screaming at others …

So what to do?

Cindy intuitively knew to use her imagination to release the tension connected to anger… she took Danny's jacket, spread it out on her desk, and gave it a good 'what for'! 

Once she had released the intensity of her anger she was able to talk to Danny and tell him what she didn't like.

Is this an 'out of the mouths of babes' story, or what?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

WORKING WITH ANGER

Anger has a spectrum - it goes all the way from minor frustration and annoyance to the intensity of rage.

1)  Make a list of as many words as you can think of that might be related to anger. 

The goal with this step is to make yourself aware of what you are feeling.     

2)  Give yourself permission to feel your anger. 

3)  Find a healthy release.  You can use your creativity with imagination, fantasy, and images.  You can also do something physical like stomping, running, and yelling in a safe place.  (Not at others…)

4)  Finally, do something to fix the situation to the best of your ability… change your position or ask the other person to change theirs!

  

HEALTHY ANGER

"I don't want to be angry anymore," she stated categorically. 

"It's been my default position forever and that's it!  I'm done with it!"

"NO MORE ANGER!"

Oh oh…

Did that sound logical to you?

I hope you answered with a resounding "No!"

Anger as a default?

Really not good, but jumping from that distorted position to another one?

Yikes!

 

What do ya say?

Can you see the value of healthy anger?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DEALING WITH REALITY

In an odd way, the attitude of seeing things as better than what they are is actually selfish!

How so?

Well, it's really about how you want things to be, and not about how they actually are. 

People often think of themselves as being virtuous when they look at the world through rose colored glasses, but in a rather indirect way, when we do this we are actually giving out a strong 'you're not okay' message to the person we are dealing with!

It's fine to wish someone were different but pretending in these situations is always risky.

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

REALITY TRAINING IN 3 EASY STEPS!

1)  Create your perfect fantasy about a person, place, job…

          Now exaggerate the situation making everything even more perfect! 

          How does this feel?  Are you laughing?

2)  Now take that same situation and make it as imperfect and negative as   possible.   

          How does this feel?

3)  And finally…tell yourself what the reality of this situation or person is.

          Can you take it? 

TELL IT LIKE IT IS…

"I like to see the world in a positive light, "she chirped, glowing with the light of righteousness, "and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt…"

Nice idea, right?

However, if you don't see things and people clearly you will end up getting jammed when they act in accordance with who they really are…

 

And then of course, you will be enraged and…

Over-react with either inappropriate rage or passive aggressive anger.

What do ya say?

Ever been down this road?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MOODY MUCH?

The expectation that others 'should' tip toe around our moods sets up truly unrealistic expectations…and a formula for unhappiness.

How did we get here?

Ever hear this one:  "Daddy's in a bad mood be very quiet!"

Or

"Mom had a hard day, you need to be good!"

The clear message is that one person's mood should dictate others behavior and that other people have an obligation to tip toe around you if your mood is 'bad'…

An interesting concept - the person causing the stress is not expected to fix their behavior but others have to adjust theirs…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

IF YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD… THERE ARE REASONS!

Play detective and ask yourself:

1)  What am I actually feeling?

 2)  What happened to make me feel this way?

3)  Bad moods usually indicate anger.  It's okay to feel - just not to take it out on someone else…

SO

4)  Do something to release that anger IN AN APPROPRIATE WAY!

5)  And finally, give yourself a break - breathe deeply, relax and take some time out!

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DANGER - BAD MOOD!

"Hey," he warned stomping into the room, "I'm in a bad mood!"

So?

I mean, really, what do people think that means?

Something like:  "I'm going to bite your head off but it's ok…"

Or

"Watch out, be on your best behavior, or else!"

I mean really…

He's in a bad mood … So what!

This is not a game of 'cooties pass it on', is it?

What do ya say?

Do you think a 'bad mood' should give people a pass?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DANCE

So, what actually is passive aggressive behavior?

Quite simply, it's anger in disguise.

In our culture we are taught in many ways that expressing anger is not acceptable… but as humans it is clearly a feeling - and an experience - that we have.

Not only do we experience anger, but we plainly need a way of externalizing the feeling.  Perhaps the original human coding to react to anger inducing events comes, as many things seem to, from our prehistoric survival instincts.

Whatever the reasons, humans appear to need to react to things that make us angry, and given the restrictions on expressing anger directly, we have come up with 'creative' alternatives… enter passive aggressive behavior - the ultimate way of indirectly conveying anger!

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE Q&A

*Ever say 'yes' with a smile and then clearly act 'no'? 

*Ever say 'I'll be there at a certain time', knowing that there is no way?

*Often late?

*How about these phrases:  'Only joking…', 'I tried…', 'Oops!', 'It's not fair…'

What is it?

Passive aggressive behavior is an indirect way of expressing anger.

How do we learn it?

We are taught that anger isn't 'nice' but we still experience it and cleverly have found a way to hide our attack.

Will it harm me to use?

The harm in acting passive aggressively is that we often do it so well that we disguise our anger even from ourselves and then are handicapped by not knowing what is going on with us and often not understanding the reactions we are getting from others.

Is it ever useful?

If we can tune into our passive aggressive behavior it gives us a pretty strong indicator that we are actually angry.  With this awareness we can often fix the situation and resolve what is making us angry.

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SIDEWAYS SWIPES…

Ever get called passive aggressive?

Ever use it to describe someone else?

We use this expression a lot in our culture…

But what does it really mean?

And is it always bad?

What do ya say?

What's your take on this one?

Tune in tomorrow for …  Passive Aggressive Q&A

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STRESS 102

We have the ability to 'crank up' our performance when we perceive danger and go on hyper-alert with all the physiological reactions that come with this...

This is a natural reaction to danger. . .

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/stress-symptoms-causes-and-effects.htm

However…

Biting your nails?  Smoking?  Overeating?  Under eating? 

Feel like you are constantly on the verge of tears… or ready to bite the head off of anyone who looks at you cross-wise?

These are obvious signs of too much stress and a warning that something is off in your solar system…

There are external stressors and internal ones.  Sometimes we can modify the external ones - changing our schedules, saying 'no' to another task, rethinking a work or personal decision…

Internal stressors are the pressures we put on ourselves to perform to a certain, often overly exigent, standard. 

With awareness and focus we can always modify our internal stressors!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

BAD STRESS? 

TAKE 3 SIMPLE STEPS TO LOWER THE LOAD …

1)  Check life-style issues  

Ask yourself a few simple questions:

Is your schedule humane?  Pushing yourself past the point of no return?  Could you drop a few activities in order to breathe more deeply?

2)  Tune into Bullies - inner and outer  

Again, ask yourself a few simple questions:

Is someone in your life putting too much pressure on you?  What do they gain by pressuring you?  What do you gain by giving in to the pressure?  Is it worth it to you?

And finally, tune into your own inner Bully.  What are the demands you are putting on yourself?  Can you hear that internal voice scolding?  Maybe it's time to talk back and tell the guy with the whip to back off!

3)  Explore stress lowering modalities 

Self hypnosis, deep relaxation, meditation, yoga, even simple deep breathing will all help induce a sense of well deserved calm!

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MAKE IT GO AWAY, OK?

"So listen," she was looking at me imploringly, eyes wide, body leaning forward. 

"What I really need," she continued, "is for you to hypnotize me and make all this stress go away, okay?" 

And of course, it would be wonderful if we could use that magic wand of hypnosis and make it all better…

But…

Stress serves a function - not always a healthy one, or one that we are necessarily aware of - but there's a reason it's there…

And it's important to pay attention to the message it is giving you…

Can you to lower it?  Sure.

Can hypnosis help?  Sure again.

But to really do yourself a service, it's crucial to look at what is creating your stress and do something about the causes!

What do ya say?

Want to learn more?

Tune in tomorrow!