OBSESS MUCH?

"I keep going over it," she said, "again and again.  You know, I'm trying to figure it out, see if I can…well...fix it?"

Definition of Obsession:  'An idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind."

"But is it really bad?" she asked me.

"I mean, if I don't think about it, how can I make sure it doesn't happen again?"

What do ya say?

Ever get caught in this one?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - IS IT REAL?

For the most part we are pretty good at picking up evidence that something is going on in our environment…

We often do notice the alterations in the behavior of those around us that signify emotional shifts.  After all, our species would not have survived as well without recognizing these clues that often signified danger.

However, interpretation of these clues is another matter all together!

While perception is usually a sensory reaction, interpretation of what we identify is mostly taught.  We learn what these clues mean - and often our learning - based in part on our past experiences - is faulty!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

REALITY CHECK

Think about some recent instances when you felt that something was off…

Did you accept your perception as real or did you question yourself?

If you thought you were correct about your perception, how did you interpret (i.e. explain) what you were picking up?

Did you wonder whether their behavior might have nothing to do with you?

Did you check out your interpretation?

If you re-think things now what other interpretations might there have been?

THEY DON'T LIKE ME…

"I feel like people are judging me all the time," he moaned,"and it's never complimentary!"

And then he proceeded to give me a list of all the instances he could think of that proved what he was saying was true.

He was picking up on things…

But…

His interpretation of these 'clues' was always the same - negative.

What do ya say?

Do you understand the difference between perception and interpretation?   

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - IS IT ALL RANDOM, OR WHAT?

Does it really matter?

Maybe a good strategy is to do our best and then deal with whatever consequences show up?

Maybe the path is about learning.  Maybe as we deal we just keep getting better and stronger - evolving and in that process healing ourselves and our world.

Sound too touchy feely?

Think about it…

What's the alternative?

DANCE WITH IT!  EXPERIENTIAL APPS                      An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

TAKE A MINUTE TO FOCUS ON SOME OF THE 'CHALLENGING' THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU THIS PAST YEAR.

Make a list.  How did you react?  

Did you judge yourself and others?

Now try re-thinking those events without the negative judgments…

SO, WHERE IS IT?

"So," he demanded, and yes, it was an emphatic demand.

"If I give up believing that if I follow all those rules I grew up with everything will come my way…"

"THEN WHAT!?"

It's a good question, right?  

We grow up being told that if we're good, good things will inevitably happen to us…

If we follow all the rules, we will be rewarded…

THERE IS A POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THAT RAINBOW…

Isn't there?

What do ya say?

Can you figure this one out?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - FUZZY THINKING

'The world is linear' you say…

It is not!

'Equations work in human interactions' you say…

They do not!

'Your behavior has to do with me' you say…

It does not!

Do you see the direction here?

Somehow - actually for a lot of reasons - we learn a twisted logic to explain how the world of human connections works.

Why do we continue to push these beliefs when they clearly don't work and cause us suffering?

Maybe because we wish they worked?

Maybe the desire to have complete control over our lives and the behavior of others is so strong that we have a difficult time giving up these illusions even when they so clearly lead us down dark and painful paths!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

MAKE A LIST OF YOUR OWN EQUATIONS…

These are the 'If I do x, then y will inevitably occur' beliefs.

How often have these beliefs panned out?

What will it take for you to let them go?

FAIR, SCHMERE…

"IT'S NOT FAIR!"  "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Ever say this one?

No?

Liar, liar, pants on fire! If you're human, you've said it!

where did this come from

Ever think about how crazy this is?

Ever wonder who decides?

What do ya say?

Who taught you this one?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - TIKKUN OLAM

Nothing says it as beautifully as this:

When we reach out and help others - and when we accept help - we are participants in the process of healing the world.

Could anything be more important, more sacred, than this?

read more

EXCUSE ME…CAN I HELP YOU?

The man obviously needed help.

He was handicapped, in pain and depressed.

"My niece offered to come and help me," he said.

"Oh, that's great!" I replied.  "When is she coming?"

"She's not!" he replied emphatically.

"I told her not to come.  I really don't like asking people for help!"

Yikes!  A really painful example of our distorted belief in the high value of self sufficiency!

So, I told him a story…

(to the tune of...)

It was winter and I was crossing the heavily snow laden street very cautiously. 

An elderly gentleman approached me.

"May I help you across?" he asked, offering me his arm.

After we safely reached the other side of the street his face lit up as he wished me a good day.

What do ya say?

Which of us do you think benefited most?

TIME AFTER TIME

What do Agatha Christie's Miss Marple, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mORF8w1oYg an FBI profiler, and a fortune teller have in common?

Magic?  Intuition?  Forensic clues…

Maybe all of the above, but if you guessed pattern recognition, you're on the right page.

The fictional and elderly Miss Marple astounded people by always sussing out the perp.

When asked how she did it, her answer was always the same.

"Well" she would respond, "they reminded me of (so and so).'

You see, she recognized the pattern of behavior.

What do ya say?

You get what this has to do with us mere mortals and our daily lives, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL…

Wouldn't it be wonderful if along with the three R's we also taught 'Human Interaction' in our schools?

Imagine if, from the first day of school, you learned how to communicate in the optimal way with other humans, how to deal with feelings - yours and those of parents, teachers and peers?

Imagine learning about anger and sadness and depression and…

Can you imagine how much easier life would be if 'Life Skills' was part of our ongoing curriculum?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

IMAGINE IT AND TRY IT ON!

There has been lots of interesting work with the human brain and re-learning, so as a really fascinating mental exercise try this imaginary game:

Imagine that all the schools you attended from day 1 actually did have a program dedicated to teaching children life skills…

Develop your idea of a model program.

What would it include?

Now imagine that you get the benefit of this program…

Walk yourself through it - the more detail you go into with this the more current impact you might be able to create…

Think back through your life.  What are some of the experiences that might have felt different with this upgraded skill set?

What happens as you move through this adventure? 

MISSING LINKS?

We used to call man 'the toolmaker'.  

It was a big part of what made our prehistoric ancestors unique, right?

Until we found out that our cousins the chimpanzees also used tools - thank you Jane Goodall!   read more!

What actually, are tools?

Hammers, screwdrivers, drills… all those things that make our efforts easier - that enable us to upgrade our performance…

Isn't it interesting, then, that in some of our most important endeavors - relationships with other humans - our arsenal of tools has been so limited?

And that we assume that we don't need an upgrade?

What do ya say?  

What relationship tools do you reach for?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - FROZEN?

Scientists have long spoken about the human fight or flight response in reaction to danger.

Then they started exploring the neurological connections that created a third reaction to danger - the freeze response.

Maybe, they theorized, it had to do with hiding from those gigantic predators …

We also seem to have a tendency to freeze when our brain has difficulty processing clashing expectations. 

Think about trying to move in two opposite directions at once…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT SOME SITUATIONS WHERE YOU FROZE…

These are times you might have described yourself as 'gob smacked' or used words like 'huh?' or 'what?'…

Maybe you felt your jaw drop or found yourself staring wide eyed at whatever happened? 

The most important thing to realize is that this is a reaction to an energy clash. In these situations our expectations don't fit reality. 

The freeze actually allows us to catch our breath and regroup!

BRAIN FREEZE!

Ever notice what happens when you are expecting something nice and something totally different occurs?

Seems like you should be reacting at warp speed to rectify the situation but…

It's as if you crash into a wall and everything stops.

BRAIN FREEZE!

Did you know that this is not unusual?

And that it actually makes sense?

What do ya say?

You've experienced this, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STRAIGHT LINES

Sometimes, we seem to get addicted to straight lines, you know, A to B to C…

We often hear people say, "But, I did X and therefore I should get Y!"

This can actually be an emotionally dangerous way of thinking. 

If we get stuck believing in this rational we can end up feeling frustrated and cheated and badly treated by life.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                          

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about some of the 'straight line' fables you've bought into…

List all your 'if I do X I should be rewarded by Y' and the 'if I act this way, the world should treat me this way' beliefs.

Now think about whether your belief was borne out by reality.

How often did it prove to be true?

How did you feel when it wasn't true?

What do you think would happen if you drop this belief?

Might life be easier?  Less stressful?

DETOUR

As we neared the bridge into the city the traffic suddenly came to a stand still.  

"Yikes!" I said, "That's impossible!"

"Naah," the driver responded.

"There's always a way…"   check it out!

He thought for a moment, made a sharp right onto some side streets and squiggled us into the city, traffic free. 

When he dropped me off he smiled and said:

"You know, that was about life.  Many times you think you're stuck but if you think about it you can find a way!"

What do ya say?  You believe this, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BE NICE!

In the course of growing up we are constantly exhorted to go against our natural inclination to push back when we get slammed...

"Be nice!" we are told.

"Turn the other cheek!"

"Don't fight!  It's not nice!"

Interesting, right?

Wouldn't it make more sense to learn that the desire to hit back is actually healthy and normal - and then to learn a way to do it that isn't destructive?

Let's be real.  

If someone does something mean to us we have a reaction - and it's not to smile! 

Turning that energy in on ourselves or a third party is not productive!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PUSH BACK 101

1)  Recognize that negative energy coming at us creates a reaction.

2)  Accept that when someone is not nice to you it's okay to be angry.

3)  Give yourself permission to push back.                             4)  Find your own voice.  We all can develop an M.O. that is authentic to us.