SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MAP IT!

Strategic thinking is not manipulative - or maybe manipulation is okay?

The holiday season is a perfect time to practice the fine art of strategic thinking…

It's a time we are mandated to 'enjoy', but often put all our planning into only the peripherals like food and location.

Why peripherals?

Because the reality of this time of year is groups of people coming together - or feeling like they should…

And often those groups are family which automatically ups the stress levels. 

What do you think would happen if we allowed ourselves to strategize about the dynamics of these groups - and how to maximize the good energy?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                          

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Some words to think about as you plan the holidays:

Intentional

Tactical

Calculated

Premeditated

Considered

Sound strange in this context? 

In reality looking at holiday planning from this perspective is actually kind!

CRASH! BANG!

Ever notice how other animals seem to work out 'plans' to share their turf?

For instance:

'Research shows that birds never have head on collisions while flying because they always veer to the right.'www.wisegeek.com

What do ya say?

Do you have an anti-collision strategy?

A DAY OF THANKSGIVING?

CAN YOU COME UP WITH 5 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN THANKFUL FOR THIS YEAR?

What do ya say?

Care to share?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - STRETCH IT OUT!

We've all heard that old tongue in cheek definition of 'crazy'…

You know, doing the same thing again and again and anticipating different results.

Crazy?  Maybe…

Certainly painful, frustrating and a perfect formula for feeling like a victim!

Someone once said we all need to see at least three options when tackling a problem.  

If we get stuck with only two choices we can find ourselves in an either/or dilemma, but that third possibility creates the mental stretch we need to feel empowered!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about your last challenging situation with another person.

How did you deal with it?

Were you satisfied with the results?

One way to evaluate the end product, is to think about how you felt when it was all over. 

DUCK AND WEAVE

You know that expression:  'Think outside the box'?

Well, another variation on that theme is: Instead of bashing your head into the proverbial brick wall - again - do an end-run!

What's an end-run in the context of dealing with difficult human situations?

Does it mean being devious?  Sneaky?

Or are we talking about the human need to be effective and not feel like a victim?

What do ya say?

When's the last time you tried an end-run?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - YOUR POSSE?

The word 'posse' is big in the news right now. 

With all the up and down connotations it really is an interesting expression.

Once upon a time, it was a label for the sheriffs in the old west… you remember that from all those western movies, right?

But if we take it at its best meaning it would be a bunch of friends who really have your back … something incredibly important in today's world!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT YOUR GANG

Who are the people in your life? 

How many people do you think of as part of your support system?

Thinking about what brings people together, do you imagine you are similar to the people you are close to, or different?

Do you think you chose wisely?

 Do you feel supported by these people?

 Do you support them?

OPPOSITES ATTRACT - NOT!

Ever wonder about what attracts you to some people and repels you from others?

Ever wonder why some friendships start with a bang and then crash and burn?

Wouldn't it be nice if there was a formula?

You know, something that could guarantee a good and lasting match?

Well…

It might be possible.

A recent study has found that we tend to have more DNA in common with our close friends than with random strangers.  http://time.com/2982660/study-friends-dna/

Hmmm…

Do you think we start out that way or could it be that other theory about us exchanging atoms with people we spend a lot of time with?

What do ya say?

Think this one might be useful?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SO WHO WAS POLLYANNA?

The name comes from a 1913 children's book by Eleanor H. Porter, about a little girl who had a very optimistic outlook…

Nothing wrong with that, right?

BUT…

When this behavior goes too far we have the 'Pollyanna Syndrome'.  This refers to unrealistic optimism.  People with this condition whitewash difficult situations and create an alternative reality where everything is just fine...

Obviously when we refuse to see problems we are not able to deal with them and make the world more dangerous for ourselves and those around us.

Part of the reason others often get angry with these Pollyanna Syndrome folks is that they sometimes present their behavior as if their attitude were superior!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT THE IMAGE OF AN OSTRICH WITH ITS HEAD IN THE SAND…      

AND TO ADD THAT POLLYANNA FLAVOR, IMAGINE IT'S EXPOSED PARTS DOING A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE…

How often do you play ostrich?

What types of situations bring out the ostrich/Pollyanna in you?

When you think about times you have done this, what was the outcome?

POLLY WHO?

"My sister is impossible!" she groaned as she stomped into the room.

"No matter what happens, she sees the bright side."

Shaking her head she continued…

"We could be in the middle of an earthquake and she'd start grinning and singing that stupid song!" 

"You know…"

'I feel the earth move…' check it out

"She sugarcoats everything!"

"You know all those hinky expressions," she continued.

'Make lemonade out of lemons'

'Find the silver lining'

"Yuk!  That's my sister!"

"Don't you just want to throttle those people who always look at the world like this?" she asked imploringly.

What do ya say?

Where do you stand on this one?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - GET REAL!

"Why can't they just…"

One of the most powerful steps in our personal evolution is when we can answer that question with:

"I get it! They can't because that's not who they are!"

Whether I spend time with them or not is a choice I make … BUT…

It has to be based on who they really are, not who I want them to be!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

What happens when you take a moment to look at your significant relationships?

Check it out:  Parents?  Children?  Friends?  Partners? 

How realistically do you look at these people?

Do you actually like them or just your fantasy of who they should be?

Do you keep trying to change them into who you want them to be or can you allow yourself to enjoy the reality?

Do you get angry at them when they don't 'perform' to your guidelines?

Do you think that their performance has something to do with how they feel about you - instead of who THEY are?

REALITY CHECK

'You can't get blood from a stone!'

Do we really need to be told that this is an unrealistic expectation?

Yup!

Think about it…

How many times have you wanted something - and truly thought you could get it - from someone totally incapable of giving it to you?

What do ya say?

Are you hooked on this?

Not you, right?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MOAN & GROAN…

We really are a nation of kvetchers… not only is it part of many immigrant traditions - Irish, Italian, Jewish - to name a few, but we have also legitimized it in the form of 'venting'!

We have bought into the belief that this release of negativity is good for us … and those we dump it on!

Difficult things happen and we need to find ways of dealing with them... but in order not to burn out and get depressed or depress those around us we need to find balance!  With balance we stay effective and able to confront difficult situations!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

FOR EVERY NEGATIVE…

Here's an experiment to try:

For every negative you feel or say, balance it with a positive. 

It might take some getting used to - and stretching. 

You can use the formula:

I resent…

I appreciate...

Not only is this a gift to those around you, but it also creates balance in your own life and a release from that ever present Victim position.

Try it!  You might really like it!

 

AWWW….

'Many people associate the smell of freshly cut grass with carefree summer days… 

But Scientists have recently studied the phenomenon and discovered that the pleasing odor …is actually the result of chemicals released by the grass to indicate distress.' 

http://www.wisegeek.com/why-does-freshly-cut-grass-smell-good.htm?m)

I know there's an important message here, but I am not exactly sure what it is?

'Eat or be eaten?'  No, it can't be that!

'Life is hard by the yard…'  Nope, not that either!

'One suffering is another's pleasure'.  Definitely NOT!

'Gather your sunbeams where you may…'   Ugh!

Could it possibly be something about counting your blessings, including the smell of freshly cut grass!

Do you know some Native Americans would say a thank you blessing to the animals they were about to kill… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR489bwOhcA

Did you know that counting blessings helps mitigates stress?
(Today is a great day to remember this!)

What do ya say?

Do you count those blessings?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LAZY?

When you stop to think about it, doesn't it seem logical that we would naturally know how much effort it should take to perform any given task in an optimal way?

Not too much exertion, not too little - just the right amount.

And again, logically, doesn't it seem that we would choose to do things in the most efficient manner?

What do you think gets in the way?

That concept of 'lazy' is a way too convenient catch- all …

And really, what does 'lazy' actually mean?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                      
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PUSH BACK 101

So, here's a clue to how we end up in this counter-intuitive, not taking care of the task at hand, situation:

Remember all those scoldings in your growing up years?

          'Clean your room!'

          'Put that away!'

          'Hurry up!'

          'Shut the refrigerator!'

          'Turn off the light!'

          'Do your homework now!'

Pretty annoying at the time, right?  How did you deal with this type of parental 'noise'?

          Did you behave?

          Rebel?

          Push back in some way?

The interesting thing is that we seem to continue this push/pull between that internalized parental bullying and the part of us that really doesn't want to hear it…

We had then, and have now, several different default modes of response.  

There's the 'Rebel' response:

          "No I won't!"

The Victim response:

          "I can't!"

And the internalized Bully response:

          "It will never be good enough!"

All of these get in the way of finding balance…

  

PREP WORK

Today I went to a meeting.  What an annoying jumble! 

The room had to be changed twice before we even got started and by the time the meeting began the presenter had lost lots of credibility - and had a tougher than planned audience!

Carpenters recite the motto:  Measure twice, cut once.

Obviously in their line of work it's a no-brainer…

And for the rest of us?

How much prep work do we need to do?

On the one hand we could be labeled compulsive… and on the other hand, sloppy and poorly prepared.

What do ya say?  How do you find that balance?

SERIUSLY SPEAKING - IF THEY REALLY CARED…

Do you beat around the bush when you are asking for something?

Think it's polite to waffle?

Hint about what you want and suffer disappointment when you don't get it?

Some of this communication distortion seems to be gender related.  Boys are supposed to talk one way, girls another.  

We'd like to think this is no longer true but we need to deal with reality. 

Do you think a man running for President would have been called "such a nasty man" by his opponent? 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/20/trumps-such-a-nasty-woman-comment-has-sparked-something/

Perhaps another influence comes all the way from those Victorian times when chair legs wore skirts to hide their true nature - you know - legs!

Whatever the source of our vague language when we communicate our needs, it is usually a guaranteed path to confusion and not getting what we want!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

ASKING FOR IT!

How do you feel when you need to ask someone for support or help?

When you need to ask them to change their behavior?

To do you a favor?

Now reverse it:

How do you feel when someone asks you for support or help?

When they ask you to change your behavior?

When they ask you to do them a favor?

What feelings come up for you?

Do you fear or anticipate rejection?  Disapproval?  Criticism?  Judgment? 

Do you feel put on the spot?

Think you have to reciprocate?

What's the worse thing that could happen if you are direct?

(Remember direct does not mean rude - just straightforward and clear!)

How do you compare that worse case scenario to what you feel when you obfuscate what you need - and don't get it?