SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BE NICE!

In the course of growing up we are constantly exhorted to go against our natural inclination to push back when we get slammed...

"Be nice!" we are told.

"Turn the other cheek!"

"Don't fight!  It's not nice!"

Interesting, right?

Wouldn't it make more sense to learn that the desire to hit back is actually healthy and normal - and then to learn a way to do it that isn't destructive?

Let's be real.  

If someone does something mean to us we have a reaction - and it's not to smile! 

Turning that energy in on ourselves or a third party is not productive!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PUSH BACK 101

1)  Recognize that negative energy coming at us creates a reaction.

2)  Accept that when someone is not nice to you it's okay to be angry.

3)  Give yourself permission to push back.                             4)  Find your own voice.  We all can develop an M.O. that is authentic to us.

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - KNEE JERK ALERT

Remember that expression 'knee-jerk reaction'?

When we create mandates - all those 'shoulds' - we often trigger that type of reaction.

There ae verbal triggers:  

you should, you have to, now, or else.

And non-verbal cues: time limits and drop dead dates.

We often unconsciously perceived all of these as unrealistic demands - and we respond with a resounding 'NO'!

Our 'no' can take two forms: we can rebel (it's not fair, you can't make me, don't push)

or

We can switch to our victim voice (I can't, it's too hard, I am suffering).

The interesting thing to realize is that both responses are attempts to push back what we are experiencing (realistic or not) as unhealthy demands.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think of the last time you were in this position: reacting in opposition to an internal or external demand.

Can you imagine hearing that demanding voice now?

Try exaggerating it.

Visualize the demanding presence.  Give it a face (mean?) a color (red?)

Now become that voice.

Really get into it…

Now switch to the responder.

First play this part as a Rebel - again exaggerate and really get into it.

Now respond as the poor Victim.

What happens as you play this out?

THE WEIGHT LOSS CHA CHA

"What's wrong with me?" she asked in a truly pathetic voice.

"Every time I tell myself I am going to lose weight," she continued, "I gain it!"

"The minute the thought of a diet crosses my mind I start to CRAVE food!"

"Am I perverted, or what?!"

What do ya say?

Ever happen to you?

Know why?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LEARNING TO PUSH BACK

It seems that most animal species learn to fight at a young age and evolve that skill into adult life based on necessity.

We humans need to be able to push back in ways that are appropriate to situations that we find ourselves in - not too hard or too soft but truly appropriate.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

HOW DID YOU LEARN?

What were the lessons you received growing up about fighting?

Were you taught to hit harder?

Or to turn the other cheek?

Imagine you could rewrite your childhood script…

What would you want to teach yourself?

ALL THE THINGS I NEVER SAID

I invited the new neighbors in for coffee.  Friendly gesture, right?

"Would you like espresso or cappuccino?" I asked.

"We are Italian," stated the wife with great emphasis.  "We would not dream of drinking cappuccino."

Oookaaay…

What do ya say?

Ever find yourself up late at night practicing all those comebacks and pushbacks…

You know, all the things you never said but wished you did?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LAZY?

When you stop to think about it, doesn't it seem logical that we would naturally know how much effort it should take to perform any given task in an optimal way?

Not too much exertion, not too little - just the right amount.

And again, logically, doesn't it seem that we would choose to do things in the most efficient manner?

What do you think gets in the way?

That concept of 'lazy' is a way too convenient catch- all …

And really, what does 'lazy' actually mean?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                      
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PUSH BACK 101

So, here's a clue to how we end up in this counter-intuitive, not taking care of the task at hand, situation:

Remember all those scoldings in your growing up years?

          'Clean your room!'

          'Put that away!'

          'Hurry up!'

          'Shut the refrigerator!'

          'Turn off the light!'

          'Do your homework now!'

Pretty annoying at the time, right?  How did you deal with this type of parental 'noise'?

          Did you behave?

          Rebel?

          Push back in some way?

The interesting thing is that we seem to continue this push/pull between that internalized parental bullying and the part of us that really doesn't want to hear it…

We had then, and have now, several different default modes of response.  

There's the 'Rebel' response:

          "No I won't!"

The Victim response:

          "I can't!"

And the internalized Bully response:

          "It will never be good enough!"

All of these get in the way of finding balance…

  

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ACTING 'AS IF'

At least once in awhile we all step into truly dysfunctional situations… 

Sadly, families are sometimes perfect illustrations of this. read more

We can find ourselves stuck in the dilemma of screaming 'Hey, the Emperor has no clothes' or joining the group madness and taking on a really uncomfortable role. check it out

There is a third option in this either or dilemma - to recognize that there is a disturbance in the arrangement - and still act in a way that would be compatible with your own definition of healthy group dynamics. 

The idea is to empower yourself and not feel off balance!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

  An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

EQUALIZE THE IMBALANCE

Try these 5 Steps:

1)  First, see the situation for what it is - not healthy for you! 

Be straight with yourself!

2)  Recognize the explicit and implicit bullying that is SOP for dysfunctional groups!

3)  Remove the Bully Voice from the equation - whether it's theirs or yours!

4)  Call out that Bully by name and thereby diminish its power. 

    Try a mini imaginary dialogue.  Play both sides and... 
PUSH BACK! 
(This releases pent up feelings and allows you to catch your breath!) 

5)  Now decide how a healthy person would react to what's going on - 
and try it!

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Think about how people generally react to unsolicited advice.  If you want to provoke anger, it's the way to go!

It's also almost always guaranteed to produce the opposite of the supposedly intended result…

Remember that dog training gem?  If you say, 'Don't run!' - Your dog hears 'run!'.  If you say, 'Don't sit!' - Yep, the dog sits!

Is it because your dog is ornery?  Or might it be because the brains of dogs - and people - do not react well to negations…

So, 'Don't eat sweets!' sounds like…

You get it, right?

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME UN-ASKED FOR ADVICE WAS USEFUL…

Did it trigger compliance and success or…

Anger in the form of Victim (I can't, it's too hard, I'm too lazy…)

Or…

Rebel (You think you can tell me what to do?  Hah!)

Remember both of these responses are re-actions to someone stepping over your boundaries.  In either case you are letting them run the show!

Think about a healthy, non-reactive way to handle boundary over-runs.

Make a list of some possible push backs.

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHO'S IN CHARGE?

What does it mean to be 'in control'?

Most of us struggle with this concept. 

Where is the balance between being that hated control freak, and on the other hand losing control?

The healthy position - the least stressful and least harmful - seems to be when we realize that, as adults, the only person who we can healthily control is our own self. 

We can make decisions about our lives and do our very best to fulfill these desires - we can work to create balance in our lives which might be the best part of being in control of our daily existence. 

We can also step back from the 'ing' part of this verb and recognize that we don't and won't get very far trying to take on this task in the lives of others - certainly not once they are past the age of… consent! 

Check out these two interesting quotes about control:

"The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity…. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward."   Amelia Earhart

Life, Change, Decision

"Control what you can control. Don't lose sleep worrying about things that you don't have control over because, at the end of the day, you still won't have any control over them."

Cam Newton      read more

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHERE IS THE LINE BETWEEN HEALTHY CONTROL AND BULLYING?

Think about a time when you felt pushed to do something by another person.

Who did the pushing?

How did you feel about them?

Did you do what they wanted?

How did that make you feel?

Were you able to push back?

How did that feel?

Now think about a time when you were doing the controlling.

How did you feel about the person you were pushing?

Did they listen to you?

Did they appreciate what you were doing?

And finally think about a time that you became rigid in your attempts at self control.

Did you accomplish what you wanted?

How did you end up feeling?

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THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT

Ever had one of those 'devil made you do it' moments?

Bet you had at least a few when you were a kid? 

You know what I'm talking about, right … when nothing stops the other guys stuff coming at you, till you finally let the devil out!

Here's one:

I was in a small elevator with a neighbor who was talking as if we were on opposite ends of a baseball stadium.  Real loud!

And she kept getting closer and closer into my personal space and louder and louder.

I mean, how far could I back up in a tiny elevator?

Finally I gave up and let the devil do its thing…

"You know," I said, "I have pneumonia."

"Pneumonia!" she screeched.  "Are you contagious?"

"Probably…" the devil answered.

I've never seen anyone back away that quickly or jump off and elevator so fast!

What do ya say?

Can you relate to this one?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DEFINE YOUR 'TERRITORY'!

Many animal species define their 'home range' with what are called 'sign posts' - messages that other animals can read in order to avoid creating conflict and aggression.  read more

In order to take care of ourselves and create a sense of security in our lives, we humans need to be aware that personal boundaries are very important to us.  The more conscious we become of our need to create and reinforce our boundaries the safer and more respected we feel. 

Obviously, humans don't create these markers by spraying like some other animal species.  Our markers are more verbal.  They are also indicated by body language and facial expression.

As much as it seems a paradox, the more tuned in to creating healthy personal space we are, the more comfortable we become with intimacy and sharing!

 DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Part of our sense of physical security is created by the 'boundaries' we set up between ourselves and others.  Even in very intimate relationships we need healthy boundaries.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you think about boundaries:

1)  Auditory 

          How much noise or silence do you need to feel comfortable? 

          In your own home?

          At a meal?

          In the gym or other public place?

2)  Visual

          How much visual 'load' creates a sense of comfort for you?

3)  Physical proximity

          In some cultures people stand right next to each other.        

In others we step back.  How close or far from others - friends?  strangers? - creates the most comfort for you?

What can you do to ensure the degree of boundaries you need?

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