SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - 'BE NICE!'

Pushing back when someone steps on your foot, metaphorical or literal, seems like a no-brainer, right?

How have we developed the idea that it's okay to tolerate the hit?

Remember hearing any of these:

'You're bigger than that!'

'Be nice!'

'They didn't mean it!'

'Don't be so intolerant and demanding!'

'No one will ever like you and you'll be ALL ALONE!'

Unfortunately, the well intentioned exhortations of parents and teachers tend to relay the message that people stomping on our emotional boundaries is both acceptable and normal.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

'MAKING NICE' IS TOXIC - TO YOU… AND BELITTLING TO THE RECEPIENT!

Consider: 

The bottom line is that you are allowing someone to cause you harm and giving them the message that their behavior is okay…

What does that say about your beliefs about them?

Do you do this with people you respect?

Is there perhaps some hidden contempt on your part?

Aren't you telling that person that you think they are incapable of acting decently?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DEFINE YOUR 'TERRITORY'!

Many animal species define their 'home range' with what are called 'sign posts' - messages that other animals can read in order to avoid creating conflict and aggression.  read more

In order to take care of ourselves and create a sense of security in our lives, we humans need to be aware that personal boundaries are very important to us.  The more conscious we become of our need to create and reinforce our boundaries the safer and more respected we feel. 

Obviously, humans don't create these markers by spraying like some other animal species.  Our markers are more verbal.  They are also indicated by body language and facial expression.

As much as it seems a paradox, the more tuned in to creating healthy personal space we are, the more comfortable we become with intimacy and sharing!

 DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Part of our sense of physical security is created by the 'boundaries' we set up between ourselves and others.  Even in very intimate relationships we need healthy boundaries.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you think about boundaries:

1)  Auditory 

          How much noise or silence do you need to feel comfortable? 

          In your own home?

          At a meal?

          In the gym or other public place?

2)  Visual

          How much visual 'load' creates a sense of comfort for you?

3)  Physical proximity

          In some cultures people stand right next to each other.        

In others we step back.  How close or far from others - friends?  strangers? - creates the most comfort for you?

What can you do to ensure the degree of boundaries you need?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

From the moment we come into the world we begin to perceive the ‘otherness’ that teaches us about boundaries.  As toddlers we learn the next steps:

This is mine
That’s yours
You can’t take mine
I can’t take yours

As we grow older we develop the ability to share which is predicated on having these boundaries.

While each culture defines the specifics of boundaries differently (even within cultures the rules change based on gender, status and relationship) this awareness of limits exists and is crucial to our physical and emotional survival.



DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...

Try this visual ‘game’ to explore your own personal boundaries:

Imagine you are wearing a very special “space suit” like the CSI people wear – booties and all – only yours is invisible!  It contracts closer to your body and expands out like a balloon.  You control this distance with your mind.

As you go through the day your “space suit” expands and contracts based on how you feel in each interaction with the world. 

You can give your suit colors – like those ‘mood rings’ of the 70’s that change as you feel more or less connection, intimacy, or need for protection.  What does your protective coloration tell you about your boundaries?

Now, to really mix things up, imagine that those around you are wearing similar suits!  What do you experience?

We’d love to hear the results of this experiment!

(To comment: click on "comments" - write in the box, then go to "comment as" and choose how you want to sign in, then click publish)

BOUNDARY ALERT!

On the train to Washington a man sat down across from me reeking of cheap cologne.

“Is that tray in front of you yours?” he demanded.

“Well, yeah,” I replied, somewhat confused, looking from him to the tray with my coffee cup in it.

“Well,” he said, “I want to throw it away.  The trash you have on it offends me…”

Okaaay…

And then there was the lady several seats away YELLING into her cell phone…  Yikes!   The Quiet Car

How aware are we of where our boundaries end and someone else’s begin?

What do ya say?  Have any interesting boundary stories to share?

(To comment: click on "comments" - write in the box, then go to "comment as" and choose how you want to sign in, then click publish)