SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LOOKING FOR BALANCE

Balance is an important concept in our Universe and in our own individual lives. 

When relationships get out of balance, we feel taken advantage of and angry. 

Not a good place to be! 

If you want an easy way to stay angry - stay in an out of balance relationship!

Ask yourself what you might get from 'putting out' where you are not getting back.

Take responsibility for putting yourself in that position… and step back! 

  

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THE POWER OF BALANCE - FEEL IT!

What creates balance in any relationship? 

A great exercise with a partner to sensitize yourself to the feeling of balance:

Stand back to back and gently lean against each other.

What happens?

Can you feel the shifts in balance?

Check it out with your partner.  Verbally share what you experienced.

Now re-do the exercise.

Does it change?

Here's another exercise you can do, either on your own or with another person:

Take a moment to breathe deeply.

Think about your relationship with another person - choose anyone you want

Now visualize the two of you standing side by side

Experiment with changing your sizes

What happens?

We are using sensory cues to help us establish a feeling of interpersonal balance… With out it we fall!

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TWO WAY STREETS…

Here's an interesting one - check it out:

"I'm generous," she told me shaking her head, "but jeez I'm not stupid!"

Smiling at me she continued, "I like giving, it feels good, but seriously…

I notice that the more generous I am the more I get a really good picture of who the other person truly is…"

"Some people seem to think generosity means you're a fool or someone trying for sainthood…"

"Are they idiots, or what?"

 

What do ya think?

Do you get where she was coming from?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DOWN IN THE DUMPS

We've all had those days, right? 

The 'we want to crawl under the bed' days.

This experience is so much a part of our on-going lives that we've created the expression 'down in the dumps' to describe it - and the expression - and the experience - have been around a long time! 

The earliest written use of the term is the year 1529!  

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This is one of the most important times to beware of our internal Bullies.

When things are tough we tend to feel fear - and fear is the playground of our own internal Bullies!

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DIALOGGIN' WITH YOUR BULLY:

First find and identify your internal Bully voice - if you are feeling down it's probably there… 

The dialog might go something like this:

Bully:  Man, you are such a mess!  It's your fault that everything went wrong!

You:  No, it is not!  Only some of it…  I am human you know.  You're making everything worse.

Bully:  I'm just trying to help… I mean if I can't point out your flaws, who can?  I know you the best.

You:  Hey, pointing out flaws is NOT helpful!  Why don't you find something nice to say - you know, supportive!  Maybe you could help me through this awful day!

Bully:  What, you want me to lie?

You:  YES!

You are probably laughing now … and seeing the ridiculousness of piling on yourself…

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"SOME DAYS MUST BE DARK AND DREARY…"

Ever hear that poem?  read the poem

This guy was the walking incarnation of Longfellow's words…

"Ugh," he moaned, dragging himself into the room. 

"I am so depressed!"

"Today was one of those total loser days!  I just couldn't catch a break!"

"Nothing I did turned out right … and then some texting idiot crashed into the side of my car - at a red light!"

Yikes!

What do ya say?

How do you deal with those 'everything goes to s*#%' days?

Got any remedies?

GO FOR IT!

This week's posts about dialoging with our internal voices created a lot of comments… and questions. 

This one's a pretty typical example:

"I don't get how this talking to different parts of myself would make any difference!  Actually, it sounds pretty weird - but hey, I'm open-minded, so prove it to me!"

Okaaay…

Let's use the guy who commented above.  He was struggling with getting an exercise program going.  He knew he needed it, but he was seriously stuck.

Here's how talking to his inner 'voices' could help him get past stuck:

First, define the problem.  Here it is in his own words: 
"I need to exercise, I know I do, but let's face it, I'm just lazy…"

Now, let's check in with those voices:

Voice 1 is easy to find. It's the part of him that refuses to budge and has an easy answer:  "I'm lazy."

Voice 2 is always going to be the other side - in this case the part that wants him to exercise:  "But you have to do it!  Even the doc said so!"

Now the dialog begins.  It might go something like this:

Voice 1:  "You can't make me!  I won't do it!  Get off my case!"

Voice 2:  "I'm the boss.  I'm smarter than you and you have to do what I say!"

Voice 1:  "No I don't and I won't!"

CHOKE POINT, RIGHT?

Now, if we visualize these two parts, what might they look like?

How would their voices sound?

Exaggerate their images and sounds.

What happens?

Can you take them to the point of absurdity?

Usually, this gets us laughing and the next step is to negotiate some sort of deal.  There are lots of possibilities:

Bribes:  If you go to the gym, I'll…

Compromises:  How about one day a week?  How about 20 minutes?

And finally

Support:  Let's find a way we can both be happy.

You get the idea.  It's all about internal politics, right? 

You're looking to make friends with those opposing parts and get them working together instead of in opposition. 

It's actually easy, fun and most importantly guaranteed to create momentum - the antidote to those stuck places!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHO'S TALKING NOW?

Ever feel stuck?  If you are human the answer is 'yes'…

Looking for external causes?

Maybe the problem is a little closer to home.

Often we get jammed when our internal voices are fighting with each other without our knowledge.  

These 'voices' are swallowed down beliefs and undigested mandates that we pick up during our life from our parents, siblings, teachers and society - all those 'you shoulds' and 'you are's' and 'you have tos' that rattle around in our heads.

Sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other, but the stumbling block which causes our 'stuckness' is the unresolved conflict itself!

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INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION 102

Awareness - You know what you are stuck about - that's easy to see and feel.  Now use your detective sense and find the opposing inner  sides of the conflict - See if you can give each of these conflicting parts of you an identity - label them in a way that allows you to recognize and become familiar with them.

Dialogs - In real life conflict resolution we try to get opposing side to enter into a dialog, right?  So now try this out with your inner conflict!  Just as in the outer world, it can be lots of fun and incredibly informative and productive.  Give each of the inner sides a voice.

Acknowledgment of conflicting positions - Now let each of these sides tell the other side who it is and what it wants and maybe even how it feels!  An easy trick is to use your hands - right hand is one voice, left hand is the other.  Remember that saying: 'Talk to the hand'?  You might be surprised at what comes out!

Negotiation - Now that they have defined who they are, let them start the process of trying to come to a win/win. 

Resolution - You want to see if you can bring their positions closer together or at least find a way that they can share the upper hand - you know, 'I win today, you get your way tomorrow'…

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SAY WHAT?

"What do you mean 'internal voices'?" he asked.  

"Are you saying I'm nuts, or what?"

"I don't have 'voices' inside of me… do I?" he looked at me questioningly.

"And if I do," he demanded, "you want to tell me how they got there?

And what are they talking about, anyway?"

What do ya say?

Can you identify your inner voices?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - TRANSFORMING RESISTANCE!

 (OOPS!  THIS WAS THE BACKEND OF THURSDAY'S POST - "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!"  I BET YOU WONDERED WHAT HAPPENED...)

So, what is the difference between stubborn, determined and driven?

One way of looking at it is that 'stubborn' is about resistance, using your energy to pull against something.  

It is the hallmark of our internal Rebel who constantly proclaims:  "No, I won't!"  often regardless of the consequences.

'Determined' connotes desire - "I will accomplish what I want!"

And finally…

'Driven' creates a picture of the inimical internal Bully chasing behind us with a whip yelling:  "You have to, or else!"

 

 

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TWO EASY AND FUN STEPS TO TRANSFORM RESISTANCE

1)  AWARENESS - Check out who is there.

Is it your stubborn inner Rebel?  "No, I won't!"

Your pushy, driven Bully?  "You have to!"

or

Your centered, determined inner Ally?  "I want to and I can!"

2)  USE YOUR IMAGINATION - Talk to each of these parts of you. 

What would you like to say to your inner Rebel, that master of resistance?  And just as importantly what is that part of you saying to you?

And now for your Bully voice.  This part of us is really insidious.  It pretends to only be pushing us in our very best interest…

Think about that one!  Imagine you are walking down the street and someone sneaks up from behind you and gives you a really hard push… Hmmm…

And finally start creating and strengthening your Ally voice.  This is the 'Yes, you can!' part of you.  

Ever wish someone saw you exactly as you are - and believed in you anyhow?

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WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

Three words:  stubborn, determined, driven…

Do they mean the same thing?

Stubborn is bad, right?

Determined is good, isn't it?

And driven, well, we seem to save that one for people on the maniac fringe, you know, politicians and Nobel Prize winners…

What do ya say?

Anybody ever label you with one of these words?

Was it a compliment?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - TELL IT LIKE IT IS!

We seem to be most 'at home' with those we can label as members of our 'tribe'... 

This means they have similar characteristics - background, age group and so on.  This probably served a survival function in our early human days…these were the folks least likely to cook us for dinner…

We appear to have held onto the need to see those we associate with as similar to ourselves - no matter what the evidence indicates.

So, isn't it nice to think everyone is just like you? 

Well, no - not nice to them or to you! 

As counter-intuitive as it may sometimes seem, seeing people for who they really are is actually a kindness. 

None of us likes feeling that we are disappointing others - and no one likes being disillusioned, but when we don't see others clearly we are constantly disappointed with the outcomes of our interactions. 

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

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TRAINING YOUR INNER EYE TO PERCEIVE DIFFERENCES

If we assume that everyone is coming from the same  - values, needs, personality, history - we are doomed to misunderstand their behavior! 

Check out the following 4 steps to help your inner eye perceive differences:

LISTEN to their words and stories.  What are they telling you?  What are the underlying messages about who they are?

WATCH how they interact with others.  Don't 'excuse' (ie. 'erase') behavior that is different than yours.

REGISTER the impact of their actions on others.  What is this telling you?

COMPARE with honesty their values with yours. 

  

TWISTED EXPECTATIONS…

"It got me really angry!" he stated categorically.

"I know that guy was trying to take advantage of me!"

And then there was this lady who said:

"My feelings are so hurt!  After everything I've done for her she was so stingy with me!"

What's the common denominator?

Both of these people expected other people to be just like them!

Yeah, the first guy was a person who always tried to get his way and the lady was indeed a very generous soul, but they both got busted by the same flaw …

 

They really did think everyone was just like them!

What do ya say?

Does this one fit for you?

Maybe… a little bit?

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