SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LISTEN TO ME!

What is it that compels us to tell others what to do?

Is it a desire to help?

To be heard?

To feel smart?

To empower ourselves?

And really how often is it solicited?b

How often is it listened to?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

GIVING ADVICE?

Think about how you feel when others tell you what you should do…

     How often do you take their advice?

     How useful is this type of interaction?

     How do you feel when you 'help' others in this way?

     What happens when the advice is 'bad'?

     Who suffers the consequences?

    

DOWN IN THE DUMPS?

Why do we get so angry - with ourselves - when our best laid plans go kerplaff?

What, you say you don't get angry?

Just depressed?

Hellooo…

Wake up call!

What do ya say?

Can you recognize your anger?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THE LECTURE CIRCUIT

Why do we so often respond to other peoples' problems by lecturing them?

Do we really think that we know the answers for them?

Or maybe we are just imitating an M.O. we learned from our parents?

Do we like being lectured?

Do we take in advice delivered in this manner?

Is lecturing ever useful?   Almost never!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME YOU LECTURED SOMEONE OR WERE LECTURED BY THEM…

What do you think was the motivation:

Trying to be helpful?

Feeling smart?

Relieving your own anxiety?

Dealing with your own anger and stress?

Indirectly working out your own 'stuff'?

Copying learned behavior?

NASTY IS AS NASTY DOES

Ever notice yourself in a situation where someone goes out of their way to slug you any chance they get?

Ever run into someone who seriously dislikes you and loves the idea of having power over you?

It's particularly aggravating when it feels totally irrational - when you shake your head and wonder what alternative universe you've stumbled into.

What do ya say?

How do you deal with this?

THANKING OTHERS, THANKING YOURSELF

'Thank you' is the opposite of bullying.

Unfortunately, bullying ourselves and others is a frequent modus operandi in our culture.

Truly ineffective in the long run, bullying is a set up for resentment and backlash!

On the other hand, true appreciation of ourselves and others almost always opens doors to forward momentum!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PRACTICING APPRECIATION

* Each day: look in the mirror and say 3 thank you's to the face looking back  at you.

* Look out the window and feel appreciation for the sky, the clouds, the  birds…

* Say a heart felt thank you to 3 other people today - and mean it!

What happens as you do this?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DROP IT!

Someplace along the path of our evolution we got addicted to the concept of 'should'.

It's a remarkable way of thinking that actually takes us out of the present moment into either the past or the future… and takes us there with recriminations and that pervasive sound of bullying!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CHECK OUT THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT 'SHOULD':         

Does it really serve you as a useful tool?  For yourself?  For others?

What does it do for you?

Where did you learn to use this?

How do you feel after you 'should' yourself?

How do you feel after you 'should' someone else?

                                                                                                         

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - INTIMIDATION

The whole issue of intimidation and submission is front and center these days.

The horrible and appalling stories in the news are affecting all of us, making us question our own histories.

The good news is this behavior is finally being outed.

Will it change underlying desire on the part of the perpetrators to intimidate and bully others to their will?

Your answer depends on both your own experience and your faith in the nature of our species.

What we can realistically hope, however, is that this publicity will enable us to better educate and empower ourselves.

We need to recognize the desire on the part of the doer to induce fear, to play on our sense of being in a weaker position and to frighten us into doing what they want.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

ARE YOU SUSCEPTABLE?

Think about what forces might have made you susceptible to bullying and intimidation.

In many ways we are habituated to accepting the control of those in power from a very young age…

Ask yourself what voices from your early years might have contributed to a predisposition to 'cave'.

Do you feel guilty if you say 'no'?

What do you perceive is the underlying threat to you?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING IT?

Why do we berate ourselves after something goes wrong?

Really, if you think about it, this behavior is totally counterintuitive.  You're already hurting and so…you pile on?

Obviously, this is learned behavior. 

Remember those childhood 'How could you's'?  And how about that 'This is for your own good'?

We inhale these words without understanding the long term impact, and years later use them on ourselves!

Anger is a natural human emotion - turning it inward is not!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

CHECK IT OUT!

The next time you feel down try this:

1)  Ask yourself if something specific happened that you're upset about?

2)  Objectively describe what actually happened.

3)  How did you feel?

4)  Did you let yourself feel angry?

5)  How did you deal with your anger? 

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - NO, I WON'T!

Words and how we use them are so important.

For instance, the word 'should' can be highly toxic!

Ever notice, how, when someone 'shoulds' you, your reaction is often of the knee-jerk variety?

"You should do x" almost always yields y!

And "You should not do x" almost always makes x irresistible.

'Should' no matter how well intended is a Bully word and most of us do not react well to being bullied!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

"Up yours," I screamed as I shot myself in the foot…

Sound familiar?

How many times do you think you have harmed yourself by reacting rebelliously to bullying?

Think about all the times someone has scolded you about what you are doing.  What were they complaining about? 

Did the 'problem' get better or worse?

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

"Ugh, I am so frustrated!" she announced as she came into the room.

"Remember," she continued, "the last time I saw you I told you that I lost all this weight?"

"And remember how happy I was?"

"Well, I gained it all back!"

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Nothing," she replied,"it just all changed…"

"Nothing?" I probed.

"Well, I did go to the doctor for a general checkup…"

"Yeah?" I prodded.

"And that bitch told me I needed to lose weight!"

What do ya say? Do you speak 'Rebel'?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SPEAKING OUT

People seem to enjoy complaining… but often not to the perp!  

There's a difference between asking for a remedy to a bad situation and just enjoying the sound of a good kvetch.

The first one puts you out there and can create high visibility and make you a target, but perhaps get something fixed…

The second is basically enjoying the sound of your own voice.

Some of us learn in our families and societies to 'step up to the plate' and try to make a difference…

Sometimes we really do succeed and help others and ourselves - sometimes not.

Sometimes we get applause - sometimes not.

The important thing is to decide what feels right and legitimate to you.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

IMPORTANT NOTE TO SELF:

External bullies are about control…

Internal bullies are too!

If you decide not to take a step in dealing with something: 

Support your decision.  No self scolding!

If you decide to take a step and make waves: 

See the bullies who try to shut you down for what they are - mostly people who don't want to deal with whatever you are bringing to the light!

                                                                                          

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHO YELLED AT YOU?

Unfortunately, a lot of our learning is based on systematic bullying.

We get scolded, yelled at, labeled, branded with 'bad' grades…

Often, our teachers, parents and doctors have bought into this system of teaching.  After all, it was how they learned…

And of course, if learning tasks was our only life goal, it might work…  But at what cost?

Remember that 'kick the cat' line?  Each person abusing the one just a little lower on the totem pole?

One of the saddest pieces of this story is how we abuse ourselves!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHO YELLED AT YOU?

Can you remember …

          Being scolded?

          Yelled at?

          Ridiculed?

          Called names?

          Hit?

Can you remember how these things affected you?

And most importantly can you see how you might have passed on this legacy?

          To others?

          To yourself?

Imagine having a dialog with the bully part of yourself.  

Can you suggest it take a walk?

TAKE THAT!

"She is such a little brat!  But I showed her!"

The 30 year old woman was talking about her 5 year old niece who had just pinched the new baby…

"I gave her a really hard pinch," the woman continued.

"Now she knows what it feels like and she'll never do that again!"

Seriously?

What do ya say?

You don't really think being a bigger bully is a teaching moment, do you?

I TRIED, REALLY …

Once upon a time there was a very sweet and well intentioned little girl.  Her parents believed children should do chores, so after dinner she washed the dishes.

I bet you think she was rewarded, right?

Nope.

Her mother pointed out all the spots the little girl missed on those nasty pots…

So the little girl tried again.

This time she got all the pots… BUT…

Her mother pointed out all the spots the little girl missed on the plates…

Can you guessed what happened next time?

If you figured out that the little girl dropped and broke more dishes than she cleaned you got it right…

And guess what?

That mother told the little girl that she was no longer allowed to wash the dishes…

AWWW… TOO BAD!

Now of course, the important thing about this story is the take away.

Can you guess what it is?

What do ya say?

Do you ever find yourself pushing back by breaking a metaphorical dish or two?

THE BULLY TRACK

"I was walking on this really beautiful path - and well - I admit it - day dreaming… and the next thing I knew…YOW!  I tripped and ended up with a sprained ankle…"

"I can't believe I was so out of it!  That nasty sprained ankle served me right!"

"Yeah, well," her friend groaned, "at least you were someplace beautiful!  I didn't go anyplace but I whacked out my back doing nothing!  I just can't believe how clueless I can be!"

What do ya say?

Do you get this stuff?

Sound familiar?

Helpful?

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