REINFORCING NEGATIVES…

We seem to need to 'memorialize' the messages we get early in life.  Whether we reject them or embrace them we are working from an old - and usually defective - script.

Think about it.

The people - parents, teachers, even older siblings - who gave you many of the beliefs about yourself were powerful - in your eyes - and the structure of power dictated their dominance over you. 

But if you look back along that alleyway of time - if you really look - can you see their fallibility?

And perhaps, from this perspective, realize that their messages were more about them than about you!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

UNHOOKING NEGATIVE MESSAGES

Ask yourself:

What do you get by reinforcing these old messages?

What have you done to actually strengthen in these messages?

What would happen if you gave up these beliefs?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BALANCING THE DARK WITH LIGHT

Crucial to our healthy survival is finding a way to not let the negative become our total reality - even when it feels that way!

It's easy to find and focus on the nasty bits - the days' news, a negative comment, a crossed eye glance - no denying they are out there.

Maybe it takes a little more focus to find the light, but with practice, the rewards are immense!

The sparkle of light, the movement of the sun, an unexpected smile - if we let them fill us, even for a moment - we create balance and perhaps as that old belief goes, as we heal ourselves, we also heal our world!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THE PRACTICE OF INTERNALIZING LIGHT

It really is about practice - and volition!

Remember the White Queen in Alice in Wonderland and her mantra of believing a certain number of impossible things before breakfast?

Can you find 3 tiny moments of light in your day?

What happens as you do this?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WINTER CLEAN UP

All of us who use computers know how important it is to do disc clean up - clearing space for new work.

We humans have that same need.

We also require clearing out our emotional and metaphorical disc space!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WIPING OUT EMOTIONAL SPAM

Think about all those old 'done to's' that you obsess about late into the night…

Make a list of all the insults, hurts, and unkindnesses you can come up with - all the 'he saids', 'they promised', 'I got set ups', insulted, treated badly…

Really pay attention to how you feel as you do this.

Hurts a little?

What do you imagine would happen if you could let all that garbage go?

Do you need to hold onto it for any reason?

Is there a lesson for you to learn?

A conversation that needs to happen?

DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO…

AND THEN…

ERASE! ERASE!

LET IT GO

Tomorrow winter officially begins.  

Our ancient forebears always did something to recognize and celebrate the changing seasons. 

Customarily, winter was seen as a season of letting go, dying, going underground.   read more

It's a wonderful time for those of us in this modern world to mediate on what we need to let go of and bury…

Release of the old and out of date allows us to create space for new energy!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - FUZZY THINKING

'The world is linear' you say…

It is not!

'Equations work in human interactions' you say…

They do not!

'Your behavior has to do with me' you say…

It does not!

Do you see the direction here?

Somehow - actually for a lot of reasons - we learn a twisted logic to explain how the world of human connections works.

Why do we continue to push these beliefs when they clearly don't work and cause us suffering?

Maybe because we wish they worked?

Maybe the desire to have complete control over our lives and the behavior of others is so strong that we have a difficult time giving up these illusions even when they so clearly lead us down dark and painful paths!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

MAKE A LIST OF YOUR OWN EQUATIONS…

These are the 'If I do x, then y will inevitably occur' beliefs.

How often have these beliefs panned out?

What will it take for you to let them go?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MEMORIES…

It's interesting to think about how memory works and the function it plays in our lives.

It's obviously part of the way we learn. 

Our memory allows us to avoid danger (think: that ubiquitous story of the child burning its finger on something hot and not doing that again.)

But, what happens when we re-shape past reality to fit current beliefs? 

And even more importantly, what happens to current reality when we squeeze it to fit those past beliefs?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THE DANGER OF DISTORTION

Think about some of the stories you tell yourself about the past.

          Stories about who you were…

          Stories about how others perceived you…

          Stories about your friends and family…

What did you take away from those stories that continues to impact your current reality and beliefs?

Do you want to hold onto these stories… or maybe let them go?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - RELEASE

We know all about forgiving others… it's an ongoing theme in our cultures, but…

How often are we reminded to forgive ourselves?

How many times have you heard someone say:

'I should have known better…

        Then to trust that person

        Then to go there

        Then to do that

We fault ourselves for our imperfections and then hold onto the inner scolding, perhaps in the distorted belief that if we keep reminding ourselves, we'll never do it again?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

What horrible mistakes have you actually made?

How have you dealt with them?

What do you need to do to let go?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LET (IT) GO!

"If I just keep trying," we tell ourselves.

"Try harder," we demand.

With these words we bully ourselves into holding on to beliefs and positions that are way past their expiration dates.

We get stubborn:  "I can make this work!"

We get defiant:  "I know this is the right way!"

In the end, we often hold ourselves responsible:  "It's my fault it's not working!" we moan, blaming ourselves instead of an antiquated belief.

What we accept as true in our childhood is often crucial for our survival - which can easily give these beliefs a special, dug in, power.

It's interesting to think about how much changes for us as we mature and what gets stuck!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about your own self defeating behaviors and beliefs…

Make a list of the things you tell yourself about the world and your place in it…

Think about how - and perhaps when - you learned this attitude. 

Did you hear someone say this was the truth?

See someone behave this way?

Imagine talking to that person about how their attitude affected you.

What would you say?

Now make a list of the behaviors and beliefs that you might want to let go…

What do you feel as you do this?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU?

Sometimes it actually seems as if people are treasuring their anger and resentments… even those going back pretty far in time.

Like broody hens,they sit on these memories and nurture them  recounting and recollecting each moment of annoyance…

Ever wonder what the hook is?  Why would a person want to revisit a negative experience?

Seems counter-intuitive, right?

DANCE WITH IT!   

EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT'S THE HOOK?

See if any of these feelings fit for you…

1)  FEAR: If I let it go and forget, it might happen again… if I hold on, I stay protected.

2)  CONFUSION: I need to figure it out!

3)  SENSE OF POWER: I won't let them get away with it! 

4)  HELPLESSNESS: By remembering the 'wrong' I am not letting them get away with it!

5)  PUNISHMENT: They deserve these bad thoughts!

To paraphrase that great quote from the Dalai Lama:  Throw away the experience, hold onto the lesson!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - THAT'S THE WAY TO SAY GOODBYE…

On some level we really do know when it's time to go - or let go - whether it's of a relationship, a place, a job, or a thing.

We experience the frustration of trying and not getting results, or we perceive anger coming at us that we are unable to understand or circumvent.

However, often, even though we know it's really finished, we hang on, hoping that somehow a miracle will occur and we won't have to say goodbye…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

EXIT STRATEGIES

1)  Give it your best shot.

2)  Tell yourself you did give it your all.

3)  Acknowledge your gains - what have you already gotten?

4)  Acknowledge what you haven't gotten and ask yourself if it is really available.

5)  Admit the sadness and anger that comes with having to let go.

6)  Repeat that mantra about one door closing and another opening as you say goodbye! 

EXIT STRATEGIES

So, when is it okay to walk away?

And how?

our fav letting go song

Does it have to be ugly?

Intense?

Do you have to tell them everything they did wrong?

Do you need to justify your move?

Or might it be as simple as that next rotation of the earth…

What do ya say?

Can you move on elegantly?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - MAJOR POWER OUTAGE - PLEASE!

Of course, you can set personal boundaries and you can say 'no' or 'yes'.

You can step backwards or forward.

Yes, you do have control - over YOUR own behavior - and the sooner you see this one for what it is the better!

It's crucial not to get stuck in that slurpy quicksand of thinking it's all about you - way too much distorted power!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about a time in your childhood when someone else's behavior caused you pain and you got the 3rd degree about your role.

Did you hear things like:

"You must have done something to cause it!  What did you do?!"

Even though you weren't the 'perp' somehow the message was that it was your fault…

Now, think about a recent time when something happened that felt bad to you and you used that same scolding parental voice on yourself, asking, "What did I do?! I must have done something to cause this?"

Interesting, right?

Now, re-imagine both events - past and present - and this time create a new voice.  

It might say something like:  "Ugh!  Sorry that happened to you!  I know it felt awful - but you didn't do it!"

How does this replay feel?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - READY TO GIVE IT UP?

Do you really think you have that much control over…everything?

How did we come to feel that we should?  That everything in our lives is someone's fault: ours... theirs…

When things went off the rails in your younger days what did you learn?  Did you hear that old standby: 'Now, what did you do!'

The paradox is that when we assume total responsibility for things we are also indirectly saying we have all the power, all the control…

Perhaps it's time to give that one up in favor of something more balanced? 

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THIS ONE IS PRETTY SIMPLE: A MEDITATION ON REALITY

Think about some situations where you assumed the total 'weight'. 

Can you see how you were also assuming total control? 

Even when the outcome was negative?

  

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - UNHOOKING

Who do we keep on that anger hook?

Sometimes our parents or siblings… old boyfriends or girlfriends, a rotten teacher, even that neighbor down the hall who was too loud late last night.

We are angry with them - righteous anger - so what's wrong with that?

Think about the body posture that goes with anger - clenched jaw, gritted teeth, tight muscles… ouch!

And, they are not the ones with these symptoms, are they?

Not to mention the surge or adrenaline and that constant reiteration - out loud or in our heads of all these 'wrongs'!

It's not about pretending that everything's fine.  It's okay to get angry when someone steps over the line.

BUT...

Holding on to that anger, keeping it going, causes too much stress!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

There are as many ways to let go as there are cultures… and maybe even people!

Many traditional cultures have a built in mechanism for forgiving and letting go - of yourself, and of others. 

The idea is that holding on to the 'wrongs' on either side of this equation creates imbalance.

In these cultures being in balance - with the Earth, with yourself and with others leads to harmony and well being.

Borrow a traditional ritual or create one that works for you!

Check out some options:

Ho'o pono pono  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoʻoponopono

Confession https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201501/why-confessing-is-good-you

Navajo http://sc2218.wikifoundry.com/page/Navajo+healing+practices

Storytelling http://comingtothetable.org/stories/stories-healing-wounds/healing-power-storytelling/

Imaginary dialogs

Fantasy revenge

Remember:  As you let go, see the other person for who they are and take care of yourself moving forward!