SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BANISH THE BULLY - BANISH THE BLUES!

Our inner bullies lurk on those dark and dreary days!

Check it out:  Had a tough day?  Are you bullying yourself? 

Listen for clues:

"It's all your fault!"

"What did you do now?!"

"See!  That's what happens when you…"

Sound familiar?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

LET THE SUN SHINE IN!

First tell your inner bully that its being ridiculous.  

'Ridiculous' is an important word.  Bullies, even those internal ones, don't like to be called on their 'stuff'!

Now find some simple sun…

Watch the birds, email friends, fun videos on Yu-Tube, silly songs, listen to music from your favorite era, sing along, dance...

Thank yourself for all the things you do!

SOME DAYS…

'It was a dark and dreary day'… or was it 'a dark and stormy night'?

Isn't that the start of a story?  check it out

Yeah.  But.

We all do have those overwhelmingly soggy, angst laden, damp days, right?

We are human after all…

And.  So...

What do ya say?

How do you handle the megrims?

Tune in tomorrow for some sunshine…

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHO DID THEY SAY YOU WERE?

Families create profiles.

There's the 'group' picture:  'this is who we are and what makes us different from them'…

And then there are the individual profiles: 'this is who you are'.

The individual snapshots are partly defined by birth order and partly by early familial projections and needs...

"She's our smart one."

"He gets along with everyone."

"You're the oldest, take care of your sister."

"She's the youngest.  Isn't she cute!"

"Our middle son gets along with everyone and is so easy."

Can you imagine the traps that might come with these definitions?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about the things that were said about you as a child.

Make a list of the ways you might have been defined.

Ask yourself if these things really fit for you.

Can you imagine that these adjectives and descriptors are a robe that could be removed?

How might you feel?

What could your life be like without the definitions that have come from others?

FAMILY STORIES

"How much choice do I have?" he wanted to know.

"I mean, really," he continued… "The things my family told me, the things I totally bought into … they just keep popping up and biting me on the ..."

He looked at me shaking his head in despair.

"I totally believed them, so how do I let go of that!?"

What do ya say?

What stories were you told? 

Do they still get you?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ANGRY MUCH?

Clearly, anger is a normal and necessary human emotion.

It allows us to set boundaries with others - to mark our territory and speak out when those boundaries are violated.

However, when this emotion, one of many we humans have been gifted with, becomes a default position we get in trouble… 

Being stuck in any one emotional state is just that - stuck!

  

      

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Here's how one person put it when someone suggested she tell the person she was angry with how she felt:

"Yeah," she said, "but if he apologizes to me, I can't be mad at him and he's a great place to put all my anger…"

She was saying she needed someone to stay angry at - to maintain this feeling - the charge that comes with anger.

Does this fit for you?

Sometimes we seem to believe that holding on to being angry is so much a part of who we are that without it we are lost…

Here's an interesting experiment:

Ask yourself what would happen if you release the anger you carry with you?

Not swallow it, not vent it, but work through it …

What might take its place?

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES…

"Daddy," his 7 year old daughter remarked very thoughtfully, "why are you always angry?"

"What?" he was clearly taken aback.

"I'm not always angry," he corrected her in a rather…well…angry tone of voice.

What do ya say?

Do you need to be angry?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LIGHTEN IT UP

The real challenge for all of us is in facing life's hard times with out the bitterness.  We are constantly tempted to devolve into victim-hood.  You know it when you're there…

When bad things happen do you catch yourself saying:  'it only happens to me', 'I've got it really bad', 'welcome to my world'?

These are all ways we use language to heighten and intensify our suffering.

The outcome - the final destination - is perhaps not as important as the journey - the only choice we really have is how we handle the interim.

Keep looking for the light…

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

4 STRATEGIES TO LIGHTEN THE DARKNESS

With every resentment make yourself find an appreciation - and say both sides of it out loud…

Listen to country music - you know - all those 'She done me wrong songs' and sing along - out loud!

Howl!  Get into your inner wolf and let out a few really good 'Awooo's'!

Chant that nursery rhyme about going into the garden and eating worms - keep going until you get the joke!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKQmcfTJ1GA

MESSAGE TO SELF - ALLOW ALLOW

In the course of 15 minutes two seemingly opposite messages came in…

The first was the death of an old friend…

The second was news of the birth of a much wanted child.

In both cases there had been a struggle - the first to stay alive, the second to create life.

The common ground was the intensity of the struggle to achieve the desired result, the hopefulness and determination to accept the outcome…

What do ya say?

Can you let it be… really?

remember this one

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - COUNTERPUNCHING

If you wonder why a supposedly nice comment makes you feel bad - perhaps you need to re-think the 'nice'.

The beauty of passive aggressive behavior - that hidden anger - is that it confuses the victim with its 'top-coat' of nice...

Often, it isn't until you walk away that it hits you... 'WHAT DID THEY SAY!?'

Instead of sinking into a bad feeling, recognize that someone just did a sneak attack and perhaps, just perhaps, you feel bad because they wanted you to!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

5 STEPS FOR THE COUNTERPUNCH…

1)  Recognize it for what it is - mean and sneaky!

2)  Take a giant step back - this is not a nice person - more like something oozing stench - and you don't want to get that smell on you!

3)  You don't have to answer!  One very effective strategy is the non-response, and in person the dead-pan stare!

4)  If you do feel a strong need to respond, you can try:  "Whoa! That was seriously nasty!  Guess you had a bad day."  For a double whammy you can add #3 - the dead- pan stare.

5)  We assume that people we care about and value are capable of being more honest with their feelings… but since none of us are perfect, if one of the good guys has a slip into P/A behavior, you can always try calling it like it is:  "Sounds like you're angry with me, want to talk about it?" 

THE P/A PUNCH

Overheard in the elevator:

"I saw your boyfriend the other day," she said, baring her teeth in a truly predatory smile.

"Whoa!  He is really hot!  I mean you're pretty and all," she explained shaking her head.  "But him…wow!"

"How'd you snag him?"

What do ya think?

If you said 'bitch' you got it!

A perfect example of passive aggressive anger…

Here's another one.  An email this time:

'Hi Judy, Sorry it's been so long (he wrote to his ex).  I was awakened this morning by a really intense dream.  You were dead.  I sincerely hope this is not true.  Fondly, Peter'

Yep, that's another one.  P/A to the max.

What do ya say?

How do you react when someone 'nices' you to death?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - NOISE POLUTION!

In the early 1970's psychologists were really excited by the concept of 'venting' - ranting and raving and getting it all off your chest…

Until they discovered that this strategy was actually pretty destructive.

The 'ranter' could easily become addicted to the process - the high and adrenalin surge that often came from yelling - without actually creating any change in behavior…  

Except perhaps for the contact-avoidance created in the vented upon!

This is very different from 'directed catharsis especially when followed by cognitive strategies of change.' read more

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Yes, you can release that tension in a non-destructive manner!

Check out these possibilities:

Go outside and yell at the trees, the grass, the sky - they can take it without any problem.  Or get in your parked car and go to it.

If you can't leave your indoor space, grab a pillow, hold it up to your mouth and howl away to your hearts content…

And then, once you've released that tension, look at what you were so jacked up about.  

Does it still seem worthy of rage?

Imagine a dialog with whoever made you feel that way.  Tell them how you feel.

Now trade imaginary places and get into their shoes…

What do you discover?

GOB SMACKED!

"Well," she said," I read that thing you wrote about the guy who flipped out on his girlfriend when he was annoyed…"

"But how about when it's someone who's just an acquaintance?"

"I mean," she continued," I get the intensity that can come in intimate relationships, but from people you do business with?"

"Yesterday I asked an associate a simple question and the next thing I knew she was screaming at me..." 

"I gotta say I was totally gob smacked… I stood there with my mouth open like… well… like totally shocked!

What do ya say?

Ever been in her position?

What did you do?

READY - AIM - FIRE!

"I really love being with him," she said, "but sometimes it's like he gets a bug up his a@@ and goes off on me…"

"I mean, he'll get angry about something and starts ranting and yelling and truly acting crazy!"

"I swear his eyes are rolling around in their sockets!"

Okay, maybe she was exaggerating a little, but you know what she's talking about, right?

"And then," she continued, "he's gotten it all out and he stomps off… and the next time I see him he's totally fine!  As if nothing happened…"

What do ya say?

Do you know anyone who acts like him?

Not you, right?