SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HOW TO TURN OFF HAPPINESS

What are the rules we make that get in the way of our natural in-born light hearted happiness?

How many times have you heard (or said to yourself):

That's childish!

That's silly!

Don't act that way!  You'll embarrass me!

Most of us probably started out with a really healthy internal 'fool'.  This is the part of us that can feel and act silly.

Why do we need this part?  It counteracts the heaviness that comes down the road…

Why do you think we adored Lucy? 

watch and laugh

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

WHAT ARE YOUR ANTI-HAPPY RULES?

Do you jettison your light hearted silliness?

Check these out:

  Do you listen to your inner bully telling you to behave?

  Do you focus on negative energy around you?

  Do you get seduced by your own victim role?

  How much encouragement do you get to 'act grown up'?

  Who encourages you?

  Who actually benefits?

CREATING HAPPY

Whatever makes you happy, and doesn't hurt anyone else…

Do it!

Hugging puppies and kitties, laughing at squirrels, watching cartoons, writing bad poetry, singing off key, dancing around the room all by yourself…

You get the idea - it doesn't have to be 100% and certainly not perfect! 

In life, close counts!

Remember Donovan?  Want a quick smile?   check this out!

Each day needs some silly, some giggle, some light - a moment when you wink at yourself in the mirror and grin.

What do ya say?

Are you doing it?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - FLASHING RED LIGHTS

At an actual flashing red light most of us are very aware of the danger of proceeding.  Car crashes can be lethal! 

Are we sometimes tempted?  Sure but the potential consequences tend to mitigate any forward momentum…

The interpersonal warning signs tend to be easier to drive through. 

We second guess our perception and chastise ourselves for being too harsh.

And then, there's that part of us that likes feeling that our own specialness makes us splatter proof!

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACKING

In personal relationships, as long as we leave our Bully voices out of the equation, re-hash sessions are actually useful!

FORMULA FOR A SUCCESSFUL RE-HASH:

1)  Describe the 'crash to yourself.

     Who were the people involved?

     What happened?

     How did you feel? 

     * angry

     * hurt

     * bewildered

     * sad

     * relieved

2)  What warning signs did you ignore?

     * what others told you

     * general gossip

     * your observation of this person interacting with others

     * subtle hints in your own interactions with this person

3)  What would have been the downside of dealing with the warning signs at the time?

     * feeling guilty

     * feeling self critical

     * losing your sense of specialness

     * having to walk away instead of waiting for the crash

     * loneliness

WHAT WILL YOU DO NEXT TIME?

WARNING SIGNS…PAY ATTENTION MUCH?

(Good background music for this one: Rosanne Cash 'Runaway Train')

How many times have you noticed something - maybe out of the corner of your eye, and said: "Nah, not happening…"

Or how about this one:  "Yeah, it happened to that person, but definitely won't happen to me!

Uh Huh…

Look again!

That, there, is an official warning!

Pay attention!

What do ya say? 

How many of those flashing red lights have you ignored?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - POLLYANNA IN TODAY'S WORLD

Most of us hate it when we are going through a hard time and someone - intending to be supportive - says, "Don't worry everything will be fine!"

We hate it because it is clearly dismissive of what we're going through… and because it's not real.

Not acknowledging the pitfalls and saying everything's wonderful, when it clearly isn't is not only foolish but also dangerous.

Making light of a difficult situation is just as harmful as spreading predictions of doom!

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think of a recent difficult situation…

          Yours

          Someone else's

Were you able to deal with your own situation from a realistic, balanced position?

Were you able to be supportive of the other person and still be realistic?

A great line for others is:

"I'm sorry you're going through this.  What can I do to help?"

A great line for yourself is:

"Whoa!  This is challenging but I am dealing with it.  Yay me!"

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LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE…

So, who is this person Pollyanna and what's her story? read more

How many times have you heard someone say:

"Well, I know I'm supposed to look on the bright side but…"

And the 'but' is - where is the line between the Pollyanna blind, 'ostrich sticking its head in the sand' energy, and gloom and doom?

How do we find the balance that allows us to be realistic and take care of ourselves without slipping into the morass of negativity?

What do ya say?

How do you find the balance… or do you?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - SEPARATING PAIN & SUFFERING

There are many moments in life that inevitably cause pain - the emotional pain of saying goodbye, all sorts of loss and betrayals - and the physical pain of illness and injury.

How we deal with these situations determines a lot about our experience of life…

We compound our discomfort when we buy into the Bully voice - either from others or our own internal Bully.

This 'Voice' leads us to believe that what is going on is because of our own 'stupid' actions and that the pain will never end!

Typical Bully refrains go like this:

* It's your fault

* You made a really bad mistake!

* You deserve this!

* You should never have (fill in the blank)…

* You should have (fill in the blank)…

We learn this voice - we hear it from an early age and we begin to incorporate it in our own 'mantras'.

We can also learn to recognize and divorce ourselves from its toxic effects!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

LEARN TO DISCERN!

Ask yourself these questions:

1) What actually happened?

+ someone was nasty to me

+ someone died

+ I got sick

+ I fell

2) What is the actual cost to me?

+ I am alone

+ I hurt emotionally

+ I hurt physically

3) What do I feel?

+ Angry

+ Sad

+ Lonely

+ Silly

+ Lost

4) What has the Bully - external or internal - told me?

+ You made a big mistake!

+ You made a stupid choice!

+ You didn't see it coming!

+ You are stupid!

+ You should have known better!

1-3 are reality... 

#4 is a learned response.  

You don't have to listen!

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AWFULIZING… AGAIN!

"Why," she asked, "do I keep forgetting that I can survive?"

"Each time something bad happens I panic and am sure this is it - curtains!"

"No way will I make it through the horrible mess…"

"And then,I make it through and survive - and there I am - smiling again… until the next disaster darkens my doorstep!"

"Tell me," she requested, "why can't I hold onto the memory and good feeling that I ended up with and instead just remember the pain?"

What do ya say?

Any answers to this one?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Think about how people generally react to unsolicited advice.  If you want to provoke anger, it's the way to go!

It's also almost always guaranteed to produce the opposite of the supposedly intended result…

Remember that dog training gem?  If you say, 'Don't run!' - Your dog hears 'run!'.  If you say, 'Don't sit!' - Yep, the dog sits!

Is it because your dog is ornery?  Or might it be because the brains of dogs - and people - do not react well to negations…

So, 'Don't eat sweets!' sounds like…

You get it, right?

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT THE LAST TIME UN-ASKED FOR ADVICE WAS USEFUL…

Did it trigger compliance and success or…

Anger in the form of Victim (I can't, it's too hard, I'm too lazy…)

Or…

Rebel (You think you can tell me what to do?  Hah!)

Remember both of these responses are re-actions to someone stepping over your boundaries.  In either case you are letting them run the show!

Think about a healthy, non-reactive way to handle boundary over-runs.

Make a list of some possible push backs.

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FORBIDDEN TERRITORY!

Have you ever noticed how many times people think they are really 'helping' you … but they are actually breaking taboos!

What taboos is she talking about, you ask?

Check it out:

THE NEW TABOOS …

1) Food and eating advice

2) Exercise advice

3) Relationship advice

Unless you are specifically and clearly begged for your input, and no matter how good your intentions, it is taboo to open your mouth!

What do ya say?

You never step over this line, right?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HYPNOTIC TRANCES AND WELL INTENDED WORDS…

We humans are highly suggestible.

Think about it.

We learn through imitation - we imitate sound as we acquire language.

We imitate movement and behavior.  Our brain has the capacity to be impressed and affected by the actions, behaviors and words of others - and to have these imprints affect our behavior.

Despite assertions of independence we are actually quite an interdependent species!

Awareness of how easily we are impacted by the words of others gives us a choice about how we react.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

SITUATIONAL HYPNOSIS AND THE IMPORTANT ROLE OF AWARENESS AND PUSH BACK…

We are most highly suggestible when we are vulnerable:

* Late at night

* Early in the morning

* Times of illness or injury

* Moments of high emotional impact

People we give power and status to can easily affect us:

* teachers

* doctors

* close friends

* family

Think about some of the identifiers you use about yourself…

* What are they?  Smart? Lazy? Stupid? Clumsy? Graceful?

* Where did you pick up these ideas about yourself?

Think about your beliefs about your ability to accomplish things

Have the people in your life shored up your strength with their words or diminished you - even if they were well intentioned?

Imagine you have some physical shielding that has the ability to censor out words and comments that are not good for you.

* What does your shield look like?

* In what situations do you need to activate it?

Imagine that it has a shredder capacity that can go one month into the past and clean up and destroy any negative 'get in your way' comments.

How does it feel to empower yourself in this way?

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