CRY BABIES

I watched as he sniffed and contorted the muscles of his face.

“Fighting off a cold,” he told me as he rubbed his eyes.

“Probably allergies, too,” he explained.

Anything to cover up the tears that so badly wanted to fall...

Talk about maligned emotions!  Sadness is way up there on the not okay list – especially for men. 

How many times have we all heard: 

“Don’t be sad.”  “It’s okay, don’t cry!”

Did you ever stop to think about why we love sad movies so much?  There’s a reason we call them “tearjerker’s”! 

Theater gives us permission to cry without being labeled a wimp.

How do you think this strange belief came about? 

After all, if humans weren’t meant to cry… what are all those tears about?

Tomorrow:  the chemistry of tears

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

Fear in humans is an emotional and physiological response to the perception of loss of control.  It is a biological warning signal – an alert – about perceived danger.

These perceived threats can be physical or psychological.

When this state is triggered our bodies release hormones – epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol which increase our level of alertness and thus prepare us to react to the danger.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...


Here are three helpful steps to take in dealing with fear:

1)      Ask yourself if the perceived threat is physical or psychological.

(Physical harm can cause injury - psychological harm can cause a risk to our self perception.)

2)      Now ask yourself what is actually at risk.

3)     Use the physiological effects of your fear to help you deal with the situation.

One and two are self explanatory.  Let’s talk about #3. 

Remember all those hormones that get dumped into our bodies when we experience fear?  Our heartbeat increases, our breathing deepens, our visual acuity can improve.  We can feel more alert and stronger. 

So how can we optimize and use all of this? 

Holding our breath, an old pattern from many of our childhoods, is only going to get in the way!    In reality the opposite reaction optimizes our power. 

Breathe deeply and experience this heightened sense of awareness.  Actually feel the energy moving through your body – perhaps in the form of a tingling sensation.

Remind yourself that these sensations are a gift ...

After all – isn’t this what excitement feels like?

Check it out and let us know…

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SCARED?

My father often said that during WWII the only pilots the aircraft crews were really worried about flying with were the ones who were never afraid…

He was trying to teach his young children a very significant life lesson:

It is human and important to allow yourself to experience fear!

Unfortunately, “Don’t be afraid!” is a constant mantra during our upbringing.

Why?

Why shouldn’t we be afraid of trying something new?  New things are by definition scary!

Learning to ride a bike?  Scary!

Jumping into a swimming pool?  Scary!

Getting onto a big horse? Scary! 

Singing in front of an audience?  Scary!

And doesn’t it really make sense to be afraid of the dark?

A famous actor once said that the only performances he knew he’d bomb were the ones when he felt no stage fright…

The more we accept fear as just another in our range of emotions, the more we can use the physiological changes that come with it to our advantage!

Fear is one of the very human emotions that takes us from here to there…


TOMORROW:  TRANSFORMING FEAR...

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SUNDAY SMILES

DANCING AGAIN…

Last night when I got to the gym it was empty and I took total advantage of the situation.

After my warm up I boogied on down ( I know, I know, I am totally dating myself with this expression…)  But hey, Reggae,  Salsa, Belly Dance, Jitterbug – and I mean all at the same time!

P A R T Y Y Y Y!!!

Suddenly the air in the gym changed.   I came out of my trance and noticed a young guy standing near the entrance staring at me.  His mouth was open so wide his jaw touched his neck – I swear his eyes rolled in their sockets like those wild horses in the cartoons!  

I smiled and gave him one of those very friendly finger waves.  I’m telling you, I could hear him gulp as he backed his way out of the gym…

So tonight when I got onto the elevator after work there he was – the same guy with a really trapped expression on his face.  He did hold the elevator door for me… perhaps he did it because of a new found respect for old ladies who dance?  Anyhow that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

What do ya say?  Have any good ones to share?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

We tend to hold onto those old slights and resentments as if they were precious gems instead of the heavy load of unfinished business they actually are.

We claim that whoever offended us shouldn’t get off scot free – but when you think about it, the one not getting off is us!

Sometimes we are afraid that if we “let go” we will forget to protect ourselves in the future.

The alternative is to see people and situations realistically and have a good idea of what to expect and how to take care of ourselves.

Remember:  We are not talking about not feeling anger – that’s natural to our species – what we are talking about is allowing ourselves to resolve it and let it go…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
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Want to dump some old anger?  Give this fantasy a try:

Imagine that you are carrying a back pack filled with large heavy rocks.  Each of these heavy objects represents someone or something that you have been angry with. 

Let yourself really feel the weight.  How does this load affect your back?  Your neck?  Your shoulders?  How about your breathing?  Interestingly, these parts of our bodies are often affected by anger…

Now imagine taking out one of these heavy rocks.  Does the weight on your back feel a little different? 

Visualize what this piece of stone represents – maybe a particular person or an event? 

Imagine you can destroy it – crush it with a sledgehammer, throw it into the ocean? 

Or maybe you could transform it into something totally different and outside of yourself?  A stone wall?  A piece of sculpture? 

Keep emptying your back pack until nothing remains.

Now we all know that this is an imaginary experiment – BUT – it does remind us that we are backpacking years worth of old rocks – AND THAT WE DO HAVE THE ABILITY TO EMPTY THAT LOAD!

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CARRYING A LOAD

“I AM NOT GOING TO FORGIVE HER!” he shouted defiantly. 

I could almost see him stomping his foot and preparing to get angry with me if I dared to suggest he let go of the heavy emotional burden of all that rage he was carrying…

“I know she’s old and I know I’m supposed to turn the other cheek, be mature and all of that… but that woman ruined my life!” 

“And she’s not going to get away with it!”

Interesting isn’t it, this concept of holding onto anger as a way of punishing the other person...                                                                                                                                                    

 Another in the series of really useless beliefs…

How did we ever learn this one? 

Any thoughts?

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PS. TODAY ‘OLD LADIES’ REACHED 3000 HITS! 

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

When we say “It’s not fair”, we are stating that we expect life itself to follow certain rules of justice and fairness.

Life just is.  Humans make, follow and break rules.

The delusion of an external fairness can often lead to a sense of profound betrayal and sometimes even depression.

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Why do we keep expecting ‘fair’ when all our experience highlights the painfulness of holding on to this concept?

What is keeping us from letting go of this dysfunctional belief?

Check all that apply:

            _  My mother told me so it has to be true!

            _  I still believe in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy!

            _  It is the way I want things to be!

            _  It’s the way things should be!

            _  I’ve invested too much time and energy in this to let it go!

            _  I’m stubborn!

What’s your excuse?  If you have any really good ones, please share…

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IT’S NOT FAIR!

Fair?  Where did this crazy concept come from?  And how many times have you heard these words?

Probably the first time we hear this when our moms instruct us to “be fair” and share our toys with a younger sib or playpen mate.  Why?  It’s our toy, after all...   

But moms always win, and thereby hangs a tail… 

Let’s face it, we get set up.  “Fair” transmutes into ‘right’, ‘just’, the ‘way of the world’.  Yikes! 

Bad training, because, as all smart kids do, we figure, “Hey, if I have to be fair to them…”

And for the rest of our lives we are shocked, dismayed, disappointed, hurt, and bewildered that –- it just ain’t fair…

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SUNDAY SMILES

                

I’m on the train from New York to Washington, D.C. watching two skinny people across the aisle from me… I am fascinated. 

They’ve had a bag of chips open on the table between them for at least an hour!  They eat one chip every 15 minutes or so… I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! 

Now, I know people probably look at their bodies in admiration – but guys – there is something wrong with them!  Let’s face it, this is not normal behavior!

I have been fighting a terrible urge to grab that bag of chips and show them how it’s done…

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

Visualization is a very powerful tool.  In reality we probably use it unconsciously more than we realize – sometimes to our detriment with long-range goals.

For instance, when we go on diets we often immediately visualize ourselves where we want to be and then are discouraged when the image in the mirror or the ‘size small’ clothes don’t fit.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...

Think about your long range goals – diet and exercise are only two of the ones that come to mind.  Others might include:
           
            Getting a degree
            Changing a behavior
            Writing a book
            Becoming a rock star…

Getting a little carried away here, but you get the idea.  We are talking about things that don’t materialize overnight.

So, how can we stay on track for the long haul?

A simple strategy might include two parts:

1)      As you visualize your goal, ‘future pace’ it.  In other words, see the end result at a realistic distance – One month out?  Two?  A year? 

2)     Then visualize steps along the way.

Imagine a tunnel with your ultimate goal at the very end, and then ‘see’ intermediate goals at intervals along this time line.  Remember, this is visual so the farthest away is your ultimate destination, and the closest is where you are today.  Take it in small increments and each step of the way give yourself a giant cheer.

Remember: 
If we see the image too close – or too far away - we become impatient.
                       
Notice and give yourself credit for tiny steps – (baby steps!)
                       
Engage your inner Avatar

                       

Find ways to give yourself credit.  Notice changes – maybe in behavior -before results.                                          

                       

Take a moment at the beginning and end of each day to appreciate what you are doing!                                                 

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GOING FOR THE GOLD

"I DON’T GET IT," Ted complained.  “I am such a goal oriented person and yet I can’t seem to lose weight!  I put myself on a diet, it lasts for a week, maybe two – and boom!  I am done!  Oh, man it is sooo frustrating!”

Interesting, right?  And of course we’ve all been there with most long-term goals – and in those three little words is perhaps the answer…

What do you think of when you say ‘goal’?  Something very concrete – and let’s face it, pretty immediate, right?

So, Bill gets on his diet and each day checks in with how he’s doing – 2 or 3 pounds – no problem - 20 or 30… Yikes!

Our tolerance for super slow is super bad.  We are all part of now.  A year to reach a goal?  Puhleze!  The scale mocks us and we don’t see fast results in the gym… muscle mass… yeah, sure…                                                                                                                        

We are the gold star kids – and we ain’t getting any stars!   

So, how do we keep going to reach those long range goals? 

Any ideas to share?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

By the time we are 3 years old we have a pretty strong start on our beliefs about who we are.  With each year we paint on more layers of words, sayings, and mandates that shore up this internal picture.  We tend to make choices that strengthen these beliefs.

Where does the information come from?  Parents, siblings, teachers, friends, rivals, romantic interests, events – All this input creates the structure of belief that we carry into our future – a “who I am” that we sometimes forget was crafted by all these people and events… and that as something ‘man-made’ can also be changed!

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Having participated in building our identities, we can also actively re-construct parts of those beliefs that aren’t making us happy.

Did you know that the word Avatar originally came from Hinduism and referred to the descent of a deity to earth?  Imagine for a moment that you can create your own Avatar. 

This Avatar can be with you all the time – counterbalancing any of the destructive beliefs that you might have picked up over your lifetime. 

This alter ego would be 100% supportive, all powerful and all wise.  This Avatar is never a bully – and never allows you to feel like a victim...

So, like a sculptor or painter you are creating an image ... your image can be anything that embodies these traits for you:
           
            Strength
           
            Support
           
            Nurturing
           
            Cheerleading

What would your Avatar look like?  What color?  How big?  Where in your ‘energy field’ will you keep it?  Floating above you?  On your right shoulder?  Near your ear?  Ready to whisper those encouraging words?  Can you see its facial expression?

This is actually a very pragmatic tool.  We have all absorbed negative messages about who we are, so creating a positive counter-balance is certainly logical!

It is totally within your possibilities… Exciting?  Let us know what happens!

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BLOOD SUCKING BELIEFS

“I have a really bad memory!”  she told me.  “I am sooo nervous – I’m taking 4 tough courses this semester!  Help!”

Now, I want to tell you this was one very smart young women – Bi-lingual, very high scores on any tests she takes.  So, what’s this about?

Well, there was a period in her life when due to certain stresses she did have trouble remembering things…

How many times in our lives does a belief about ourselves get lodged and then dragged along behind us as if it were forever true?

OK, bloodsucking might be a little extreme, but these ‘attachments’ do drain our strength and potential…

Think about some of your own self-limiting definitions and when you added them to your ‘profile’.  They usually begin with: 

      “I can’t…”

      “I don’t…” 

      “I always..."

      “I never…”

What do ya say?  Have any barnacles you’re willing to scrape off?

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SUNDAY SMILES

FLYING HIGH

I sat outside on my 7th floor terrace and watched a falcon soar overhead

It was so close I could see its belly and the amazing texture and color of the underside of its wings  

Was it the light that turned them iridescent or are they really that amazing? 

It kept circling and riding the thermals and I felt it knew how much I was enjoying its beauty

I also soared, experiencing that wonderful connection of living beings, that solidarity that creates so much of the harmony and beauty of our world.

Thank You.

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING

School systems and families sometimes operate from the belief that we are supposed to know everything.

So before exams we memorize material and then forget it as we hand in our paper…

Because we need our A+ and don’t want to appear stupid we often are afraid to ask questions and admit that something makes no sense to us.

Remember the “Emperor’s New Clothes”?     read the story

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So, we think we are supposed to know everything and when we don’t we feel:
                        Stupid
                        Incompetent
                        Wrong
                        Frightened
And then we:
                        Make things up (sometimes known as lies…)
                        Get angry
                        Block out new information
                        Talk very loud
                        Whisper

Imagine if it were okay to not know…

For a moment – don’t worry – only for a moment - pretend you don’t know anything!  Imagine yourself back at age 3… Your eyes are big and everything strikes you as new – unknown – intriguing… 

Imagine that your 3 year old world is totally safe, judgment and bully free.   You don’t know the names of everything – maybe you make some of them up…

How do all these new things look?  Smell?  Feel?

If we give up the belief that we have to know everything … sometimes we discover wonders.

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