SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?

In our acts of rebellion - in our desire to set boundaries by drawing that defiant line in the sand - we sometimes push ourselves into untenable positions, behaving in ways that are not in our own best interests - just to make a point!

Back in the days when we began this behavior, we had to do it to assert our independence…

Now we need to ask ourselves if it still makes sense, and if so, in what form?

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

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DOES PUSHING BACK STILL MAKE SENSE?

The easy answer is NO! 

After a certain age, (maybe early twenties?) the people we were pushing back against no longer have the same power over us…

Think about it:

Who are you really rebelling against now?

Someone put it really well when he said:  "My father has changed a lot.  HE no longer gets on my case… but his voice in my head is still loud and clear!"

*  So, who are you rebelling against now?

*  Who criticized you back then?  Parent, sibling, teacher, friend?

*  Are they really still on your case now?

Do you still:

*  Keep the fridge door open?

*  Leave the lid up on the toilet?

*  Wear clothes that THEY hated?

*  Eat forbidden food?

*  Get drunk?

 What else is on your list?

Now ask yourself :

If those things hadn't been criticized would you still be doing them?

Do you really want to or are you still reacting to childhood bullies?

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ACTS OF REBELLION

What were some of your most audacious forms of rebellion throughout your childhood?

And what were the results?

Remember this one: 'PUT THE LID DOWN ON THE TOILET!'

                                  'NO, I WON'T!'

How many years later did you finally get tired of fishing out all those accidental 'drop-ins' and think to yourself, "Maybe, she had a point…"

And how about the old 'SHUT THAT REFRIGERATOR DOOR!'

Was that your dad's voice?

How many years did you purposely keep door that open?

Maybe until you started paying the electric bill?

What do ya say?

How many 'don'ts' were you tempted to do...

Still do?

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SUNDAY SMILES - PROMISES OF SPRING

A few days ago we noticed some sweet, new, green stems coming out of the earth around one of the potted bamboo plants on the terrace - and today when we looked - there were three tiny, bright yellow daffodils!!  

We did not plant them!  And the bamboo trees have been on the terrace for several years without a sign of flowers…

I can only imagine that one of the birds that often float on the thermals overhead brought the bulbs to this 7th floor terrace and planted them as a reminder that no matter how cold and tough it seems, Spring really does come! 

I wish you all the hope and beauty of your own Spring! 

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COMING TOMORROW - HEAR US ON YOUTUBE!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - INDIRECT HITS

Young children emote without restraint. 

"Ouch!" is often followed by a scream and cries of anger.  This is probably part of our natural survival pattern - it ensures that babies are heard and our species continues to exist.

When actors are up on a stage 'emoting' we applaud them - the stage creates the perfect safe distance.  Likewise, watching a movie, no matter how involved we feel, still provides that emotional safety zone that being in an audience creates.

However, when someone directs this same emotion at us in person, the intensity of this coiled energy can hit with the force of a fist!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

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ideas...

LEARNING TO AVOID THROWING WILD PUNCHES: THE WORLD OF INDIRECT HITS

Are you about to spew?

Before acting out your anger, ask yourself who you are really angry at. 

Is it the person you are about to 'express yourself' to?

Who is your real target?

And who are you going to use as a dumpee?

Think about it! 

If you are yelling at me - about someone else you are angry at - they are feeling no pain… I AM! 

Hmmm… Does this make sense?

Here's a different strategy:

Let yourself feel the agitation.

Tell yourself it's okay to be angry, it's just a feeling…

Release some of the intensity in a non-invasive, non-destructive way.

Hit something - not a person!  A punching bag is great and so is a pillow

Yell into that pillow and then hit it!

Now ask yourself what you need to do about your feeling - this is the strategy stage.  The goal is to make a decision that is good for you…

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Get ready for it!  Coming Monday - hear our posts on our very own YouTube Channel!!!

SPEW SOME?

"I was so stressed and angry," she was shaking her head as she spoke.

"I mean, really furious at what this stupid man said to me…  So, I picked up the phone to tell my boyfriend all about it."

"And then," she continued, "it hit me!"

 

"What I was really going to do was spew my rage all over my poor unsuspecting boyfriend!"

"I wasn't really mad at him… 
I didn't think so anyway, but by hanging up that phone I realized that it wasn't totally random… he was the one who introduced me to that other loser!"

"Boy, talk about an indirect 'hit'!"  She was still shaking her head … and grinning!

What do ya say?

Think you can unhook from that kneejerk desire to dump?

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - DEALING WITH EMPTY PLACES

Many times in our lives things change - loss occurs - with or with out our 'help'.

It is important for our healthy emotional survival to acknowledge and recognize the loss and how it is affecting us - not to try to deny its impact - but also to recognize that our natural genetic programming is to move forward.

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

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HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH EMPTY PLACES...  DON'T HIDE FROM REALITY!  TELL IT LIKE IT IS!

·       Acknowledge the loss/lack

·       Recognize what created the loss (was it in your control?)

·       Explore the underlying need

·       Create a healthy substitute

Here's a simple example: 

Let's say for one reason or another you 'lose' your job.  Maybe by choice, or maybe not. 

To walk through the above steps, you would first acknowledge that something is different in your life - it feels different.  

Next you recognize how much of this change was in your control and how you feel about this.  Deal with your feelings. 

Then look at the underlying need that the job addressed.  Did it provide self-esteem?  Create structure in your life? 

Finally, ask yourself if you still need what it gave you.  If the answer is yes, don't rip yourself off - find your next 'job' to meet those needs.

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MISSING PIECES

 "I knew it was missing… I just didn't realize how important it was!"

An interesting statement, right?

How many times in your life have you felt or even knew that something - love, sex, companionship, a really fulfilling job or career - was missing?

And how did you deal with these empty places?

Did you try to find the missing pieces?

Dismiss them as out of your reach?

Find a way to diminish their importance in your life?

What do ya say?

Interesting question, right?

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SUNDAY SMILES - HAVE A LOVELY TRIP…

Remember what W.C. Fields supposedly wrote on his grave?  

"Here lies W.C. Fields - All things considered I'd rather be in Philadelphia"…        http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/W._C._Fields

Maybe…

This past week I train'd it into Philly.  The plan was to catch NJ Transit from there into the wilds of Southern New Jersey.  Simple right?

Small problem: part of the line was down. 

Easy solution: they were providing buses to the connecting station.

Small problem: the first bus was full and bus #2 had broken down.

Easy solution: take #3 bus.

Small problem: it would not make the connecting train on time…

Easy solution: a taxi…

Swearing he knew exactly where to take me - the driver revealed - after we left the city - that he didn't have a clue… and by the way, his GPS was broken.  

But no prob he insisted, he'd stop at a gas station and ask…

Four stations later, W.C. Fields alternative was starting to look really good…

Smiling and nodding his head, the taxista kept saying 'yes' to all my suggestions - and not following any of them, until finally, mild mannered soul that I am, I shrieked at the top of my lungs,

"Stop this taxi right now or I am calling the cops!"

Fortunately he stopped - right next to two motorcycle guys who of course knew exactly where we needed to go.

Their directions were great, but my pal the driver had other ideas…

So, once again invoking - ok shrieking - the cops warning, I got him to turn in the right direction.

And,yes, I did make the connecting train.

The taxi driver, by now convinced that we were great buddies, ran my suitcases up to the door of the departing train and pushed me in saying, "Have a lovely trip Madam…"

What do ya say?

Ever met this guy?



To those of you celebrating today, may this season bring you peace and renewal!

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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - BOUNDARIES OR BLACKMAIL?

How do we learn to deal with not getting exactly what we want from others by threatening to 'take our toys and go home'?  Remember that one from childhood?

The underlying message of emotional blackmail - if you don't do what I want I will leave - seems to be effective because it taps into our fears about being abandoned.

It is interesting to think about the difference between setting healthy boundaries and using emotional blackmail to get what you want.

  

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

BOUNDARIES VRS BLACKMAIL

To illustrate the difference between these two think about  the following:

A personal Boundary means "this is where I stop and you begin".

It is the line in the sand that says "if you step over this point you are encroaching into my emotional and personal space."

Emotional Blackmail means "I intend to step over your line in the sand to get what I want."

How do you know where your own boundaries are?  Remember, we have both physical and emotional boundaries.

Think about how you feel when someone is standing too close to you?

How about when they are talking too loud for you?

How about when their demands for attention and air space feel too intense?

All of these are related to personal boundaries. 

*Some people are tuned in and can feel and honor these boundaries in others.

*Other people are totally unaware of when they are intruding.

*And others still - the emotional blackmailers - are aware of their trespass and feel that their needs and demands entitle them to encroach and stomp over those boundaries!

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