WHO TAKES THE HIT?

"Passive/aggressive is bad enough," she says.

"I get it," she continues.

"I'm mad at someone but I don't have the guts to tell them directly, so, we make plans to meet and I'm late…"

"Whoops!  My bad…heh, heh, heh."

"Only a minor FU, but I get it.  I stressed them out." 

"Yeah, I really feel bad about that - NOT!"

"But what I really don't get" she says shaking her head, "is when I do it to myself, you know," she continues, "when I'm late for class, or trying to catch a plane or…"

She sighed again.

"I mean, I'm the only one who suffers then!"

What do ya say?  Do you do this?  

Do you get it?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - CREATING STRESS

Some stress is endemic; it comes with survival and is part of life...

But

There's another layer of stress that's self and other generated and unhealthy and unnecessary!

Bullying creates unwelcome and unnecessary stress whether we do it to ourselves or others.

Negative internal dialogs create unnecessary and unhealthy stress…

Competing for imagined scarcity of attention, love and appreciation creates unnecessary and unhealthy stress.

Having unrealistic expectations of self and others creates…

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

REMOVING STRESS

First give yourself a stress rating from 1-10.  10 is HIGH!

Now ask yourself what is causing this moment's stress.

Is it internal or external?

Is it something unavoidable? (An exam, a performance, catching a plane - all those real life things.)

Now ask yourself if you have realistically done what you can to take care of things.

Finally, ask yourself if your expectations are realistic or if they come from old scripts about what you should be able to control…

Now, take a deep breath and release the part that is really and realistically out of your hands!

What happens as you do this conscious experiment?

ANTI-STRESS MANTRA

"You can't be late 'til you get there… and then you're there! - Professor P. Gallagher, GWU @1967

So very 1960's, right?

Seriously 'be here now', hippie, dippy…

Not relevant anymore?

Think again!

What do ya say?

Can you see the relevance?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - 'FIXER' IN YOUR FAMILY?

Ever notice how the movie 'fixer' ends up at the bottom of the lake?

Although useful, this character knows where all the bodies are buried and ends up being resented.

Family 'fixers' always think they are being helpful, but end up being resented, too. 

Who takes this role in our families?

It's the parent who says 'Be nice to your little sister', thus getting in the way of healthy sibling rivalry, or the older sibling who is given the role of making sure everyone else is taken care of.

It's the 'make nice' person who absorbs and hides the flaws of others. 

Thinking they are doing the right thing, they end up being resented, and, inevitably, resenting the burden they carry!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                      An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN FAMILY SET UP.

Was there anyone who: 

Covered up for others? 

Told you to make excuses for others?

Bribed you (ice cream, extra allowance) to overlook someone else's behavior? 

What do you think would have happened without the 'fixing'?

See if you can remember an event where the 'fix' was in.

Re-run the event 'fix' free.

What happens?

THE FIXER

The term 'fixer' is in the news a lot these days…

Many of us are familiar with it from the old gangster movies, but did it ever occur to you that there are 'fixers' in families, too?

This is the person - sometimes one of the parents - sometimes a sibling - who 'covered' for another family member.

What do ya say?  Was there a 'fixer' in your family?

Who was it?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - ENERGY RELEASE

So is venting ever okay?

And actually what does it really mean?

Sometimes our emotions, especially anger, get so engaged that we experience them physically:

Can't breathe?  Stomach cramps?  Jaw clenching?  Muscle cramping?  Headache?

When this happens sorting through what we feel in a tempered manner can seem impossible.

Hence the concept of 'venting' - airing out and releasing backed up energy.  And it is okay…

But never around other sentient beings!  Yes, we are including our other animal friends in the vent-free zone!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

5 ENERGY RELEASE STRATEGIES

Write it out before you shout!

Stomp it out until you laugh!

Create imaginary dialogs with the evil doer!  Have fun!

Yell as loud as you want - in a safe, you only space!

VENTILATION

"Well, she wasn't yelling at me… I mean, I was the one on the phone with her, but you know, she was yelling about someone else…"

"And how did you feel when you got off the phone?" I asked.

"Well… exhausted," she admitted.

"I did have a headache for the rest of the day…" she acknowledged sheepishly.

"But she needed to vent!  Isn't that what friends are for?

What do ya say?  Think so?