SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – DO YOU NEED TO CONTROL IT ALL?

Many have been cited as sources for the concept of having to do it all yourself in order for it to be done 'right', among them the brilliant military genius Napoleon Bonaparte, who was reported to say, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”

There are obviously situations where we need to be in control and take charge…

But the human tendency to over-do this concept is strong…




DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...

Think you need to do it all?

We often believe that it’s easier to do it ourselves than to take the time to show someone else what we need or want.

Here’s a Zen koan* about this:

In Japan many years ago a little girl ‘studied’ (she was 10 years old so the word ‘study’ is somewhat strong), Ikebana, the art of flower arranging.

The teacher made sure the necessary ingredients – bowl, frogs (not the live ones, the metal ones with prongs to hold the flowers), scissors, and of course flowers, were in front of each student.

He spoke briefly about the concept of harmony and balance.  And then, as everyone watched, he created a masterpiece with his scissors, bowl, flowers and frog.

And that was it!

As his students attempted to create their own beauty, he walked around the room smiling – occasionally reaching out and gently turning a stem here and a leaf there…

So our little 10 year old learned one of life’s powerful lessons…

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*A kōan (公案^?)/ˈkoʊ.ɑːn/; is a story, dialogue, question, or statement, which is used in Zen-practice to provoke the "great doubt".

IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT…

“OMG I am sooo tired,” she exhaled, barely supporting her body, her breath shaky and weak.  
"But," she continued,"no one else knows how to handle things like I do..."

Interesting. 

It was the second case of ‘If-you-want-something-done-rightacitis’ this week. 

Must be contagious…

You know exactly what it is, right?

The very strong, very self righteous belief that, well, you know…

No one else has the skill, understanding, knowledge, wisdom… need I go on?

Hey we all grew up with that mantra:

IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF!

What do ya say?

Been there? 

Happy with the results?    






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SUNDAY SMILES – IT’S UNBREAKABLE!

Today my cell phone broke.  No, not a Smartphone or an iPhone. 

This one was a heavy duty ‘we promise you it is unbreakable’ replacement for the one before it that drowned in my purse during a particularly fierce rain storm…

This one they promised can survive anything. 

“Indestructible,” the guy in the store assured me.

“Flush it down the toilet and if you can find it, you can use it!”

Sure.

It flew out of my hands, the back cover flew off and the battery went sailing. . .

Just like the one before it.

Okay, I’m hard on cell phones.

But please.  Indestructible?


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SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – FREE ADVICE – WHAT’S IT WORTH?

Why do we feel compelled to tell other people what to do? How did the word ‘should’ become so much a part of our culture? It seems that this impulse has been with us forever!  The following are a few of our favorite ‘rules’ from the pen of George Washington: By age sixteen, Washington had copied out by hand, 110 Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation. They are based on a set of rules composed by French Jesuits in 1595.  *When in company, put not your Hands to any Part of the Body, not usually Discovered. *In the Presence of Others Sing not to yourself with a humming Noise, nor Drum with your Fingers or Feet. *Put not off your Cloths in the presence of Others. Nor go out your Chamber half Dressed. *Shift not yourself in the Sight of others nor Gnaw your nails. *Shake not the head, Feet or Legs, roll not the Eyes, lift not one eyebrow higher than the other, wry not the mouth, and bedew no mans face with your Spittle, by approaching too near him when you Speak. (!)  read more DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...     Here are a few good questions to ask yourself before you offer advice: 1)      Does the person want advice? 2)      Did they ask you for advice? 3)      What is compelling you to offer your opinion? 4)     Does their behavior frighten you? 5)     Do you feel helpless? 6)     Does giving advice seem like a way to connect? After you answer these questions, try re-framing your need into behavior that might actually work! 1)     Ask what you can do to help! 2)     Tell the person how you feel making sure to stress that it is your feeling! 3)     Try saying:  “If it was me, I think I would…” 4)     Step back from the situation and recognize how it is affecting you and don’t project your feelings onto the person you are hoping to help!                                                                           To comment: click on the word "comments" below - write in the box, then go to "comment as" and choose how you want to sign in, then click publish. Check back for replies to your comments! If you enjoyed this post and would like to share it, please click on one of the share buttons below

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES

“You should take a bath,” she told her very smart 3 year old son.

“No, you should take a bath!” he responded.

And years later. . .

“You should do your homework!” she instructed.

“No, you should do your homework!” he once again stated.

How could this brilliant child already know that amazingly difficult lesson:

Telling people what to do sucks!


And is usually a projection of our own needs and desires – okay, we’ll allow a little leeway for Moms and small children - but really, that ‘should’ word is truly toxic!

What do ya think?

Ever enjoy being told what you should do?

And seriously, have you ever listened?



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FOR THOSE OF YOU CELEBRATING:  HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – HOW TO ESCAPE NEGATIVE LOOPS

One of the popular definitions of ‘crazy’ is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. 

And yet, we humans seem to be programmed to do just that – and then suffer because we keep trying harder and harder – again and again!

Changing behavioral patterns is challenging, but if what we are doing is not yielding the results we want …





DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...    


Getting the results you want?  If not, check it out.
To change a negative behavior loop:

1)     Where are you stuck?  Answer these questions:

a)    What do you want to achieve?

b)    What is your strategy?

c)    Does your plan work?

d)    Have you done it before?

e)    Did it ever work to achieve your goal?

2)     Where did you learn this strategy?

For most of us the problem solving strategies we use are learned in our early years – often part of our family’s ‘script’.

If it works, great! 
If not, take a page from sports:

In tennis there is a saying:  Never change a winning game – always change a losing one!

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STUCK IN A NEGATIVE LOOP?

“I can’t believe it happened again!” she wailed.  “I am sooo stupid!”

“The world sucks!” he stated categorically an hour later.  “It doesn’t matter how hard I try, the same rotten thing keeps happening again and again…”

Different stories – same tag line.

She blamed it on herself.

He blamed it on the whole world…

But both of them were stuck in a negative feedback loop …


And both of them kept repeating the same behavior – and hoping for different results!

What do ya think?

Done that?


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