SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT DID YOU SAY?

So, what is communication?

Is it that which is received?

Or, that which is actually said?

What's the goal?

Is it competitive or cooperative?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS  

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

THINK ABOUT TWO RECENT CONVERSATIONS…

Conversation #1 worked out great…

Conversation #2 turned into an argument…

What made the difference?

Was the goal sharing or was it proving yourself  'right'?

Was there a 'winner'?

ARE YOU LISTENING?

"It felt like I was going nuts!"

The woman was clearly stressed as she told me her story.

"I was talking to a friend", she continued, "and my friend started attacking me about something I said…"

"Except it was actually the opposite of what I said and no matter how I tried to tell her, she just got angrier and attacked me more!"

"It was surreal, I felt like I had been teleported to another dimension!"

What do ya say?

Ever been here?  How did you feel?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - HOW DO YOU SAY THAT?

We humans use verbal language to communicate with each other. Elementary, right?

But think about it…

One modality - verbal- is responsible for transferring so much information and despite this how many of us can actually claim to be good communicators?

If we were really experts at this mode of information transmittal, think about how much daily confusion and misunderstanding might actually be nonexistent?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR WORDS

We tend to take our communication skills for granted…

Think back over the last 2 weeks:

*How many times were you really clear about what you wanted and why you wanted it?

*How many times did you observe the person you were talking with to see if they really understood what you were telling them?

*How often did you allow yourself to clarify your message?

SERIUSLY SPEAKING - IF THEY REALLY CARED…

Do you beat around the bush when you are asking for something?

Think it's polite to waffle?

Hint about what you want and suffer disappointment when you don't get it?

Some of this communication distortion seems to be gender related.  Boys are supposed to talk one way, girls another.  

We'd like to think this is no longer true but we need to deal with reality. 

Do you think a man running for President would have been called "such a nasty man" by his opponent? 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/20/trumps-such-a-nasty-woman-comment-has-sparked-something/

Perhaps another influence comes all the way from those Victorian times when chair legs wore skirts to hide their true nature - you know - legs!

Whatever the source of our vague language when we communicate our needs, it is usually a guaranteed path to confusion and not getting what we want!

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

ASKING FOR IT!

How do you feel when you need to ask someone for support or help?

When you need to ask them to change their behavior?

To do you a favor?

Now reverse it:

How do you feel when someone asks you for support or help?

When they ask you to change your behavior?

When they ask you to do them a favor?

What feelings come up for you?

Do you fear or anticipate rejection?  Disapproval?  Criticism?  Judgment? 

Do you feel put on the spot?

Think you have to reciprocate?

What's the worse thing that could happen if you are direct?

(Remember direct does not mean rude - just straightforward and clear!)

How do you compare that worse case scenario to what you feel when you obfuscate what you need - and don't get it?

LET'S TALK

The taxi driver really wanted to talk about the coming election.

He was a US citizen originally from an African country.

His accent was pretty thick but his enthusiasm was contagious.

I couldn't understand most of his words… but one out of five or six came through…

It was a totally delightful conversation.

We both ended the ride smiling - knowing that despite the language barrier we really communicated!

What do ya say?

Do you get this?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - TALKIN' DOWN?

We squeal and gurgle and baby talk - probably appropriately - to our babies and puppies…

And they tend to respond in kind.

And therein lies what appears to be at the heart of this speech pattern.

We perceive and enjoy the connection that seems to occur. http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-purpose-of-baby-talk/

Okay.  Makes sense.

But…

Once a child is past a certain age it's no longer about connection, but rather perhaps a form of diminishment.  We seem to be telegraphing a message:

"I'm in charge.  You're not!"

And what are we saying when we use that similar pattern with the elderly? 

Ever notice how angry older humans can get when they are talked to this way?

Maybe they are just reacting to that underlying message?  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1071891/Talking-old-people-like-children-cuts-years-lives-says-Yale-study.html

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS                           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about how you are talking to children and older adults…

How would you feel if your positions were reversed and someone was talking to you like this?

If they were:

          Condescending?

          Loud?

          Talking down?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - WHAT?

How did it all get so difficult?

Where did we get the idea that saying something simply and directly was bad manners?

That we were supposed to hint and make end runs around what we were trying to say - especially when it had to do with something that we wanted or needed?

Could it have started with those parental voices saying, 'Ask nicely'?

Or maybe it was the 'rule' that telling someone what you wanted for your birthday was tacky?

Or perhaps that caveat: 'If they really care, they'll figure it out!'

When did communication turn into game playing and testing instead of simple and open sharing?

Perhaps it's time to give ourselves permission to just - kindly of course - tell it like it is?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Think about your own 'communo' style…

How would you describe your M.O.?

          Direct?

          Open?

          Clear?

          Taking responsibility for what you want and feel?

          Honest?

Or would you fall on the other side of the page…you know:

          Indirect?

          Obscure?

          Convoluted?

          Twisting the burden of what you want onto the other?

          Dishonest?

If you think back in time, who did you learn your licks from?

Did you really like the way they dealt with the world?

Can you think of someone whose style you admire?

Imagine yourself using their model for your own style.

How does that feel?

Could you try it out for a day?

HINT…HINT…

"I'm really upset with my friends," she complained. 

"Tomorrow is my birthday," she whined, with a really sad expression on her face, "and they haven't planned anything!"

"Did you remind them?" I asked.

"Well, no, not exactly… but I hinted pretty good, and they should have known!"

"I mean, when my dog woofs at his dish, I know what he wants and he's not even human…"

What do ya say?

Do you expect people to play detective?

And then feel hurt when they miss the clues?

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - COMMUNICATE MUCH?

So, what do we expect when we ask 'how are you'?

The truth?

A lie?

Something to make us feel better?

The answer is often "fine" because it's easy and a way to deflect attention…

Then there are the times in our lives when someone asks us and we feel rebellious -and angry - and reply darkly:

"Since you asked…"

Or

"Do you really want to know…"

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas…

Before asking someone who has gone through a tough time how they are, think about what you really want to communicate and your level of relationship with that person!

Which ones would you check?

RELATIONSHIP

o   intimate

o   best friend

o   family

o   friend

o   casual acquaintance

o   neighbor

LEVEL OF CARING

o   Hi

o   Medium

o   Low

WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO COMMUNICATE

o   I care

o   I'm available as a sounding board

o   I'm trying to figure out something about myself

o   I'm into my snoop role

To comment click below

SAY WHAT?

She was stuffing food into her mouth chipmunk style… fast and furious, cheeks jammed!

Whoa!

I asked her what she was doing…

"I have to take some medicine," she explained, "and it said to take on a full stomach."

Interesting.

Full vrs. empty or full meaning, jammed?

What do ya say?

Ever stop to wonder how we ever manage to communicate with each other?

To comment click below

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING - LOOK ME IN THE EYE…

It seems our 4 legged friends might indeed have the ability to read our minds - actually by picking up the cues - smells, sounds, body language and posture, that are often not even within our human spectrum of awareness.

for more on the mind reading capacity of our 4 legged friends click here

What has led us to believe that we might have this same capacity?

Check this out:  Remember Mom or Dad looking you in the eye and saying, "I know exactly what you are thinking young man/lady!  You can't fool me!"

Could this possibly have given us a belief in the human ability to see into the minds of others?

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS           

An opportunity to experiment with some fun

ideas...

CHECKING IT OUT

How many times were you sure you knew what someone was thinking only to be told - after the fact - that you were clueless?

We all have a tendency to think we 'get it' but…

Think back over this past day/week/month…how many times did you actually miss a beat by misinterpreting what the other person was thinking?

Unlike our 4 legged friends, we humans have been given the gift of words… and the ability to communicate verbally…

SOME MAGIC PHRASES FOR COMMUNICATING ARE:

"Did you mean…?"

"I think you said…?"

"Did I understand you correctly…?"

And the always useful -

"I feel…"

Two more fun ways to join our Human Dance party:

www.thehumandance.com

The Human Dance "Beat the Bully!" Episode V

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – LEARN TO BE A COMMUNICATION CHAMELEON IN 5 EASY STEPS

Truly effective communication requires the ability to change your ‘communication colors’ depending upon your audience.  

Some of this is obvious – we speak differently to little children than we do to other adults.

But it’s the subtle verbal 'color changes' that allow us to share our desires and thoughts – to be effective in making sure the message we deliver and the message received are the same!
 

DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...    

SHIFTING YOUR COMMUNICATION COLORS - 5 EASY STEPS

1)     Get your ego in check and think about who you are talking to and what you really want them to take away from the conversation …

2)    Think chameleon!  As an experiment actually imagine yourself shifting to fit the other person’s environment – this is subtle-  it is not about using trite expressions to ‘fit in’ but rather about feeling the temperature and context of the moment. 

3)    Listening is key.  What is the other person really saying? Try imitating their tonality and rhythm – subtle, subtle… 

4)    A great trick is to mirror their body language … remember … subtle! 

5)    Try to get into their rhythm of breathing.  Let this be fun…

What happened as you did this?  
Did it feel different?  

Was your connection with this person easier?  
Do you think they felt it?

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