Friday, August 30, 2013

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – HOW TO OVERCOME THOSE TRICKY FAMILY DYNAMICS!


What are family dynamics and why are they important to us? 

Most of us have grown up as part of a family – a system with rules of behavior and roles that are given to its individual members.

Sometimes these rules and roles are very transparent and we are aware of them and their impact on us.

However, in most families this dynamic is unspoken – and its impact on the individual members goes unrecognized.

A wonderful film image of family dynamics shows up in the dinner table scene in Woody Alan’s movie "Annie Hall".  check it out!







DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas


SURVIVING AND THRIVING DESPITE OUR FAMILY DYNAMICS

Sometimes without our awareness the rules and roles promulgated by our families become straitjackets later in our lives.

To Escape:

As always, our #1 Rule is:  Awareness!

See if you can tease out the roles given to different members of your birth family.
            
           Was there a designated caretaker?
           
           A scapegoat?
           
           A smart child?
            
           An outsider?
           
           A leader?
           
           A risk-taker?

You get the idea.  Think about your family.  What was your role?  Can you see ways that you are still playing that part?  Is it a plus or a minus?

What were the unspoken rules in your family?  These are the markers, often words, that your parents might have used to designate your family’s difference from others.
          
           We are _________
           
           We believe ___________
           
           We always __________

Fill in the blanks.  Now ask yourself how those rules followed you into your adult life, and whether they help you or get in your way…






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Thursday, August 29, 2013

FAMILY DYNAMICS . . WHAT?!

Another parent/child story, different angle…

In the last one the kid was blaming the mother; in this one the mother is bemoaning her child’s behavior.

“He is sooo difficult!  Extremely manipulative.  He constantly threatens excessive measures if he doesn’t get what he wants!”

“How could he possibly have gotten this way?” she asked me with wide eyes. 

“He’s been difficult since he was a little kid!  Do you know, we actually used to have to threaten to have him locked up or sent away just to get his attention…”

Gee I wonder how this kid learned to threaten extreme measures?

Ugh!  Is it really possible that these intelligent parents don’t see where their child learned his ‘effective’ strategies?

There’s a bible verse about the sins of the fathers being passed down through the generations...

Is this what it means?

What do ya think? 



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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – KEEPING IT NEW


Does familiarity breed contempt?  And what’s with two years?

Check this out:

"Never mind the seven-year itch. Newlyweds have an even earlier milestone to fear: the two-year slouch.
The average couple gives up on romance just two years, six months and 25 days …according to research.
Beyond this point romance, if not dead, is definitely on its sickbed…"   read more

When we first meet someone attractive to us, they are “other”.  They are different and intriguing and we often crave a confluence or union that allows us to merge with them.

In this process, in our desire for intimacy, it is easy to lose our boundaries and fuse to the extent that our acceptance and appreciation of their otherness disappears. 


At this point (often around the two year mark) it becomes too easy to begin that dangerous ‘taking them for granted’ process, losing the feeling that initially attracted us – along with the behavior that attracted them!







DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas..


HOW TO KEEP IT REAL - A VERY SIMPLE EXPERIMENT

This mind game is designed to sensitize you to the rhythm of relationships and empower you to keep it where it feels the best!


Imagine two body- sized circles floating in space.

Put yourself in one circle and your partner in the other.

Visualize each of these images clearly.           

Now simply experiment with moving the circles.

Move the circles very far apart.

How does this feel?

Now overlap them,

How is this?

Now adjust the distance to the perfect position where you can feel both connected and separate enough to appreciate differences.

True intimacy requires boundaries. 

If the distance we create is too small the other is only a poor reflection of us and we get judgmental… 

If the distance we create is too large we lose the intimacy.








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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH…


The seven year itch?  Maybe. 

But what about the ‘two year tango’?

I hear this one a lot.

“I don’t get it,” he shook his head looking at me for answers.

“She thought I was great – everything about me...  the way I look, my habits, the way I walk and talk… “

“Now, all of a sudden, two years later each of those things she found adorable, sweet, cute, endearing… now those exact same things annoy the @#*t out of her!”



His confusion was genuine.  

And yes, I have heard this one before!

What do ya think?  Ever had this experience?

Do you get it?



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Sunday, August 25, 2013

SUNDAY SMILES – WHAT BELLY BUTTON?


Did you ever stop to wonder about the crazy self image demands we put on ourselves? 

Think about your favorite movie star – male or female.  Someplace deep down don’t you judge your appearance in relation to theirs…

And you know this insanity started really early in our lives, right?

How many of you remember Barbie Dolls?    
             



Check out this item from Wise Geek:

Barbie dolls didn’t have a belly button until the year 2000… (!)

The original Barbie was the first adult-proportioned doll and was modeled after the glamorous image of Hollywood actresses of the 1950’s, with either brunette or blonde hair, red pursed lips and highly arched eyebrows but no belly button. 


In 1997 after complaints about the unrealistic proportions of Barbie’s figure, the dolls waist was widened, and in 2000, a belly button was added...”



Is it any wonder that our body image is whacky?

What do ya say?





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Friday, August 23, 2013

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – WHAT IS HOARDING?

 “Compulsive hoarding is a pattern of behavior that is characterized by the excessive acquisition of and inability or unwillingness to discard large quantities of objects that cover the living areas of the home and cause significant distress or impairment”.      (read more) 

Though most of us don’t hoard to excess, maybe some hoarding is another one of those genetically encoded behaviors from a time in our human history when everything was scarce.

Or perhaps it’s related to individual loss in this lifetime…

One 25 year old with an over abundance of stuffed animals recounted with great sadness losing her favorite childhood teddy bear during one of her mother’s frequent cleaning rampages…

Who knows?








DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...



EXPLORING HOARDING

This is a particularly intriguing topic to explore creatively with ‘mind games’. 
Please enter our realm of enchanted exploration and discovery with an open mind…


THE GAMES:         

Game #1 -  Erase-a-space  

Imagine that you have a giant white magical eraser – maybe blackboard style or one of those big spongy things – but whatever it looks like – it’s BIG! 

Using firm strokes you wield your eraser throughout your home  - WHOSH – WHOSH – WHOSH - and things disappear! 

Of course, it’s selective.  You have a “ctrl Z” ability.  Anytime you want, it’s all back!

Now  WHOSH your way through your space – stopping every few minutes to check out how you’re feeling.

How’s your breathing?

What happens to you as you experiment with creating open space?
How does it make you feel?



Game #2The Double Universe

In this one you have two spheres – sort of floating in air transparent balloons.

One is crammed with stuff (fill it with furniture, boxes, clothes…)

The second sphere is totally empty.

Both spheres are floating in front of you.  One to your right and one to your left.

Allow them to get bigger and bigger.

How do you feel as you watch them?

Now shrink them both waaay down.

Again check out how you’re feeling.

Return them to their original size and imagine that they begin to twirl, moving closer and closer to each other – faster and closer!
And suddenly, BOOM! Allow these two realities to collide.

What happens?
Notice your breathing.

As with all our experiments these mind games are designed to expand your options and empower you to create the best possible reality FOR YOU!







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Thursday, August 22, 2013

USE IT – OR LOSE IT!

Not at all what you are thinking

This one is about - hoarding.  True most of us are not extreme hoarders. (In the home of an EH a GPS is necessary to navigate the aisles of precariously stacked treasures…).


But most of us have a wee bit of this tendency…

How many times have you almost thrown something away only to rescue it at the last minute as you realize that, hey, it might come in handy someday…?

What is this pack rat tendency all about?

Is it another one of those things that we come by honestly?  Perhaps a once upon a time survival skill that is no longer exactly necessary…

What do ya think?

Recognize this one?


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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – 3 STEPS TO UNHOOK!


Very few of us got the perfect parenting we craved – close maybe but it seems there are always those emotional injuries of childhood – those missing pieces. 

Maybe it’s because our parents didn’t get exactly what they needed …

We can hold onto this imperfection with our anger, or using denial pretend that everything was perfect, or we can confront our feelings and work our way through them to a very liberating and powerful position.





DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...


3 STEPS TO RESOLVE THE CONFLICT


This is the perfect opportunity to release that stockpiled anger and resentment by using the ‘hot seat’. 

Remember ‘hot seat’ work is accomplished by setting up two chairs.  You sit in one and imagine the person you are talking to in the other. 

If this isn’t something you are comfortable with, use your two hands to represent person one (you) and person two (them). 

Try three different scenarios:

1)      In this first one really get into the blame. 

You:  “It’s all your fault… You ruined my life!”  Go for it and really exaggerate.

Now have the person in the empty chair grovel.  Again really exaggerate!

How do you feel doing this?


2)    This time, once again you go into the heavy blaming, but now let the person in the empty chair point their finger at you and tell you it really was all your fault!

How does this one feel?


3)     Finally, and this is the ‘shift’ - this time talk about your feelings! 

You:  I am angry at what you did.

I am angry I didn’t get what I wanted and needed. 

And this time let the empty chair say the words you’d like to hear: 

“I’m sorry too.  I wish I could have given you more of what you needed.”

What happens this time?


With the shift that occurs in Step 3 you are creating a parallel healing universe for yourself. 

Some of you are fortunate enough to actually be part of a family where this dialog can happen in reality

For the rest of us, even the imaginary dialog is liberating.  Remember our minds are incredibly powerful and if we allow them – and aide them – our natural inclination is to heal!





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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

THE SINS OF THE FATHERS


The seventy year old woman was shaking her head as she told me about her adult daughter.

“She calls me all the time to tell me how horrible her life is,” she reported with a sigh.

“She hates her husband, her children, her job, her house… and according to her – it’s all my fault!”

“I know I wasn’t perfect,” she admitted, “but is it really possible for it to STILL be my fault?”

“Isn’t there a statute of limitations,” she asked wistfully, “on blaming it all on your mother?”



What do ya think?  Any ideas on this one?








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Sunday, August 18, 2013

SUNDAY SMILES – OH MY ACHING BACK!

“Gas!” he declared.

“I bet it’s gas!”

I had just asked him to take it easy on the pot holes…

New York City’s avenues are infamous for these Third World (forgive me) ruts that could easily trap small animals…

And somehow, these very roads create a terrible desire on the part of our taxistas to hit the gas…


So, in self defense, I have developed a very credible and usually successful strategy of talking about my imaginary recent back injury.  It generally works…

And that’s where the gas comes in…

Tonight’s driver explained, in great detail, how when he had back pain it really wasn’t his back.  NO it was – GAS! 

Waaay too much information!

However, you know that thing about not being able to do two things at the same time?

Well, he couldn’t maintain his speed as he got into the complexities of his affliction and me?

I can only tell you that trying to control hysterical laughter has a great effect on back injuries…




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Friday, August 16, 2013

SERIOUSLY SPEAKING – PROJECTION AND DENIAL


These two types of behavior – denial and projection - are characterized as defense mechanisms.  

With denial we try to ‘disappear’ things and with projection we see our own attributes and behavior as belonging to others.

We develop these ways of acting as an attempt to cope with situations, feelings and attributes that seem unacceptable to us.

This tends to sensitize us to these same behaviors in others. 







DANCE WITH IT!   EXPERIENTIAL APPS
An opportunity to experiment with some fun ideas...



TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE. . .

This is a perfect time to experiment with what we call ‘hot seat’ work, a fascinating tool used in Gestalt Therapy.
It is believed that this technique actually evolved from Actors Studio techniques of the 1940’s and ‘50s!


Give it a try!

Set 2 chairs up facing each other...

Sit in chair #1 and face ‘empty’ chair #2.

In the empty chair imagine someone you are angry with (for those of you who deny anger you can substitute the word ‘annoyed’.)

Really focus until you can see them clearly.  How do they look?

Now begin an imaginary conversation with this person telling them how annoying they are!

It might start something like this:

You:  I don’t like the way you act.  You are so annoying!
Tell them why – really get it off your chest.

Now switch chairs.  

Yes, actually go and sit in the empty chair.

This is the acting part and of course where we find projection…
So much easier to feel it in the role of someone else, right?

Become this other person.  Hold your body like they do – try out their tone of voice, their facial expression.

As person #2 respond to the accusations of person #1.  Really get into this role and give as good as you got!

For the non- actors among you it’s easy to accomplish the same thing by using your two hands.  Hand one is you – hand two is the other person.  
Go at it!

Like many of the experiments we do, the more you exaggerate and allow yourself to laugh, the easier it is to accept the kernels of truth!








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